The Dallas Cowboys organization has become an increasingly ridiculous shitshow over recent weeks and months (and, uh, years).  The season began with the team seemingly more concerned with the cameras than practicing during Hard Knocks on HBO, and ended with people showing up whenever they feel like it and players not respecting coaches and the general back-stabbing and bitchiness you don’t see outside of sororities.

So, obviously, what the Cowboys need is… another reality show!  Hosted by Michael Irvin!

The show… will feature twelve amateurs who will move to Dallas and compete against one another to earn a shot at a spot in Dallas Cowboys training camp next summer and potentially a spot on the team. [...]

The twelve contestants, including six wide receivers and six defensive backs, will be broken into two teams, overseen by notable former Cowboys coaches and players. Guest judges will appear along the way including other former players, coaches, media personalities and Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones.

Naturally, Irvin will need a catchphrase when he dismisses contestants.  The early favorite is, “I’m sorry, but I have to cut you.”  Then he breaks out his scissors and STABS THE GUY IN THE NECK!!!  Ratings GOLD baby!

You know what would be totally unnecessary and barely watchable? A TV show that rips off Bravo’s atrocious “Real Housewives” series — with NASCAR wives!  What’s that?  It’s gonna be on TLC?  Hooray.

The first episode airing this month includes Kelley Earnhardt Elledge, sister of Dale Earnhardt Jr. and his main business adviser; DeLana Harvick, married to driver Kevin Harvick; and Shana Mayfield, wife of driver Jeremy Mayfield…

Networks love this kind of “reality television” because costs are low compared with traditional series – and because viewers seem to have an insatiable appetite to watch other people engage in stunts along the lines of shopping, stammering, sighing and furiously abusing cell phones.

Wow, how do the networks always know exactly what I want?  “This show was okay, but I’d like to see more crazy stunts.  Stunts like shopping, and sighing.  Oh definitely more sighing.  I’m powerless NOT to watch!”

(Via From the Marbles. Pictured: Jeff Gordon’s wife Ingrid Vandebosch)

A former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader partnered with her brother to win CBS’s “The Amazing Race,” winning $1 million for their efforts.  Starr Spangler — definitely a comic book (or porn star) name — and her brother Jeff, an Off-Broadway star, struck the right balance with each other over the course of 40,000 miles to win the reality show that no one watches.

From the show’s bio/profile:

Nick claims that the biggest difference between them is that Starr can be a bit reckless – she leaps into a situation without thinking about the repercussions… Starr claims that she is simply more spontaneous and figures everything will work out in the end.

All right!  I love free spirits like Starr.  They’re more likely to accept drinks that were left unattended.

[Story via Pro Cheerleader Blog; pictures from Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders via Celebridiot]

Alicia Sacramone, the American gymnast noted for her good looks, legal age, and massive Olympic chokejobs, is looking to parlay her fame into a TV career.

The 21-year-old Winchester homegal was back in town this week shooting a “video treatment” – a sort of test reel – for Bravo, A & E, Style and MTV…

The production company was “very intrigued by Alicia during the Olympics and thought she’d be great on TV,” said the silver medalist’s marketing gal, Kelly Downing of TrinityOne Worldwide. [read: she has nice boobs -- Ed.]

Sacramone has focused her reality show ideas on teen makeovers and working in fashion design.  Somehow I don’t think I’m in the target demographic.  She’s sexy and all, but I’d really rather she do a show where she just punches guys in the face.

Keyshawn Johnson, a watered-down version of Michael Irvin in every possible way, will be expanding his career beyond “analyzing” the NFL for ESPN when he stars in a newly greenlit reality show for A&E about his new career as… an interior design?  Whoa, I gotta ease up on the peyote.

Johnson may be known best for his play on the field, but now he’s putting a completely different set of skills to the test in “Keyshawn Johnson: Tackling Design.” Furniture, fabric and finishings used to be just a hobby, but with his football days behind him Johnson’s wide-receiving now has more to do with fitting furniture through the front door of a house. Will clients take this former pro-athlete seriously as an interior designer?

Let me take a stab at that one.  No.  No, they won’t.  His only business will be family members, people looking to get on television, and family members looking to get on television.  This is a truly, epically, horrifically terrible idea.  It’s not a reality show, it’s a shitty Disney comedy starring The Rock.

[Awful Announcing]

Charles Barkley is still serious about running for governor, as he told ESPN back in 2006. Barkley, or The Only Reason To Watch The NBA On TNT, as I refer to him in idle conversation at formal dinners, sat down with CNN‘s Campbell Brown to talk politics. And since I can’t really joke about that without pissing off half the readership…Campbell Brown’s a whore!

Brown: So are you going to run for governor?

Barkley: I plan on it in 2014.

Brown: You are serious.

Barkley: I am, I can’t screw up Alabama.

Brown: There is no place to go but up in your view?

Barkley: We are number 48 in everything and Arkansas and Mississippi aren’t going anywhere.

Brown: And the top priority for you would be education?

Barkley: All the way education, the public school system in this country is the worst it has ever been and what that does is that hurts crime, it hurts the judicial system. You know if you don’t give people education and hope, they become criminals. They get involved in drugs. So we have got to fix the public school system.

Great. Now I’m gonna have to start buying cocaine from adults.