If you’re a regular reader of our Sports On TV column, it’d be possible to mistake me as a guy with great taste in television. I like to throw the “best show ever” tag around for ‘The Wire’ or season 2-8 of ‘The Simpsons’, giving me that learned balance necessary to be a true, objective authority on what people should watch.

Yeah, no. When I was 7, my favorite show was ‘ALF’. If you’re not familiar with ‘ALF’, it’s about an alien who lands on Earth in puppet form, lives in the laundry room of a suburban family and cracks wise with them so much you start wondering why they don’t just throw him in a garbage bag and drop him off on the front steps of the FBI. Oh, and he wouldn’t stop trying to eat their housecat.

Anyway, ALF’s home planet was a place called Melmac, and Melmac had its share of unique sports, including ‘Bouillaball’. I’ll let the surprisingly-in-existence ALF Wiki fill you in on the details.

Bouillabaseball was a sport played on Melmac which resembled baseball, but instead of throwing a ball, fish parts were thrown.

Bouillabaseball fans often collected trading cards, which were sold in a package with a stick of gum. The gum came in one of two flavors: Tabby or Persian.

At the height of ALF’s popularity, Topps put out two (two!) sets of bouillabaseball cards. I HAD THEM ALL. Now, thanks to the Internet (and the aforementioned ALF Wiki), you can have them, too. They’re a mix of the Garbage Pail Kids and stock photos of ALF. I don’t know. Here’s a gallery of every bouillabaseball card I could find, and I urge you to flip through and try to find every inappropriate joke or image you can. I’m pretty sure at least one of these players is supposed to be ejaculating.

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Do you like viral videos, especially ones about baby kittens named ‘Little Noodles’ palling around with guinea pigs? Would you like them more if you saw them on television instead of the Internet? Would you like them even more if someone cut to footage of Shaq laughing after it? You’re in luck, on all three counts, oddly!

Shaq is getting his own viral videos show on truTV called ‘Shaq.0′ Web Junk 32 Shaq Vs. Dramatic Chipmunk ‘Upload with Shaquille O’Neal’.

“Shaquille O’Neal has such a great personality, and he really has a lot of fun with the format and the material in this new truTV series,” said Marc Juris, executive vice president and chief operating officer of truTV. “We’re really excited to be working with Shaq and the outstanding production team.”

“I’ve been a fan of truTV for a long time and I look forward to working with my good friends Gary Owen and Godfrey. I’ve always tried to entertain people and I know this show will deliver big laughs,” said Shaquille O’Neal.

Godfrey! Thank goodness we’ve got somebody involved with experience going “heh, gayyyy” after clips of old things to reign in Shaq’s sense of humor. Anyway, does this sound like a show you’d want to watch, or another show starring Shaq? Let us know in the comments section. Also let us know what you’d call a Shaq viral videos show, because ‘Upload with Shaquille O’Neal’ is pretty boring.

My pick: ‘I Love Watching Shaq Remember Glo Worm’.

[h/t That NBA Lottery Pick]

Yep, that’s Frank Thomas shooting the puck at a Chicago Blackhawks game and not immediately collapsing in agony. Retirement must be going well for him. Maybe he got a pair of robot legs installed. (via Rant Sports)

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Your Mid-Week Guide To DVD And Streaming: Mark Wahlberg Undercover, Jake Busey vs. Underground Nazis |Film Drunk|

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Charlie Kaufman is adapting a young-adult novel |Film Drunk|

The Best Of The 2012 Drake University Beautiful Bulldog Contest |With Leather|

5 Of the Most Awesome Train Wrecks Hitting Theaters This Summer |Gamma Squad|

Bubble Watch: Which Of Your Favorite Shows Will Be Sh–canned? |Warming Glow|

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Since his pride and joy Entourage aired its series finale, Doug Ellin has been working to get a few new series picked up, with Da Brick being the most relevant to what we do around these here pages. The series, produced by Spike Lee, would be based on Mike Tyson’s younger years with an emphasis on a young black man trying to find his place in white America.

Alas, that story will have to be told by another network, because HBO has passed. I assume they’re instead moving forward with the Tommy Gunn-inspired series, Hey, Pee in This Cup for Me.

