Dave Lamont has been a somewhat popular fixture in South Florida college sports broadcasting, as a talk radio host, play-by-play for ESPN college football action, and calling SEC basketball games, but today he’s a star for his work as the voice of Florida Atlantic University football. And really, when you think South Florida football stars, you always think FAU. Hoot hoot, Owls!

During Saturday’s 37-16 loss to hated rival Arkansas State, FAU’s quarterback Jeff Van Camp slid to avoid a hit, but a hit he would take anyway. According to Lamont’s colorful analysis, the defender laid a helmet-to-helmet shot on the unprotected QB. The refs apparently didn’t think much of the hit, though, and no flag was thrown. I assume that everyone knows how bad the hit was because we were all watching this game, but in case you didn’t watch 1-5 FAU play Arkansas State, you’re going to have to take Dave’s word for it. His incredibly awesome, angry word.

Let’s take you back in time to an instant college sports announcing classic after the jump…

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In 1999, Vyacheslav Datsik became a popular name in the world of mixed martial arts when he shockingly defeated Andrei Arlovski at the MFC World Championship after Arlovski had been kicking his ass during most of the fight. Datsik built his MMA record to 12-1 before he just sort of fell apart. He resorted to a life of crime, robbing retail stores before he was eventually caught and declared batsh*t crazy. After serving years in a maximum security mental ward, he was moved to a lower security facility, and this turned out to be a brilliant move because he escaped last weekend. By tearing through a metal fence. With his bare hands. F*cking metal, bro.

Russian authorities are trying to find this psycho gorilla because he’s back to his old tricks of robbing stores, as a cell phone store owner reported that a “hefty” man stole $227 dollars and a Nokia phone from him over the weekend. This dude is like Jason Bourne, only he’s real, completely insane and he will beat you to death. But let’s revisit part of the story for a second:

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The greatest player in the history of the Chinese Basketball Association is ready to take his talents to the Miami Heat. Well, he will be ready, as soon as Miami calls him back. The two time NBA All-Star and fashion icon says reports that indicate he’s unwilling to return to the league are false. That’s what happens when the local reporters speak Mandarin.

Stephon Marbury told Marc Berman of TheNew York Post that a Chinese reporter lost something in the translation and called it “total nonsense” that he turned down a chance to play for the Heat.

“…why would I turn down a chance to play for the Miami Heat?” Marbury said. “The report was a fabrication.”

“What I was saying was I wouldn’t be making a major difference with those guys because they have great players,” Marbury told The Post. “I’d just be filling a smaller role. Miami was considering bringing me there. They told me they’d get back to me. I haven’t heard back.” –USA Today

Did they say “don’t call us, we’ll call you,” Steph? If so, I wouldn’t spend too much time waiting around the phone. That’s only going to lead to drowning your tears in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s at 2:30 in the morning, something I wouldn’t know anything about at all. Why didn’t you call me back, Real World casting? Am I not real enough for you? When you prick me, do I not bleed? Oh well, there’s always next year. Highlights from Stephon’s CBA All-Star Game MVP performance after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

With the first pick of the 2010 Major League Baseball Draft, the Washington Nationals selected San Diego State phenom Stephen Strasburg. The future franchise ace reportedly will make his MLB debut during the June 8-10 series against the Pirates, but until then he will have not thrown one pitch in a professional appearance. Despite his glaring inexperience, Strasburg is drawing a great deal of attention from people with more money than God, as his one-of-a-kind Bowman Chrome Superfractor rookie card is currently priced at more than $16,000 on eBay with just over 2 days remaining on the listing.

As the proud owner of a Pat Listach Donruss Rated Rookie, I offer this a hearty chortle, as I’m still holding out for my payday. However, this lone rookie card has drawn a great deal of attention in a dying industry from serious collectors, as owning the card will allow the lucky auction winner to initiate conversations at black tie social galas with lines like, “Hey baby, ever seen an $18,000 baseball card?” and “Anybody want to give me $10,000 for this baseball card I just bought?”

Give this story a mint rating, NESN.com:

According to Yahoo Sports, a poster on Freedom Cardboard says he’s the one selling the card, and Blowout Cards is running a contest to guess the final price of the card marked “1/1.”

Strasburg still has not even thrown a pitch for the Washington Nationals, but he is one of the most highly touted prospects in baseball history.

If I had $17,000 burning a hole in my pocket, I’d probably make some student loan payments, order a few KFC Double Decker sandwiches, and go on one hell of a coke-fueled stripper bender. Seeing as I don’t have that kind of money, though, I can only offer my wishes of luck to the people hellbent on winning a small rectangle with a picture on it.

Strasburg’s Bowman card is hardly the most expensive card in the sports merchandise world, but it marks the first time in many years that a newly produced sports collector’s card has created a stir. In fact, if any of you are interested, I’m starting a new line of sports blogger cards. For just $20,000, you can own the incredibly rare “Burnsy Kissing a Girl” card. I’ll ship it as soon as I show it to my mom so she’ll stop telling me, “It’s OK, we love you no matter what.”

For reasons far beyond my comprehension, a woman has swum across the Atlantic Ocean.  Jennifer Figge, 56, swam eight hours a day for the last month after leaving from the islands of Cape Verde, resting at night on the sailboat that accompanied her during her trip.  Wow.  It only took a month?  Sounds like somebody’s sailboat was moving while she slept.

She saw a pod of pilot whales, several turtles, dozens of dolphins, plenty of Portuguese man-of-war — but no sharks. “I was never scared,” Figge said. “Looking back, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I can always swim in a pool.” [...]

Figge woke most days around 7 a.m., eating pasta and baked potatoes while she and the crew assessed the weather. Her longest stint in the water was about eight hours, and her shortest was 21 minutes. Crew members would throw bottles of energy drinks as she swam; if the seas were too rough, divers would deliver them in person. At night she ate meat, fish and peanut butter, replenishing the estimated 8,000 calories she burned a day.

What a wonderful story.  An inspiring tale of someone doing something dull in order to be the first name in a record book that no one will look at.  It was a tale of wetsuits, and turtles, and high-calorie diets.  Who can ever forget this magical achievement?  Besides everyone.

Yesterday, the Tough Guy Challenge gave us such visual delights as people exhaling freezing muddy water, people running through fire, and (of course) a stud in the Borat monokini.

As a follow-up, here’s a video report on the event (via The Sporting Blog) that makes me long for the days when I was fit enough — and perversely masochistic enough — to run 8 miles cross-country before going through a hellish obstacle course. Now I’m too old and weak and sane to do something like this. Now if I want to get some dangerous kicks, it’s back to the ol’ autoerotic asphyxiation. **tightens belt around neck**