I have a confession to make – I’m a huge conspiracy nut. However, I’m not saying that I’m the kind of guy who will slap on a tin foil hat every time the government passes a law. I just love watching people dissect the most trivial of things and pretend that it’s code for some massive conspiracy. For example, have you ever watched the Jay Z Illuminati videos? Batsh*t, right? But there are people who legitimately believe that a secret society killed Whitney Houston in order to allow Blue Ivey Carter to join. At the very least, I respect their devotion.

Despite my fervor for these theories, though, I don’t like to post them that much, because spreading the gospel isn’t always a good thing. That’s why when someone sent me a video about how The Dark Knight Rises supposedly predicted the Aurora and Sandy Hook shootings, and it may also have a message buried within about a massacre at Super Bowl 47, I was like, “Nah, someone else have fun with that.”

And while there was obviously no massacre yesterday in New Orleans, I have to admit that the Super Bowl’s bizarre power outage might have turtle-headed a little fear poop.

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If you aren’t familiar with the works of Popek Rak, he’s a Polish rapper (or “raper”) turned MMA fighter with a career record of 2-1, a desire to mutilate his body in one way or another and nobody telling him to stop being such a dumb idiot.

I have to warn you up front: your introduction to Popek Rak will not be a pleasant one, and both of the videos (after the jump) come with an extreme graphic violence warning. Nobody gets killed or anything, but in the first one Popek gets tattoos ON HIS EYES, and in the second he gets intentional scarification of the face, done by … well, sawing off huge chunks of his face. By the end of the second clip he’s spitting and smoking and bleeding from the entire right side of his head, mumbling about how motherf**kers are no longer jumping on his dick.

Ladies and gentlemen, Popek Rak.

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As we’ve discussed in the past, you can’t have much of a conversation about recent New York Jets acquisition Tim Tebow without religion being mentioned. Whether it’s our juvenile jokes or the fiery rages of cable news debate, Tebow’s No. 1 claim to fame isn’t that he’s a former Heisman Trophy winner and BCS champion quarterback, but that he really loves God.

So it goes without saying that certain religious figures would list Tebow as their favorite athlete, and that seems to be the case with televangelist Pat Robertson, who took time out from spreading the gospel to complain about the Denver Broncos giving up on Tebow for that washed up bum, Peyton Manning.

“I think the Denver Broncos treated him shabbily. He won seven games. He brought them into the playoffs, for heaven sakes. I mean, they were a nothing team. He rallied them together with spectacular last-minute passes and, you know, when they beat Buffalo — I mean, Pittsburgh — it was a tremendous victory.”

Buffalo in the playoffs? Now I know that you’re just a senile old coot.

“And you just ask yourself, OK, Peyton Manning was a tremendous MVP quarterback, but he’s been injured. If that injury comes back, Denver will find itself without a quarterback — and in my opinion, it would serve them right.”

I don’t think there’s anything necessarily wrong with what Robertson said, really, because it actually seems like common sense commentary – “If Manning gets injured, the Broncos have nothing.” Unfortunately, common sense doesn’t make good headlines. In fact, it’s a lot more fun if you take what Robertson said – that if Manning gets injured, maybe Denver deserves to be screwed – and make it much more scandalous.

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A ferret in a cowboy hat is always relevant.

I have a ridiculous fascination with horrible things that people do to themselves in the name of sport. It’s a guilty pleasure, because it makes me feel better about myself that I don’t do ridiculous things like tie large objects to my testicles or try to bare-knuckle box a wild animal that is larger than me. And while I typically prefer to keep our discussions focused on more important topics like how attractive Kate Upton looked while hanging out with children at a rodeo, I just can’t ignore some of the incredibly stupid things that people do.

In this case, the sport in question is “Ferret Legging” and it involves grown men stuffing ferrets down their pants for the sake of endurance. During this time trial, the ferrets undoubtedly bite and scratch the man’s genitalia, but that’s the point of ferret legging – showing just how big and invincible your balls are. The sport apparently originated in England, but it’s also alive and well in the United States, as the people of Richmond, Virginia hold an annual ferret legging championship. Oh, and the world record is 5 hours and 33 minutes.

I checked out a bunch of sites to try to get a better idea of what it’s all about, and I was surprised that so many people were already fully aware of what ferret legging entails, and I was kind of embarrassed that I’d never heard of it before. But then I realized that Rick Reilly wrote a book with a whole chapter on ferret legging, so I’m relieved that I didn’t find out about it that way.

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When I was in college, I bought a 1987 Ford Bronco that was possibly the biggest death trap that I’ve ever driven. The suspension was shot to crap, but of course I didn’t bother getting it taken care of, because that costs money and so does booze – you do the math. One day I was driving down a four-lane road at about 45 mph and I nailed the curb and got up on two wheels for a pretty terrifying few seconds. And none of that pussy crap matters because over in India, they’re riding cars and motorcycles around something called the Well of Death.

Also known as the Mauth Ka Kuan, the Well of Death is a giant circular vertical wall – or well, if you’re unfamiliar with what that is – built from really crappy wood and metal that is apparently somehow strong enough for psychotic daredevils to drive on in circles at ridiculous speeds. I assume the high speeds are to keep them from falling to their deaths. But it might also be to avoid packs of stray dogs. Who knows?

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If you’re trying to pinpoint the exact moment that Mike Tyson went from raging psychopath meltdown monster to the current hilarious and generally affable guy that we all love, most people would probably say it was his cameo in The Hangover. But I think it goes back a little further to one of his first appearances on Jimmy Kimmel Live, when he sang “Monster Mash” with Bobby Brown. The Hangover probably made us all realize that he was finally laughing with us, but if it didn’t, then his 2009 interview with Oprah Winfrey at least made him a human to us again.

And that’s why his latest antics have been so fantastic and hilarious, even though we know he’s still batsh*t insane. Whether dancing with Wayne Brady to “Every Little Step I Take” or delivering the worst-yet-funniest Herman Cain impression or simply telling us how hard Sarah Palin should be, um, romanced, Mike Tyson should be more involved in every aspect of our lives. Thank God he’s back with an appearance on the Brazilian TV show, “Huck’s Cauldron,” this past weekend, as he sang “The Girl from Ipanema” with host Luciano Huck.

If this doesn’t make you smile, then you might just be the real monster.

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