Da Brick was to have starred Attack the Block’s John Boyega as Donnie, who after his release from juvenlie detention on his 18th birthday begins an exploration of what it means to be a man for himself and those around him.

Former boxing heavyweight champion Mike Tyson, Entourage creator Ellin and his producing partnerJim Lefkowitz were attached as nonwriting executive producers, along with Tyson’s wife,Lakiha Tyson. Azim Spicer was attached as a nonwriting co-executive producer. Lee would have directed the pilot with L.A. Riots’ John Ridley on board to write and serve as showrunner. (The Hollywood Reporter)

I’m sure this show had the potential to be intelligent, well-written and mostly thought-provoking, but that ain’t the Mike Tyson that I, or mostly anyone else, want to see. In fact, if you’re going to have a show involving Tyson, I want it to be a debate-style talk show with a hot girl in a cage yelling random topics for Tyson to argue about with his panel of guests, including Jose Canseco, Randy Quaid and Janice Dickinson. That’s instant Emmy material right there.

From the orange goblin in bright yellow underwear that pioneered Hulk Hogan’s Pastamania, Hulk Hogan And The Wrestling Boot Band and Hulk Hogan Meat Shoes (not a real thing) comes a fantastic idea sure to thrill and entertain all of 2011′s rational, free-thinking adults: a midget pro wrestling reality show. This isn’t an “idea” as much as an actual show that is already scheduled to exist.

Here’s your introduction via a press release from truTV, a channel that used to be about court and is now just the same bullsh** from every other channel:

The following is a rundown of truTV’s new and returning series for 2011:

Hulk Hogan’s MCW – New series premieres Wednesday, Sept. 14, at 10 p.m. (ET/PT)
Hulk Hogan, one of the legendary stars of pro wrestling, believes you need to start small if you want to win big. Now he’s lending his expertise to the new Micro Championship Wrestling, where he gives little wrestlers advice on recruiting, training and mentoring. It’s all with the goal of getting the MCW off the ground and into the arena. Hulk Hogan’s MCW comes to truTV from Bischoff-Hervey Entertainment.

At no point did somebody point out that having a 60 year old man organize a show where differently-abled people pretend to fight is a bad idea. Nobody ever pointed out that suspension of disbelief is the only thing that makes wrestling work, and when you make a reality show about people pretending to fight it fundamentally destroys that. The worst part is that nobody during the planning, preproduction or production stages of this show pointed out that Hogan is currently in charge of an ACTUAL pro wrestling program on SpikeTV overflowing with legitimate, able-bodied and sometimes legendary pro wrestlers that has never been popular, successful or made a goddamned lick of sense.

I guess it makes sense in context, considering that the other two shows announced in the press release are a New Jersey repo reality show and something called “Impractical Jokers” about improv comedians doing “crazy social experiments”. They also picked up “Wipeout” and are bringing back “Full Throttle Saloon” for its third season. So, there you go.

Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian have been married for nearly a year now, and thankfully, they haven’t gotten on my nerves during that time. So much for that, because the two have had their pitch for a reality TV show heard, and by God, their prayers have been answered. In a completely unrelated story, the underemployment rate is sky high.

The show will chronicle shock-jock Khloe’s quest to get pregnant by her multi-million-dollar Laker husband, in addition to other gripping storylines — like furnishing her McMansion — according to reports.

E! would not confirm plans for a series. However, the network is home to all of the Kardashians’ other ventures including “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” “Khloe and Kourtney Take Miami,” and the show sister Kim produces, “The Spin Crowd.” –NYPost via –USAToday

I have so many problems with those two paragraphs, but most particularly with the use of the word gripping. Why? Because gripping implies that my eyes will be gripped to the screen, unable to turn away from Khloe waddling around her mega house bitching about the feng shui of her dog’s bathroom. I’m not saying that I watch a lot of E!, but there’s no way in hell this show can even touch Pretty Wild. I think I could have fun with those girls (link NSFW). Lamar Odom’s on TV all the time. Vernon Davis on TV is something to watch. If there’s not footy, it’s fiction, so video evidence is after the jump. (Possibly NSFW) Read the rest of this entry »