Faith No More

Written by Brandon Stroud / 04.16.13

Faith Hill Sunday Night NFL

I don’t know if you’ll be able to handle this news, but country singer Faith Hill will be leaving her job of “waiting all day for Sunday night” in the Sunday Night Football intro after 8 years of service. It’s okay if you “cry a little.”

In lieu of a gallery of leggy sports women, here is our brief statement of sadness.

Hill used the same writing talent that crafted the lyric, “if I could grant you one wish/I’d wish you could see the way you kiss,” to express her sadness and gratitude via Facebook:

Amazing 2 have been part of SNF – an honor. I’ve just let everyone there know it’s time 2 let someone else rock the open. Difficult decision. Kinda emotional. Love all u guys at SNF – I’ll b watching!!!

Welcome to Obama’s America, I guess. What’s next, Cleatus the Football Robot leaving FOX Sports to pursue his dream of being a baseball robot? Come on.

Never forget:

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Read This Headline Carefully: The Dallas Stars Ice Girls Went Motorboating

Written by Brandon Stroud / 10.19.12

Dallas Stars Ice Girls The NHL lockout is dragging on, and everyone is feeling the crunch. The Florida Panthers laid off Stanley C. Panther, players are heading overseas to find work and the poor Ice Girls are … well, actually, the Ice Girls are totally fine. Forget I mentioned them.

By way of Jimmy Traina and the Thursday edition of Hot Clicks comes this clip of the Dallas Stars Ice Girls saying nuts to ‘Gangnam Style’ and ‘Call Me Maybe’ parodies in favor of emulating Little Big Town’s country hit ‘Pontoon,’ which mostly requires them to hang out on the ocean and play on slides. It’s a good decision, especially for anyone watching, but they should probably let that redhead go in before she burns.

This video is more or less the opposite of any time Danica Patrick decides she’s a country star.

Random question, though … is anyone else like me? I’m not a huge fan of cheerleaders, but I LOVE Ice Girls. At the same time, I like Ice Girls less when they’re wearing bikinis or whatever than I do when they’re on the ice. I can’t figure out why, but I’ve narrowed it down to “hockey is happening around them” and “yoga pants”.

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Danica Patrick Stars As A Sexy Car Thief, Because Of Course She Does

Written by Brandon Stroud / 08.01.12

Danica Patrick Miranda Lambert Fastest Girl In Town

In country star Miranda Lambert’s video for ‘Fastest Girl In Town’, Miranda stars as a sexy local who may or may not know how to properly smoke a cigarette who uses her feminine wiles to lure unsuspecting billiards hunks away and steal their cars. Her accomplice? NASCAR’s own Danica Patrick, who manages to get into a car and drive it for almost two minutes without crashing into something.

Country music videos love to tether themselves as closely as possible to other, classically “redneck” endeavors (see also, Montgomery Gentry and TNA Wrestling’s ‘Cowboy’ James Storm in ‘Longnecks and Rednecks’), and this one hits all the great Southern marks: facial tattoos, dive bars with Christmas light decorations and cops who have no idea what they’re doing. All they need is 15 churches in the background and they’ve nailed my hometown.

Anyway, here’s Danica using tight pants and Wonder Woman gauntlets (?) to steal a car:

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Zooey Deschanel Will Put A Scarf And Skinny Jeans On The World Series

Written by Ashley Burns / 10.20.11

The World Series got off to the best start imaginable for everyone on Earth last night, as the St. Louis Cardinals defeated the Texas Rangers 3-2 with absolutely zero controversy at all. Nope, Adrian Beltre just needs some bigger feet, that’s all. And the world rejoiced over the awesomeness of the Cardinals winning Game 1, as well as Tim McCarver slipping further into dementia, MLB doing the right thing by letting Dirk Nowitzki throw out a first pitch, and a bunch of hippies really showing the corporate World Series what’s up.

But none of that matters now, because Fox has made sure that its love of synergy will melt our hearts.

Zooey Deschanel has double duty on Fox: The star of the new series “New Girl” also is performing at the World Series.

Deschanel is from the indie pop duo She & Him. She’ll sing the national anthem at Game 4 of the Major League Baseball seven-game series between the St. Louis Cardinals and the Texas Rangers. It airs Sunday on Fox.

(Via WHDH Boston)

This is great news for two reasons. First, for some unknown, godless reason, MLB has Trace Adkins and Ronnie Dunn singing the National Anthem for games 2 and 3, respectively, and that’s just way too much country music for anyone’s taste. Especially Adkins. I’d love to meet the Mad Libs copy editor who wrote his cookie cutter hits like “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk” and “Hot Mama” so I can smack him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

The good news is that our beloved Zooey isn’t just some darling hipster eye candy. She really can sing, and she already has a little baseball experience. After the jump, some of her performances, as well as a delightfully gratuitous gallery of our favorite Deschanel sister.

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The Worst Country Song Ever Written

Written by Ashley Burns / 07.21.10

McCoy Wedding

Colt McCoy married his longtime girlfriend Rachel Glandorf over the weekend, and the couple was surprised with a personalized serenade by McCoy’s Texas Longhorns teammate Jordan Shipley and country music nobody singer Aaron Watson. The song, entitled “When I Grow Up, I Want to be Like Colt McCoy,” drew laughs with each line as Watson and Shipley shared the twangy crooning duties, but the biggest reaction wasn’t over a line about McCoy or his Baylor track star wife. Nope, the crowd went nuts to a reference to former Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow.

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