When I first heard about this story, I was mad. The two things that make me maddest are (1) people who are dicks to animals, and (2) finally getting to write a FLORIDA OR OHIO story and finding out it happened in neither.

I can only feel so badly about this one, however, because it is the comedy gift that keeps on givin’. Meet Gary Wayne Ericcson, the 46-year old North Carolina man who mourned the death of his beloved pet snake by shooting it, then went to jail for animal cruelty because he couldn’t reasonably explain why he’d want to shoot up a dead snake. His rationale is almost poetically southern:

But Ericcson says the snake, which he said was named Anonymous, had died before the shooting.

“I couldn’t bury him or the other animals would get him,” Ericcson told NBC Charlotte, the Observer’s news partner. “I had to shoot it to get the gas out of him, then I was going to burn him.”

Ericcson said the snake was his pet for about 17 years. “I’ve had that snake since he was so small he could just wrap around your wrist,” he said. “Me and my wife can’t have kids, so the animals are our kids.” (via Charlotte Observer)

If a man naming his child-pet “Anonymous” (to keep it off the grid, I guess?) and debating whether to shoot it with love or burn it with love to keep other animals from “getting him” doesn’t make you laugh, perhaps this aside from the end of the report will. Ericcson was so mad that after he shot the snake, he turned the gun ON HIS NASCAR MEMORABILIA CABINET. Because America!

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A ferret in a cowboy hat is always relevant.

I have a ridiculous fascination with horrible things that people do to themselves in the name of sport. It’s a guilty pleasure, because it makes me feel better about myself that I don’t do ridiculous things like tie large objects to my testicles or try to bare-knuckle box a wild animal that is larger than me. And while I typically prefer to keep our discussions focused on more important topics like how attractive Kate Upton looked while hanging out with children at a rodeo, I just can’t ignore some of the incredibly stupid things that people do.

In this case, the sport in question is “Ferret Legging” and it involves grown men stuffing ferrets down their pants for the sake of endurance. During this time trial, the ferrets undoubtedly bite and scratch the man’s genitalia, but that’s the point of ferret legging – showing just how big and invincible your balls are. The sport apparently originated in England, but it’s also alive and well in the United States, as the people of Richmond, Virginia hold an annual ferret legging championship. Oh, and the world record is 5 hours and 33 minutes.

I checked out a bunch of sites to try to get a better idea of what it’s all about, and I was surprised that so many people were already fully aware of what ferret legging entails, and I was kind of embarrassed that I’d never heard of it before. But then I realized that Rick Reilly wrote a book with a whole chapter on ferret legging, so I’m relieved that I didn’t find out about it that way.

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Trust me, I wanted to use that screen cap of her and McNulty from “The Wire”, but there are certain things I’m not allowed to do on this website. Uh, yet.

Sports

Terrell Owens Joins USA’s Necessary Roughness - I can’t wait to hear “NFL great Terrell Owens guest stars on an all new Necessary Roughness! USA, characters welcome!” between two Twix commercials during every single break on Monday Night Raw. [AOL TV]

Fantasy Football Goes Hollywood: The KSK Sex/Fantasy Mailbag - HONESTY: “I’m glad we’re exclusive, because you’re the only person I want to be with.” DISCLOSURE: “Now that we’re exclusive, here is a list detailing which of my friends have ejaculated in my mouth.” [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

MMA Movie Alert: Think The Karate Kid But With An Autistic Cage Fighter - Honestly, that’s sorta how I think about The Karate Kid already. Remember in the 80s when there were suddenly 15 movies about pro wrestling, and none of them got any better than No Holds Barred? Yep, that’s what we’re doing again. [Cage Potato]

Epic ACW Queen of Queens Tournament 2011 Pics By Bowie Ibarra - Included here for three reasons: (1) Bowie is a cool guy, so I want to throw him some love, (2) I love my Anarchy Championship Wrestling dearly, and (3) I make a cameo appearance, and yes, it is part of my continuing efforts to make Portia Perez like me. [Zombie Blood Fights]

With Leather

Redneck Olympics Vs. The U.S. Olympic Committee - I’m going to be honest, that trashy girl on the left probably #cangetit. I have weird standards where my girlfriend is sophisticated and gorgeous, but inner 14-year old me thinks these hillbilly girls and their 3-year window of hotness before they turn into toothless, tattooed monsters makes them desirable. Stupid rural upbringing. [With Leather]

Reggie Bush Is Pretty Sad About Losing Everything - I’m not sure what I’d say in even one text message to Kim Kardashian. “Hey, I’ve seen your show, I don’t like it. Your butt is big, write me back.” Okay, so I know exactly what I’d say. [With Leather]

