Real Madrid won’t have another match for two weeks, but that didn’t stop the Spanish Champions League club from opening its doors for a preview of their new acquisition, Cristiano Ronaldo, arguably the greatest soccer player in the world. Real Madrid spent $131 million US for him, and I guess couldn’t wait to show him off to a capacity crowd at…wherever it is they play [checks index card] at the Santiago Bernabeu Stadium. In Madrid. Obviously.
Obviously, there’s dick-all going on in sports today, so here’s a pretty sweet goal from Brazil, via Sporting Blog, via Maj, via everyone that had this before we did. This guy could play for your club for a bit cheaper than nine figures, I’m sure.
As the athlete’s celebratory cry for the team achievement has long been, “I’m going to Disneyland,” the new exclamation for the more provocative sportsman might be, “I’m gonna blow a load into Paris Hilton.” Such seemed to be the plan for Christiano Ronaldo, who found himself in a California club called MyHouse Wednesday night before finding himself in the hotel heiress. I wonder which line to get in was longer. Wokka wokka wokka!
The scoring machine and Paris got down and dirty as they teamed up to celebrate the soccer ace’s £80million transfer.
A clubber who witnessed their frolicking said: “They were sucking each other’s faces off like their plane was going down.
“At one point Ronaldo had a bottle between his legs and Paris was stroking it. It was very racy.” |The Sun|
TMZ is “reporting” that Paris went back to her old fling the next night, who’s some guy I never heard of.
But our spies say last night Paris begged Doug Reinhardt to take her back. She told him she loved him and had made a mistake by breaking up with him.
We’re told she was texting him all night and then showed up at his house at 4 AM this morning, banging on his door.
See? With Paris Hilton, even the door gets herpes. Um, I mean laid.
Manchester United star/prostitute aficionado Cristiano Ronaldo was driving from Manchester Airport when he totaled his $300,000 Ferrari. Somewhat less importantly, Ronaldo was unharmed. No other cars were involved, it was 10:00 in the morning, and the only “road condition” of note is that he was driving in a tunnel. In other words, he drives like a sixteen-year-old Valley girl.
A witness said: “The front of Ronaldo’s car was completely mangled. There was metal all over the road and debris - and we had to dodge our way through it. Ronaldo was just standing at the side of the road looking forlorn and bewildered.
“My daughter said to me, ‘Oh my God - that’s Cristiano Ronaldo!’ It’s amazing he was okay because his car looked so bad.”
I just hate it when bad things happen to responsible, respectful role models like Cristiano Ronaldo. Do you have any idea how much this must affect him? Three hundred thousand dollars is his hooker budget for two whole months!
Manchester United star Cristiano Ronaldo has a new girlfriend, and if you had “25-year-old Ukrainian face of a Russian mail-order bride website who happens to be married to a 50-year-old millionaire” in the Ronaldo pool, collect your money. Although Alyona Haynes is separated from geezer husband John, he blames Ronaldo’s interference for breaking up their marriage after he found text messages on her phone:
“They looked like they had been written by a seven-year-old… it was dreadful English and they mentioned Portugal. They were very coyly written. There were things like ‘Do you miss me baby? I miss you’. I just assumed she was playing around with a waiter who had just arrived from Portugal. I had no idea it was him.
“He’s not intelligent in the slightest. Alyona is a very intelligent woman so I can’t imagine what they talk about when they sit down together. I just can’t get my head around it.”
Yeah, that’s a real noggin-scratcher. “I just don’t understand why my wife would rather be with the handsome world-famous athlete who’s richer than I am and not twice her age.” Best leave that one alone. Some mysteries aren’t meant to be solved.
I understand there are still pockets of America that don’t follow events in the English Premier League (or Barclay’s or whatever they’re calling it now), so I’ll fill you in: the big match this weekend was between the old rivals of Manchester. All-world team Man U outclassed this season’s upgraded squad from Man City, but the real news was Cristiano Ronaldo getting sent off after collecting two yellow cards (the latter being an intentional hand ball).
Now, this may come as a shock to you, but Ronaldo reacted to the situation like a little girl. One source wrote from across the pond: “After Cristiano got carded on the weekend, he apparently went into the dressing room and kicked his boot into a mirror and smashed it.. He was also crying apparently. How do I know this? His cousin told me :)”
So, is it true? Welp, take a look at the pictures and you tell me if that’s a man capable of a hissy fit. Is that the preening spoiled face of a talented prima donna who would cry if he didn’t get his way? I don’t want to sound biased, but the answer is yes. Yes it is.
Manchester United/Portuguese teammates “Nani” Cunha and Cristiano Ronaldo famously shared women at Ronaldo’s five-hooker orgy, which makes blowing out birthday candles together over a glass of white wine either more gay or less gay. I’m not sure.
Anyway, happy 24th birthday to Nani. I’m sure being friends with Ronaldo is always nice around birthdays and holidays. “Hey, Cristiano, what’d you get me? *please say hookers please say hookers* Hookers? Why, what a surprise!”
(thanks to Maj)
