Robert G. Burton has demanded that the University of Connecticut return a $3 million donation that he made to the Huskies athletics department in 2004 because he feels that the athletic director was not inclusive enough in the process of hiring a new football coach. Burton, who has donated more than $7 million to the school and had the football stadium named for his family, wrote a letter to athletic director Jeff Hathaway expressing his displeasure in not being a part of the coaching search. It is unknown if the letter was written in comic sans.

“For someone who has given over $7,000,000 to the football program/university, I do not feel as though these requests were asking for too much,” Burton wrote. “Your lack of response on either of these requests tells me you do not respect my point of view or value my opinion.”

“I am fed up with you as a manager because you did not let the hiring process take place in an open manner,” Burton wrote. “You and your committee of three talked to some coaches and made a critical decision about who you were going to hire without input from knowledgeable people who care about the program.” (Via Hartford Courant)

The letter also cites Burton’s experience as a football player and he proclaims to be the perfect deciding force in selecting a coach because he knows “more football coaches than the majority of Athletic Directors in America.” According to additional sources, he is threatening to move scholarships from UConn to Syracuse and “totally TP the girls’ dorms, bro.”

The athletic department and university issued a brief statement explaining that Burton was consulted throughout the entire hiring process, as were other donors, adding: “Tough titties, crybaby.”

Over the weekend, 36-year old free agent wide receiver and humble role player Terrell Owens told the NFL Network’s Rich Eisen that he hasn’t signed a deal because the media has unfairly portrayed him as a cancer in the locker room, an accusation that Owens vehemently denies. In related news, this has inspired me to promote world peace through the new program Dismissive Wanks Across America.

According to a variety of additional news outlets, Owens has been linked to a number of teams since NFL free agency began, including the Miami Dolphins, Oakland Raiders, Chicago Bears, Cincinnati Bengals, Baltimore Ravens, San Diego Chargers, and resigning with the Buffalo Bills. While both the local media and team representatives have denied it, Owens insists that the Seattle Seahawks remain the most interested of any teams in acquiring his services. Upon hearing this, Matt Hasselbeck’s last hair fell out.

Do sit-ups in your driveway, All Headline News:

Owens reportedly blamed his “hated persona” as the main cause of his failure to find a team willing to take his service next season.

Owens insisted his cancer image was far from his true personality as a teammate and a person.

“The teams I’ve been on, if you ask in that locker room how I’ve been as a teammate and as a person, it’s contradictory to what’s been displayed out there,” Owens told NFL Network Friday.

Having publicly questioned Jeff Garcia’s sexuality and famously blown up on Donovan McNabb on the sidelines during games, Owens at least has the endorsement of Bills QB Trent Edwards, who recently said that Owens was good teammate, despite, you know, Owens calling him out repeatedly for not throwing to him. T.O. also pointed out that the Bengals showing interest in him completely negates the assertion that he’s a behavioral liability. Seriously. The Bengals. He said that. I had to go back and read that like 15 times.

In the meantime, the Bengals signed Antonio Bryant, a player with myriad injuries and a history of coaching conflicts. The Ravens opted to trade for Anquan Boldin and signed Donte Stallworth, recently back from a one-year suspension after killing a man in a drunk driving incident. But T.O. said that ultimately he’d like to play with the Washington Redskins, as he claims that he and McNabb have talked about a reunion. McNabb, however, denied this, saying that he’d just like to see Owens back in Philadelphia.