@Storytime: Pat Hanlon Loses His Goddamn Mind - Don’t sleep on this edition of @Storytime, wherein a grown adult man retweets everyone in the world and adds “kiss my ass, butthole!” before it. Update: It is Friday, and the sun is still shining. But I’m in Texas, so I don’t know what’s going on over there. [With Leather]

The Chickbusters In Hipster Glasses - It’s a link to yesterday’s morning links, sure, but that picture of Kaitlyn in wayfarers is going to stay with me for weeks. [With Leather]

Not Sports

Deal With It GIFs: Pop Culture Edition - Deal With It GIFs are the best way to end a conversation, because they go in one ear and out the other like you posted blank space. Additionally, why do we live in a world where animated pictures are important to conversations? [UPROXX]

Flowmotion: 33 Rapid Fire Rap Songs - “Now we know y’all be lovin’ this … right here, L-I-M-P, Bizkit is right here. People in the house put them hands in the air, cause if you don’t care, then we don’t care!” – author unknown |Smoking Section|

15 Scariest Photos of Steven Tyler - Also acceptable, “all photos of Steven Tyler”. Why can’t we do the 15 best pictures of Liv Tyler, or better still, Mia? [Unreality]

Woman Can’t Stop Eating Dead Husband - Headlines that work. [Warming Glow]

Have you ever sat down to watch a football game and though to yourself “This needs at least 50% more ass kicking?” Well, the Brutal Fight Football League has heard your pleas, and taken pity upon your miserable soul. These lovers of all-things-violent are trying to revive the ancient Roman sport Harpastum, which soliders used to train for battle. And, as we all know, Roman soldiers were known for their love of rape and murder. Thankfully, Wikipedia exists, so I can find out what the hell Harpastum is without looking like a nerd at the library. Libraries. What a waste of my tax dollars. Thank God I have all of those off shore expense accounts.

“Harpastum, which used to be called Phaininda, is the game I like most of all. Great are the exertion and fatigue attendant upon contests of ball-playing, and violent twisting and turning of the neck. Hence Antiphanes, “Damn it, what a pain in the neck I’ve got.” He describes the game thus: “He seized the ball and passed it to a team-mate while dodging another and laughing. He pushed it out of the way of another. Another fellow player he raised to his feet. All the while the crowd resounded with shouts of Out of bounds, Too far, Right beside him, Over his head, On the ground, Up in the air, Too short, Pass it back in the scrum.” –Wikipedia

Keep in mind, the Roman definition of violent is much different than ours. They would watch people get mauled by lions for entertainment. We, on the other-hand, won’t let kids watch Pulp Fiction before they turn 16. We should; the sooner they know the difference between coke and heroin the better. Video after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

I’m not going to complain about how sorry my life is for like three days after reading this story. After the North Korean national team qualified for the 2010 World Cup for the first time since 1966, you’d think things were looking all peachy keen (Besides the fact that they have to reside in North Korea, of course) for them, right? WRONG. Their trip to South Africa resulted in a miserable flop of an appearance that resulted in three straight losses, including a nationally televised debacle of a game against Portugal when they surrendered 7 goals in a mortifying loss that ended with a walk to the locker room that probably felt like the Bataan death march.

Now a loss like this would ordinarily have sent a bout of white hot rage searing through the veins of almighty leader Kim Jong-il if he still had the ability to stay conscious for more than 5 minutes, but now that he spends most of his time trying to find his glasses the punishment responsibilities were handed down to his son Kim Jong un, who came down upon his mangy bunch of soccer playing failures with the full force of the hammer of Thor, which Kim Jong-il coincidently claims he owns.

The entire squad was forced onto a stage at the People’s Palace of Culture and subjected to criticism from Pak Myong-chol, the sports minister, as 400 government officials, students and journalists watched. The players were subjected to a “grand debate” on July 2 because they failed in their “ideological struggle” to succeed in South Africa, Radio Free Asia and South Korean media reported.

The team’s coach, Kim Jong-hun, was reportedly forced to become a builder and has been expelled from the Workers’ Party of Korea. The coach was punished for “betraying” Kim Jong-un – one of Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il’s sons and heir apparent.

Following ideological criticism, the players were then allegedly forced to blame the coach for their defeats. -Telegraph

Remember all of those people who joke that the North Korea soccer team was about to be sent down to the coal mines in a runaway mine cart to work in a spooky cave filled with flesh-eating mega-bats? Well you guys must feel like a bunch of jerks now, don’t you? Read the rest of this entry »