And now for something completely different.

When you’re a mixed-martial arts fighter, “having a heart attack after a dead cow fell on you in a slaughterhouse” can’t be high on your list of expected ways to die, but here we are. By way of an hilariously-insensitive report from Mirror UK comes the story of the tragic death of Scottish amateur MMA fighter Ally McCrae, a wrestler, Thai boxer and blue belt in Brazilian jiu-jitsu who happened to work in an abattoir.

Ally McCrae, 23, was trapped when the carcass fell off a hook and he suffered head injuries which triggered a heart attack.

The super-fit amateur cage fighter was rushed to hospital but surgeons were unable to save his life.

His trainer John Nicolson said yesterday: “Ally was such a joker and when I heard the bizarre circumstances, I thought he might be playing a joke.”

And can you blame him? That doesn’t really sound like news the human brain is ready to accept. Also, I love how Mirror UK notes that he was “super-fit”, as if his chiseled abdominals were going to protect him from the freefall a 600-pound cow.

You can find out more about the story at Mirror, or you can check out this hilariously-insensitive report from Fightlinker that forgets this guy was a human being and breaks down the cow-to-body collision like a fight. I know this is a terrible situation, but the better part of my heart tells me that if I died being flattened by a projectile slaughterhouse cow I’d want the people who found out to have a laugh. Because seriously, holy sh*t.

[h/t Vince at FilmDrunk]

Everything is coming up Germany as the newest Miss Germany was crowned, and while this has nothing to do with actual sports, it does involve competition, those crazy krauts in Germany, and a cow pageant. That’s right, Miss Germany is a cow, and not in the sense of “Hey bro, did you see the cow that D-Bone came home with the other night?” She’s a big old bovine beauty, and last week Krista the cow not only one this year’s title, but she also became a back-to-back champion.

To get her in top form for the competition, Krista’s owner sent her to a special training camp, where she was washed and brushed daily, in addition to being acclimated to the noise and stress that are part of each pageant. But it wasn’t exactly a supermodel-style weight-loss program. The cow from the town of Grossenkneten in Lower Saxony was actually encouraged to beef up with hay to achieve a round belly and firm, buxom udder.

For the owners, the beauty pageant is just for fun. But there is some pride that comes with helping a contestant make it to the top. Krista’s breeder, Jörg Seeger, was photographed giving the cow a happy kiss after her big win. (Spiegel Online)

Well of course he kissed her after he witnessed that firm, buxom udder. I’m getting so hot just thinking about it right now. But I’ll be honest, this all seems a bit tame for Germany, and I look forward to finding out that Krista is now a techno music superstar with a goat bondage porn addiction.

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Noted Washington Redskins H-Back and burgeoning internet “personality” Chris Cooley was driving around in Wyoming last week(because this is what Chris Cooley does. He doesn’t knock up recently acquainted women or handle firearms or even play Madden all day. Nope. Dude is in a truck driving around one of those square states on the map). He then encountered one of the three possible things one could encounter in Wyoming: a dead cow. The other two things, for the record, are living cows and extreme boredom. From Cooley’s blog, via Shutdown Corner:

We were cruising around on our new land in Wyoming the other day and we found an old dead cow. So we decided that we would get rid of it by setting it on fire. Needless to say, it was a success.

I hope it was a success. How exactly does one screw up setting fire to a cow? Is there a class involved? I’m sure it’s a major at Ohio State, but what criteria does one use in rating bovine intervention. I guess this is why I’ll never play in the NFL. That and my flagrant alcoholism.