YouTube user Jerry Rips is using YouTube correctly. He takes advantage of something not all of us have (a subscription to UFC.TV, which allows you to listen to alternative audio feeds) and provides a service (collecting the best moments of hilariously angry corner-speak and uploading it). His most recent video is STELLAR, and is the perfect combination of hateful, condescending and incomprehensible. If you’re at work, it’s probably not the kind of thing you want to blast from your speakers, because it is … uh, frank.

Sample dialogue includes the choice “GET HIM! GET HIM! NO! COWBOY!” from the 4:48 mark, as well as this all-time classic at 1:10:

Spread the f**kin’ legs. F**k. F**kin’.

It’s hard to transcribe this on a blog that doesn’t allow me to drop F-bombs. Oh, wait, I can transcribe this part (starting at 5:46) that you’ll be repeating all day …

GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST! GO FORWARD! GO FIRST!

So yeah, go forward (and watch this video), go first (in the comments section?).

[new upload via BJPenn.com]

To be fair, it’s more NBA Jam R than NBA Jam XXX, but this unearthed clip of the original NBA Jam with a ton of cursing in it (sample dialogue: “HE’S ON F**KING FIRE!”) is my new favorite thing. It’s the manifestation of every joke I made playing NBA Jam with my 13-year old friends, and yes, when you’re 13 there is nothing funnier than putting ‘f**k’ where it doesn’t belong. See also, The Dan Band.

The clip made the rounds in video game circles back in August, but I have Jason at Sportress Of Blogitude to thank for the share. Former Midway creative director Mark Turmell talked about the video with GameTrailers.com and gave us just enough to believe Tim Kitzrow saying ‘boomshaka-f**kin-laka’ really happened:

He said through a conversation with Side Mission on Facebook that he saw the video the other day and recalled doing some similar audio recordings with voice actor Tim Kitzrow during the development of the arcade game.

“I can confirm that in the early days we did record tons of off-color stuff,” Turmell said.

Lines like “Get that **** out of here” and “He’s on ******* fire” were recorded when they worked on the arcade version of the game for Midway. Turmell said they actually tried to put the “Get that **** out of here” line into the final version with a “bleep” sound over the offending word, but the NBA objected and it was removed.

Kitzrow wrote to them shortly thereafter with an e-mail that read, “uhhhh, I don’t remember saying ‘shit’ so much” and Turmell turned around and denied the cursing to Kotaku, so the clip isn’t real. But ultimately, who cares? It’s hilarious, and you should show it to everyone you know.

Video is after the cut.

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Ozzie Guillen is never at a loss for exciting post-game quotes. Actually he’s always at a loss, but that’s what makes these so good. I almost cherry-picked “no energy in the dugout and a horsesh** approach at the plate” or “it’s going to be a f**king long-ass God damn July”, but I think this response late in the interview sums things up perfectly.

“A lot of people say sh*t I talk sh*t because I have to talk sh*t. No I don’t. I talk sh*t because I have [bup bup] what I see, that’s all it I see. Very bad. Very bad.”

Of course, that’s paraphrased. He might’ve been saying something nice.

To his credit, Guillen and the White Sox did have a terrible night. The Chicago White Sox fell 2-1 in 11 innings to the basement-dwelling Kansas City Royals, and during the eighth inning a foul ball doing God’s work hit Ozzie in the eyeball. The way the AL Central looks right now, a bad weekend could put the Sox behind the Twins and even closer to the bottom of the division. As the night dragged on, Ozzie cooled down and hopped on Twitter to close out the story.

According to my three years of high school Spanish (and the educational television program “Destinos”) “vamosa vino tinto” means “going to the red wine.” I’m not 100% on “duro pa lante”, but I have no reason to believe Ozzie’s any better at Spanish than he is at English.

Edit: Because I suddenly have a huge Spanish speaking audience, it’s been brought to my attention that Ozzie’s tweet boils down to “Go Venezuelan soccer team, let’s be tough”. So it’s good that Ozzie could move on from his no good very bad day, and bad that I’m too American to understand anything other than the messed up pseudo-language I speak.

[h/t Big League Stew]

For absolutely no reason, welcome to our new weekday feature All Avril Afternoons, where Burnsy and I choose to sit inside and write about Avril instead of running around barefoot in the grass and enjoying what’s left of our youth. Up first is a foul-mouthed transcript from pop-hornstress Avril Lavigne’s most recent visit to Tampa and their Rays, wherein she throws out the first pitch and says a lot of curse words. She’s known to do that. She’s a fountain of forced obscenity, and the only thing plugging her up is the word “like.” And maybe Brody Jenner.

But yeah, this is a music and celebrities site so we’ll move on to The Dugout, which follows after the jump. Be sure to drop a comment and join the ever-growing Dugout community, then head over to Facebook and “like” us for non-stop, exclusive Avril Lavigne discussion.

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It’s too bad we don’t have a button you can click to tell me how you thought this was “win” (and possibly “old”), because this clip of University of Texas baseball head coach Augie Garrido flipping the hell out and explaining his team’s utter futility through extended, graphic metaphor is a definite LOLing, oh-my-godding win. Watch in amazement as he paints a canvas of curse words, somehow making it through without his heart exploding from his mouth like it was shot from a potato cannon.

The two major reactions I’ve read so far have been “haha what is wrong with this guy” and “this reminds me of [hateful person] who motivated me in the past.” Maybe I’m not the type with the testicular fortitude to make it in the world of college sports, but if this guy started screaming at me like this I’d consider doing something with my life that wouldn’t eventually turn me into a guy who gets so mad he turns the same color as his burnt sienna-ass t-shirt.

If you’d like to see more, check out this clip’s origin in Richard Linklater’s documentary Inning By Inning: A Portrait of a Coach, which also features Ethan Hawke telling Julie Delpy about how he F**KING BELIEVES IN F**KING REINCARNATION AND THE NOTION OF A F**KING ETERNAL SOUL YOU PIECE OF SH*T

[via Buzzfeed]