Late last week, USA Today reported that the Dallas Cowboys would be opening a Cowboys-themed Victoria’s Secret at Cowboys Stadium. They didn’t explicitly say that it was to balance out Cowboys.com being lost at auction and turned into a gay country-and-western dating site, but we all know what’s going on here.

My experience at Cowboys Stadium has been limited to “pay 60 dollars to park at the Ballpark In Arlington and wedge myself into a monolithic spaceship full of drunk people who are expecting to be upset,” so being able to see sports-themed underpants as I wander by looking for a kiosk that sells fruit without beef juice injected into it will be a nice change of pace.

The Cowboys will have a ceremonial ribbon-cutting event that will take place a few hours before Monday’s kickoff.

And of course the benefit of an underwear store event: models.

Victoria’s Secret models Elsa Hosk and Jessica Hart will be in attendance, along with Jones’ daughter, the Cowboys’ executive VP for brand management.

That happened, and now thanks to contributions from the (cough) official Dallas Cowboys website and Fox Sports Southwest, we can take a look at them. It. The store. Whatever.

Please enjoy the photos. Oh, and if anybody from the Houston Texas is reading this, shoot me an e-mail. I’ve got a great idea for a Matt Schaub-themed Bath & Body Works.

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What you need to know:

Golf cart mows down everyone in sight after a high school football game in Cowboys Stadium on December 17, 2011

What to look out for:

- A golf cart coming to life and trying to murder you a la Maximum Overdrive.

- 0:17-0:22 – A guy getting knocked ass over head and losing both of his shoes in the process.

- 0:20-0:26 – A guy getting knocked onto the cart, but being able to do nothing but helplessly touch the wheel for a few seconds before bailing out and rolling like the cart is about to explode or go sailing off the edge of a cliff.

- 0:19-0:29 – The only person in Texas fast enough and possessing enough mental prowess under pressure to sprint after a golf cart, climb into it and put his foot on the brake.

- 0:32-1:29 – Representatives of Texas high school football selling being bumped by a golf cart like they’ve been shot by a sniper.

- 0:00-0:16 – Is Trey Williams a real person, because he looks like a created guy in Madden.

[via Buzzfeed]

Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, Texas, has two notable features — a facade that looks like it could start independently spinning and become the Event Horizon at any moment, and an enormous, punt-blocking, mid-field scoreboard that takes up most of the stadium’s free space and threatens to fall and crush us all. Jerry Jones famously refused to move the thing when footballs started striking it. I wonder what he thinks now that soccer players are clipping it?

Enter: FC Barcelona goalkeeper Victor Valdes, incorrectly typo’d on Off The Bench as “Victory Valdez”, making him sound like he’s a character from Cars. During warmups for a match in the Herbalife World Football Challenge, Valdez decided to see if he could boot the ball 90 feet into the air and bang it off the scoreboard. The video above is that effort, and it is impressive. I was wondering what all those soccer jerseys were doing at the Texas Rangers game next door. Kinda wish I’d been around to see this in person.

Maybe the Dallas Stars can play next year’s Winter Classic here and try to ricochet a puck off the screen.

[h/t Off The Bench]

If you’re heading to the Super Bowl in Arlington in two weeks, I bid you good luck in finding parking on the cheap. Spaces surrounding and near the North Texas stadium are being marked up as much as 400 percent, as noted by Kathy Vetter of the Ft. Worth Star-Telegram.

Wow, just checked the off-site parking available for Super Bowl XLV. The two lots closest to Cowboys Stadium are now charging $990 per spot. That’s almost double what they were asking a couple of weeks ago. A thousand dollars to park? I guess if that’s what people will pay. But it sure seems steep to me.

Now, let’s be fair; this isn’t all Jerry Jones’s doing, if at all. Most of these spots are managed by private firms that are looking to capitalize on what they have, for what happens to be the biggest one-day sporting event on Earth. Obviously, other spaces farther away are a bit more affordable. A bit…

Dozens of Arlington businesses, offices and churches around the entertainment district are taking reservations online for their parking spaces, which are being advertised on websites like ParkWhiz.com from $49.50 to $577.50, depending on how close they are to the stadium.[..]

Parking spaces controlled by the NFL, which go for $71.40 online, are primarily at Six Flags Over Texas, about a mile east of the stadium, and come with free shuttle service.

Fortunately, I found a good deal for Super Sunday parking. Parking my ass, that is. It’s a space right on my couch, and it’s zero dollars. Oh, but I guess I’ll miss all the atmosphere and stuff. Right, right.