Erin Andrews gets the hover hand treatment.

Last we checked in on Cris “Cyborg” Santos, her and her manager Tito Ortiz were asking Dana White for her release from the UFC because she believed if she cut enough weight to qualify for a match against Ronda Rousey, she would die. Santos did, however, mention that she’d be willing to fight Rousey at 140 if the UFC Women’s Champion would meet her in the middle, but UFC President Dana White said at that point it wouldn’t even be for a title. Oh, and he also said that Santos was basically scared.

Now, as Santos is preparing for her upcoming Invicta fight, she’s still calling Rousey out for being too scared to add five pounds and fight her for basically no reason other than they hate each other, which, in fairness, is still a pretty damn good reason. And Santos simply won’t stand for Rousey calling her a fraud.

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First and foremost, there are some exciting rumors today regarding that whole MMA in New York thing that we talked about a few weeks ago and the possibility of a 20th anniversary UFC event at Madison Square Garden. But I’m a man of the present, not the future, so I’m ready to focus on a plethora of Michael McDonald jokes for this weekend’s UFC on Fuel event, live from London, and next week’s highly-anticipated UFC 157 PPV, featuring our favorite female fighter Ronda Rousey and her UFC debut as the Women’s Champion.

Rousey, of course, is fighting Liz Carmouche, who we admire a great deal as well, but that isn’t stopping Cris “Cyborg” Santos and her manager Tito Ortiz from trying to make the story about the Rousey fight that will probably never happen because Cyborg can’t cut enough weight. Because she’ll die or something dramatic like that.

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According to its website, Oxygen Magazine is a women’s fitness publication that helps females with exercise and nutrition tips so they can keep it tight, and we appreciate that. But obviously we appreciate women of all sizes, whether they’re fit and toned like Alessandra Ambrosio or a fatty fatty 2×4 can’t fit through the kitchen door like Kate Upton (jokes!). Oxygen also has a storied history of using toned fitness models in bikinis for its covers, so it’s safe to say that the publishers don’t have a problem with sex appeal.

OR DO THEY???

I bet you’d like to see the photo that Ronda Rousey claims was deemed too sexy, wouldn’t you?

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I love Gina Carano like an adopted Chinese teenage girl, but even I have to admit that she got her ass blasted last night. In Carano’s bout with Cris “Cyborg” Santos she caught a bunch of early shots to the face and never recovered. The fight was stopped with one minute SECOND left in the first round, after Carano was getting pounded against the cage like a drunken prom date. Watch the entire fight in the video above.

“I was ready for five rounds if necessary,” said Cyborg. With a title on the line, the fight was was slated for five, five minute rounds. “I felt at that point it was time to finish the fight. I started to harder but I didn’t know there was like five seconds away from the end of the round. I felt like Gina kind of closed her guard and turned around a little bit. That’s when I went for the stronger punches.” via.

Even in watching the weigh-in, the differences were clear. Santos–even in a zebra print bikini–looked like a fighter, where Carano sheepishly stepped on the scale and even laughed in embarrassment as her weight was announced aloud.

That said, I can seriously say that this is the greatest women’s sporting event ever. For one reason: it was a matchup we couldn’t wait to see. More than Annika vs. Carrie. More than Venus vs. Serena. And sure, 50 percent of that was probably dictated by Carano’s appearance, but in this age of lingerie football, lady golf escorts, and subsidized basketball, 50 percent is a fair place to be. But Carano didn’t just gain attention because she was hot, but because she was hot and she could kick your ass! But after Satrurday’s fight, the latter may come under contention.

Some of us can’t wait for the pugnacious woman-on-woman action stemming from Gina Carano’s matchup with Christine “Cyborg” Santos [She's from the future! And apparently Spanish! --Ed.] that’s headlining the Strikeforce Pay-Per-View-type thinger this Saturday, which is actually on Showtime. Carano is a +160 favorite underdog, meaning that you degenerates would win $160 by betting $100, while Santos is a -170 fave.

Look, if this were a beauty contest we know who would win, just like we know who would be hired to work security. But this is a fight. Carano’s greatest strength is her stand-up, which is exactly where Santos wants this fight. If it becomes a kickboxing match, Carano has to rely on being the better technician or else she’ll get steamrolled by Cyborg’s superior power. And honestly? Nothing we’ve seen so far from Carano makes us think that she’s quite that slick. Cyborg takes this via late TKO. via.

Picking the Brazilian against my secret MMA girlfriend? For shame. I’d be happy to see this fight go the distance, as it might be the only non-Lesnar-Fedor matchup that can drag me to somebody’s house that actually has Showtime. Or cocaine. I’m not much of a fight expert; I doubt I could tell the difference.

Other MMA news: UFC is poised to replay portions of their recent PPV event, UFC 100, on Spike TV Saturday night starting at 10pm ET, overlapping the Strikeforce event and potentially hurting the latter’s ability to draw eyeballs to its big show. That’s what makes Dana White such a worthy opponent…UFC also has opened an online store that exclusively sells PRIDE memorabilia. Even though the people that have long owned UFC bought the Tokyo MMA promotion in 2007, it still seems a bit early to be nostalgic…Randy Couture appears poised to host his second annual “Operation All-In” poker tournament, whose proceeds will support Couture’s foundation for helping wounded military veterans.

We’re about two weeks away from Gina Carano fighting Cyborg Santos for the undisputed championship of my weekday blogging lust. Sure Carano may come off like a plain Jane and Santos could probably kill you from 15 feet away, but for me, it’s on par with Fedor-Lesnar, just for the whole girl-on-girl element that will challenge the sensibilities of my loins in an unprecedented way. In the upcoming issue of ESPN The Magazine, Carano shares one of the factors that led to scheduling her August 15th bout with Santos:

I try not to schedule fights the week I’ll be on my period. Making weight is hard enough. … Plus, bruises hurt more, you’re bloated and cramping and emotionally, it’s tougher to battle through the training. Also, some states require us to wear breast padding, since we’re allowed to punch there. One time I didn’t have any, a guy told me to put a rolled-up towel in my bra. I said no. I usually just wear three sports bras during a fight.
via.

Be proud of yourself if you’re blown away by that remark. Often I forget that Gina’s more than an angry, sweet, vindictive, lovable killing machine. She’s also a real person. A real person that will murder you in your sleep. But in a sweet and pleasant way. Damn, I can’t wait for that fight.