I hope that cap is sealed, right Morrissey? LOL!

Apparently this video has been around for approximately a year, but I hadn’t seen it until late last night, which means that everyone here has to pretend like it’s their first time as well. And yes, that’s how I approach a lot of things in my life.

Meet Tsar the Ukrainian hunting dog, as he is about to become an Internet star (again) for his unique companionship. Basically, Tsar’s owner(s) has trained him to fetch bottles of vodka, and that is awesome for two reasons:

1. Animals that fetch any sort of alcoholic beverages are instantly awesome. See: This classic Bud Light ad.
2. The fact that Tsar fetches entire bottles of vodka means that these guys are all putting away multiple bottles of vodka. But I suppose this is more depressing than it is awesome, because in Russia that’s a sign of grizzled manliness, while in America it’s considered alcoholism and “dangerous to the rest of the people on your awesome party boat, Burns”.

In conclusion, Tsar is my nomination for Dog of the Week/Month and/or Year, even if this video was posted last year.

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While I’ve yet to try Ron Swanson’s guaranteed hangover cure, I have tried hundreds, if not thousands, of others and not a single one works. Hell, there was even a time when I would have paid a million doll hairs for a case of XXX Vitamin Water because I was convinced that it was the ultimate hangover cure, but it turns out that 50 Cent and the makers of that sugar water bullsh*t were simply full of crap. If I can’t trust a mediocre rapper for my vitamins, who can I trust?

But it appears that some UCLA professor/doctor/scientist types have their eyes on the lucrative, untapped market of leaving frat boys’ bathroom sinks unclogged, as UCLA’s Yunfeng Lu and Cheng Ji are hard at work on an actual, honest-to-Pappy Van Winkle cure for the common hangover. Sorry cancer, maybe next year.

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What a sh*tty statue.

Growing up in Florida, I’ve never known the joy of building a snowman or especially spelling my name in the snow. But something that I didn’t know is that kids in some places that are extremely cold share that problem, as they are unable to sculpt the snow since it obviously turns into ice. Take, for instance, the village of Yolba in Russia, where the below-40 temperature has left the locals with nothing to sculpt. Nothing but hot cow dung, that is.

A building manager by day and dung pioneer by night, Mikhail Bopposov decided that he’d be damned if he was going to let a lack of powder or chainsaws get in his way in making a fun sculpture for the local kids to enjoy during this winter season. So he went out on his farm or ranch or whatever he has and started scooping up the crap from his 17 cows and turned it all into an 880-pound sculpture of a cobra to honor the Chinese Year of the Snake.

Go ahead and soak that whole stinky sentence in.

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It’s hard to believe that it’s been almost a year since I brought us the news of the Bubble Baba Challenge in Russia, but this past weekend our Soviet brothers and sisters headed back to the Vuoksa River for the world’s greatest race… with sex dolls.

Hundreds of competitors returned to the town of Losevo in Leningrad Oblast to race their trusty inflatable love toys down the river. In case you’re a little forgetful, the race’s organizers make sure that a doctor is on hand to administer alcohol tests to all of the participants. Keep in mind that the age for participating begins at 16, which is one of the reasons why we love Russia so much.

Unlike last year, though, we have a slew of photos from the race, so you can see all the sex doll glasnost for yourself, in case you’ve been contemplating creating your own sex doll racing league.

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This ain’t your grandpa’s airplane! Actually, I think that was the tagline for Soul Plane. I’m sorry; what a terrible way to start off a post.

Last night, the Russian world junior hockey team played for the championship against Canada and won, 5-3. After the game, they were full of happiness and celebration, if “happiness” and “celebration” meant “booze” and “more booze.”

You’re telling me Snoop Dogg is a pilot, Calgary Herald? Outrageous!

The team, celebrating its come-from behind 5-3 victory over Team Canada in the world junior hockey championship final Wednesday night, were removed from Delta Air Lines flight 1266 just before the plane took off at approximately 6:10 a.m.

“To ensure the safe operation of the flight, the crew of flight 1266 denied boarding to 30 passengers who were travelling together and displaying unruly behaviour,” Delta spokeswoman Susan Elliott said in a statement. “The passengers are being rebooked on a future flight.”[..]

Police at the airport said the players appeared to be intoxicated.

If the players were drunk, they would have been consuming alcohol illegally, since the legal drinking age in the state of New York is 21, and players on world junior teams must be 20 years of age and under.

Come on, these kids won some hockey tournament I had no clue about! The people in charge of the tournament should have let them celebrate with the best alcohol from their homeland: vodka! Last time I checked, the greatest place to drink underage is America! In fact, I’m doing it right now. So what if it’s 3 in the afternoon? YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

Photo via Deadspin.