I haven’t seen an episode of “America’s Next Top Model” in years, and I’ve never heard of Grand View College before, but hey guess what?!?  A former contestant on “America’s Next Top Model” now plays volleyball for Grand View College!

[Jaeda] Young has gone from supermodel to role model, though. The middle hitter from Parkersburg now wears a jersey instead of designer dresses. She spends her days attending classes at Grand View’s campus in northeast Des Moines, not planning for a Vogue or Cosmopolitan photo shoot.

Whoa.  No way.  Are you telling me that some of the girls who don’t win ANTM DON’T overcome those unfair judges to become successful models?  I have a hard time believing that someone as successful as a reality show contestant would end up at a small college in Iowa.

(thanks to Tim was Tim for the story; video of Jaeda after the jump)

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Erek Brown had his ear bitten off by a dog, then had it reattached over the course of three surgeries. After the first surgery, doctors recommended against physical activity, because it could lead to the permanent loss of his ear. But his mom forced him to play because he’s the star player. And also because she’s a bitch.

Of course, this is all according to “Family Court With Judge Penny,” so take that for what it’s worth. And what it’s worth is ratings GOLD. I love me my sassy judges. If someone I call “your honor” doesn’t wave her finger at people and sexually harass the bailiff, I’m sorry, I’m not interested.

[Mouthpiece Sports]

As announced everywhere yesterday, Michael Phelps will be cashing in on his Olympic glory with a gig as the host of this season’s premiere of Saturday Night Live, with additional appearances at the MTV Video Music Awards and on Entourage (guh).  In other words, I’m not going to see Phelps on TV any time soon.

There’s not much else to say here, except that I’m amazed SNL hasn’t been destroyed by DVR and the Internet yet.  That show is 90 minutes of TV on Saturday night that takes 12 minutes to watch on Sunday afternoon.  You can fast-forward through the 45 minutes or so of commercials, and all you really need to see is the monologue, the first 30 seconds of every sketch to see how unfunny it’s going to be, and Weekend Update.

Or you can save even more time and just watch the two culturally relevant skits they do each season on the Internet when you get to work on Monday morning. God knows I’m not giving up my Saturday night for Michael Phelps.  Not unless he brings me flowers and pays for dinner.

ABC will subject us to yet another season of "Dancing with the Stars," and as usual there are several athletes in the lineup of contestants.  Former NFL star/current lardass Warren Sapp will join Olympic gold medalists Maurice Green and Misty May-Treanor on ballroom dancing's most televised stage. 

A record 13 dancers will compete on the show. Included are the program's youngest dancer ever — 18-year-old Cody Linley of the popular Disney Channel show "Hannah Montana" — and its oldest, 82-year-old actress Cloris Leachman.

Others contestants include singers Lance Bass and Toni Braxton, Emmy-winning soap actress Susan Lucci, reality-show participant Kim Kardashian, television actor Ted McGinley, chef Rocco DiSpirito, television personality/model Brooke Burke and stand-up comedian Jeffrey Ross.

Wow, that's impressive.  Some of these people I've actually heard of before.  We're talking D-List, even C-list celebrities.  Why, in another three or four seasons, there might even be genuine stars on this show.

Kristin Cavallari, whose name I almost always write "calamari," was the focal of a show called Laguna Beach, which I was certain was the stupidest fucking thing ever put on television.  I even said to myself, "Self, there's no possible way MTV can make a stupider, more pointless show than this."  Then MTV made The Hills.  Touché, MTV.  Well played.

Kristin showed up at the Irie Weekend Celebrity Golf Tournament in Miami this past weekend.  Other "celebrities" in attendance included Kevin Federline, Nick Cannon, Danny Masterson (more like ASSterson!  Yeah!), and Brody Jenner.  And if you know who all those people are, you know that it's really too bad Miami wasn't consumed by fire and swallowed into the ocean this weekend.  I know it's a fun city to party in and all that, but I think we can agree that it would have been worth it.

Anyway, Kristin's looking pretty good for a stereotypical attractive blonde girl.  You can tell she's a serious golfer because she's wearing her nicest pair of wedges.  Hey, maybe they're her SAND WEDGES!  (…no?  All right, I'll show myself out.)

[Banned in Hollywood] 

Today Page Six claims that Roger Clemens is selling his belongings in order to help pay for all his legal bills.  Of course, it's Page Six, and Clemens made $20 million a year for his last several years in the bigs, so it's probably not true, but that doesn't mean we can't still WANT it to be true.

The former Yankee ace, now awaiting word from Congress on his steroid scandal, has sold his Bentley to "Rock of Love" star Bret Michaels. "Bret is a big fan of Roger's and the car is fabulous," said an insider. "Clemens is apparently selling his lavish goods to pay his legal fees." Michaels was overheard gushing about his new ride Friday at the House of Blues in Atlantic City.

And if anyone has shown America what impeccable taste he has, it's Bret Michaels.  I'm guessing Atlantic City was one of the casting stops for Rock of Love III.  It's one of the few places in America you can find women trashy and desperate enough for that show.  Other casting locales include the Florida panhandle, California's Inland Empire, and your mom's house.