Woman, don’t STAAART with me!

Links

High Quality Comedy: 10 Hilarious “In Living Color” Skits - This list is awesome, but is missing 1) Please Mama, Don’t Eat The Government Cheese, and 2) the one where Jim Carrey can’t communicate because he clucks like a chicken. [Smoking Section]

Mr. T. Baby Unmasked! The Follow-Up Interview - The best thing to happen on the network since we interviewed the Lobster Dog. Babies are awesome when I don’t know them and aren’t sitting beside them on an airplane. [Film Drunk]

The Best Of Community’s Dean Pelton - I love Troy, I love Annie, but the Dean is the best part of the show. Dean dong! [UPROXX]

Oh, No: Academics Analyze ‘Jersey Shore’ - Sorta like what I do with Best and Worst of Raw every week, but with an increased chance of getting to sleep with J-WOWW. [Warming Glow]

Dog From Up In Real Life Discovered On A See-Saw - oh my god I want to hug him so hard [Film Drunk]

Happy Halloween From Shifty-Eyed Vigo the Carpathian - The greatest character in the history of movies. One of my career goals is to make a prequel film about him, but make it a dreary period-piece starring Keira Knightley and somebody. Also, to have sex with Keira Knightley. [Gamma Squad]

Things That Lasted Longer Than Kim Kardashian’s Marriage - The best so far is “Gary Coleman casket”, not for the joke, but because of the lack of apostrophe-s. [Buzzfeed]

Pyromaniac Cat Is Infatuated With Open Flame - My love is blind, can’t you see my desire? That’s the way love goes. [The FW]

Adult Swim’s Introduction to Cthulhu - If you want to learn more about Cthulhu, just go to Teefury.com every third day. Also a great way to learn about Doctor Who. [Adult Swim

10 Biggest Celebrity Wax Figure FAILS - I've never once stood beside a wax figure and thought "wow, they did a great job". It always looks like a Sears mannequin in slightly more-expensive clothes. [PopCrush]

If You Think You Hated Justin Bieber Before, He Has A Batmobile - Maybe they can cast him as Robin in a “The Dark Knight Returns” movie. He’d be perfect, wouldn’t he? [FARK]

Director Joe Dante’s 8 Favorite Scary Christmas Movies - I will listen to anything the man who directed Gremlins (and more importantly, Gremlins 2) has to say. [Moviefone]

This one should actually be on the list.

Links

Your Nostalgia Is Killing You: The 30 Worst TV Theme Songs of All Time - I’m going to start off with two list posts that put me at odds with the people I write with at Uproxx. This isn’t “worst theme songs”, it’s any theme song you can remember, and half of them are awesome. [UPROXX]

The 8 Most Nauseating Disney Channel Shows of All Time - The second list is from Jason, a person I don’t know, who sh*t-talks The Suite Life of Zack and Cody AND, AND Dumbo’s Circus. Talk bad about Dumbo’s Circus again and I will literally kill you. [Warming Glow]

Planned Parenthood: 5 Jay-Z Songs About Becoming a Dad - I hope 99 Problems gets rewritten to suggest that a bitch IS one of his problems. [Smoking Section]

7 Monstrous Cthulhu Tattoos: The Evil Being Awakens Human Skin - People will get anything tattooed on them. I want to get the volcano from the old Dianetics commercial. [Gamma Squad]

The Internet Responds to Hurricane Irene with Typical Class and Grace - Slightly less disrespectful than running around with your middle fingers in the air while a reporter tells you to stay inside. [UPROXX]

Mila Kunis Loves World of Warcraft - No she doesn’t. Don’t buy this. Olivia Munn doesn’t like video games either. Morgan Webb likes video games because she liked them before she was supposed to. [Gamma Squad]

Never Nude for a Good Cause - The most important link on this list. Donate money, if you can. I’m going to donate money as soon as I start getting paid. [Warming Glow]

George Lucas’s Daughter Beats Up a Japanese Chick - Additionally, George Lucas has been beating the sh*t out of the rest of us since like 1995. [Film Drunk]

T.I. Reportedly to Be Released from Prison on Wednesday - You know it ain’t nothin’ for him to drop a couple stacks on you. Stacks of what, I’m not sure. [Smoking Section]

Matthew Fox Punched a Lady in the Crotch - Suddenly 10 million Chris Brown fans put “Lost” on their Netflix queue. [FARK]

5 Petty Acts That Somehow Violated NCAA Rules - I hope “attempting to demonize deacons” is on here somewhere. Also, “tarring one’s heels”. [The Smoking Jacket]

When Did America Develop Better Taste in Movies Than the Rest of the World? - When we stopped assuming “what people watch a lot” meant “what people like”. I’ve seen two of three Transformers movies in the theater, but they didn’t taste good. [Moviefone]

7 Bizarre Ancient Contraception Techniques - Number eight: Having Brandon’s 7th grade haircut. [Buzzfeed]

The 5 People and Things on Network TV I Miss the Most Right Now - 1. Freaks and Geeks, 2. Paramore music videos, 3. The Bozo Show with the proper Bozo from my childhood, 4. Cookie from the Bozo Show, 5. Cuddly Dudley. [Pajiba]