The Melbourne Cup, for those unaware (and climb out of your hole already), is Australia’s biggest annual horse race, so it’s a lot like whatever those horse races that people pretend to like here in America. And much like the fancy pants Americans (and soiled frat boys) who attend those races, people in Australia like to get dressed up and hit the Melbourne Cup, because it is the place to be seen by the biggest names in elite Aussies, like Paul Hogan and Hugh Jackman, I assume.

This year’s big winner was Green Moon and rider Brett Prebble, as the 2012 Cup featured the event’s highest prize money amount yet at $6.2 million. But nobody really cares about that today, because all anyone can talk about is the babe in the blue dress and why she wanted to kick everyone’s ass. I’ve included two videos after the jump, but please be aware that kicking everyone’s ass denotes violence, and there is at least one underwear crotch shot.

What I mean is that these videos were made with us in mind.

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Back in 2010, I introduced us to Sheyla Hershey, a Brazilian woman in Houston living her dream of holding a world record for the largest breasts. In 2009, she had surgery to increase her 38FFF boobs to 38KKK in order to capture the record, and by 2010 she was informed by doctors that she was suffering from staph infections in both of her breasts and she needed to either have breast reduction surgery or she would eventually lose both of her breasts. Oh, and she might have died, too. I feel like that’s important.

Hershey had the surgery and surrendered her title, but then last year she told the Grim Reaper to motorboat her, because she once again enhanced her breasts back to 38KKK to reclaim her world record. And then she allegedly tried to kill herself two times. Thankfully, a very respectable party has stepped in to put a stop to this nonsense.

Just kidding, TLC is feeding the monster now. Hershey will soon be featured on the ridiculous show, My Strange Addiction, and I’m sure it will only be a matter of time before she gets her own travel show called Hershey Highway.

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Hey, I know Tara hasn’t done anything worth mentioning since 2003. But to be fair, neither have the Raiders. The only difference is that one of them still occasionally makes it onto television, as long as they’re not blacked out. Actually, I was talking about the Raiders.

It won’t be the only NFL game blacked out in California on Sunday, as the San Diego Chargers’ game against the Jacksonville Jaguars also failed to sell out.

Since moving to Oakland in 1995, the Raiders have had 76 of their 120 home games blacked out. –via USA Today.

For those unfamiliar, the gist is that if a team can’t sell out its game within 72 hours of kickoff, the NFL pulls it off TV in that market. The rub is that both the Raiders and the Chargers had the option of buying up their remaining tickets at a league-approved price of 37 cents on the dollar to beat the ban, and chose not to do so. Even the managements don’t want people to see those games. I guess that if all the stabbings and beatings in the stadium continue, the Raiders will have eventually killed off their entire fanbase. Yay Darwinism!

*ten cents to @Brandon_ROTU for the headline.

As you may have heard, University of Georgia Athletic Director Damon Evans was arrested and charged with DUI last Wednesday. A DUI is a pretty douche move in and of itself, but Damon will go down in the douche hall of fame for what he said while being pulled over.

“I am not trying to bribe you but I am the athletic director of the University of Georgia,” Evans said. –USAToday

He wasn’t hoping to bribe them. Jones was hoping that he wouldn’t need to because he’s the athletic director of Georgia. As such, he’s immune from all of the “laws” and “rules of civilization” that we common people have to follow. He would never stoop as low as someone like Charles Barkley he has far too much respect for his wife. Read the rest of this entry »

Jenny Riding, a female jockey in Scotland with a helluva porn name, attacked a soldier in a bar after a war of words escalated to him swearing at her and calling her a smackhead.  Riding, 24, hit Stewart McEwan three times in the face with a pint glass, giving him a gash that required six stitches.

Mr McEwan had gone outside the pub and Riding shouted at him and told him he was a "dead man". He had gone back inside but when he went out for a cigarette later she had started shouting and insulting him again.

"Mr McEwan swore back at her and shouted at her she was a smackhead," said [the prosector]. "The accused had a glass in her hand which was either a tall spirit glass or a pint glass and she hit Mr McEwan on the face with the glass. He recoiled back and she struck him a further two times to the left hand side of the face."

Wow, McEwan must be the pride of the Scottish army.  Real William Wallace kinda guy.  Maybe I'm stereotyping here, but considering jockeys usually weigh about 75 pounds, I think a professional warrior should be able to take a jockey in a bar fight.  Especially a chick jockey.  I'd rather tell my friends I got beat up by a dwarf or a 12-year-old or a pack of butterflies.

[FanIQ]