"I know I look like a tool, but I will beat the pee out of you."

As a mixed martial arts fighter, Ben Fodor knows a thing or two about being invincible, what with his whole 11-0 career record. Unfortunately, when Fodor decided to take up the alter ego of “Phoenix Jones”, a so-called “superhero” and crimefighter in Seattle, we kind of stopped caring about whatever it is that Fodor likes to do in the octagon.

In fact, last we checked in with Phoenix Jones, he was doing his “keeping the streets safe” thing on a night just like tonight, when some racist dudes picked a fight with him. You see, sometimes when you dress like a badass, people might see that as a challenge, especially if that badass is black and those people are racist a-holes. Fortunately, Washington is a “mutual combat” state and Jones disposed of the racist a-hole in a most delightful manner.

But now, fine citizens of the Emerald City and the general Lynnwood area, Jones needs your help. He’s expanding his operation to take down more than just Klu Klux Karl, and you just might be his next sidekick.

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Josh Cribbs is living through this lockout the best he can. He’s working out, training hard, and doing what he can to be completely screwed over by the new kickoff rules, but he’s done it all while keeping a low profile. Until now. What started out as a simple trip to get a haircut has turned into one of the biggest athlete scandals in the history of professional sports. Josh Cribbs… got a parking ticket.

But this isn’t just any ordinary $15 parking ticket. Cribbs says that this ticket is undeserved and is a clear, shining example of a corrupt Cleveland police department that he must now wage war against to save the people of Cleveland, lest they forever be subject to unfair parking fines.

“I was at the barber and I went outside to put a quarter in the meter. I saw I had a parking ticket. But there was eight minutes left on the meter, I was highly upset,” said Cribbs.

“I wrote, ‘not guilty!’ I made sure to take pictures with time stamps,” laughs Cribbs. “I got a lot of response. People saying the Cleveland Heights Police Department is notorious for writing out tickets, people who have been wronged.”

“Well, since this is a lockout, I have the time to fight for Cleveland, fight for the blue collar workers here, and I think it’s wrong and I am trying to stand up for those who can’t,” said Cribbs. (Fox 8 Cleveland)

As Cribbs points out, it costs $50 to fight a $15 parking ticket in Cleveland, so he’s taking it upon himself to save thousands of his neighbors $35 each. But this isn’t simply a case of a hero taking down the corrupt law. Not if the police have anything to say about it.

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Until now, the hardest part about this NFL lockout ordeal for most of us was worrying about planning our fantasy football draft parties, but it turns out that people out there actually depend on the NFL for their income and supporting their families. Who knew? But according to Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis, this whole lockout thing goes way beyond franchise employees, stadium vendors, parking attendants and posse and entourage members.

“Do this research if we don’t have a season — watch how much evil, which we call crime, watch how much crime picks up, if you take away our game,” Ray Lewis told ESPN.

“There’s too many people that live through us, people live through us,” he said. “Yeah, walk in the streets, the way I walk the streets, and I’m not talking about the people you see all the time.” (New York Daily News)

Of course we all know that Lewis was charged with obstruction of justice in 2000, after he lied to the police about the stabbing of two men after a Super Bowl party in Atlanta. Lewis was originally charged with the murder of the men, but his lawyer had the murder charges dismissed if he agreed to testify against his friends, and because Lewis’ white suit, presumably covered with blood, was never found. Meanwhile, Lewis settled privately with the families of the men that his friends killed, because that’s what most innocent men do. I just wanted to refresh our memories and bask in the irony.

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While former New York Giants wideout Plaxico Burress has received forgiveness for the person he shot in the leg in a New York City nightclub–himself. Now his legal team is trying to win forgiveness from the state for Michigan State product.

The statistics demonstrate the laws of New York aren’t always evenly applied. Burress was charged with second-degree gun possession, which requires a minimum of 3½ years in jail. Yet prosecutors in your state, Mr. Paterson, commonly drop the charges to third-degree possession, which doesn’t carry a minimum prison sentence.

This discretion, as several media reports and legal analysts have stated, allows prosecutors far too much leeway in deciding who is worthy of a reduced charge and who is not. –Mike Freeman.

It’s helps Plaxico’s cause that New York state governor David Paterson is incredibly unpopular right now, and wouldn’t lose much in terms of public support if he were to give Burress a pass. But screw that. Everyone seems irritated that Plaxico seems to have been held to a higher standard in this case. That’s a convenient mindset since Plaxico was also his own victim. If he had handled his firearm a little less poorly–say, aimed at another patron in the club–I doubt those sympathies would exist. Besides, he should do at least six months for wearing sweatpants to a club.