Tomorrow marks the beginning of the 103rd annual Drake Relays at Drake University, at which more than 8,000 athletes and spectators will gather to participate in the record 120 events at this year’s competition. The Relays began in 1910 with 100 people both competing and cheering each other on. Now, the event is widely regarded at Iowa’s premier sporting event. Better luck next year, competitive corn shuckers.

But more importantly than any heptathlon, decathlon, or dodecahedronathon was the Drake Relays preliminary event that took place yesterday as the official launch to the week – the 33rd annual Drake Relays Beautiful Bulldog Contest. Fifty bulldogs showed up for this year’s poochstravaganza, and a bulldog named Tyson (above) was the ultimate good widdle boy. Joining Tyson’s court were:

Runner-up – Charlie
Oldest bulldog – Max, 10-year-old
Best Dressed – Flethcher, dressed as Jethro’s BBQ’s famous “Emmenecker” sandwich
Mr. Congeniality – Vinny
Miss Congeniality — Heartstopping Ittybitty
Farthest from the Doghouse – Pork Chop, from Cambridge, Minnesota

(Via the Des Moines Register)

I’ve definitely added the Drake Relays to my sports bucket list, but not because I want to go see a few thousand people try to be the best at exercising – although finding the next Allison Stokke should be any sports blogger’s greatest ambition. I just want to spend a whole day judging bulldogs for their costumes. Seriously, costumed bulldogs are the key to world peace, just look at the pictures after the jump and tell me you feel like doing anything other than rubbing a tummy or 50.

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What you’re looking at, by way of @KateUpton, is America’s Best Girl dressed as a zombie version of Marilyn Monroe for Heidi Klum’s Halloween party. I guess a better description might be “Marilyn Monroe during filming of The Seven Year Itch if the subway breeze blew her into the street where she fractured her arms and exposed the bones instead of just blowing up her skirt”, or, as Sportress Of Blogitude suggests, “Partially Decomposed (But Not In A Grotesque Way Which Would Cause Me To Appear Not Totally Hot) Marilyn Monroe”.

Regardless, this is one of Kate’s two mostly-effortless costumes for the season. The other, a bottle of Tabasco Sauce with a simultaneously cute and sexual Nutrition Facts label, can be seen along with more of Dead Marilyn (too soon) after the jump. What, you think I’m going to put up pictures of Kate Upton and not make you click through them? You don’t know anything about blogging. Keep your hands where I can see them.

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Paul Bissonnette of the Phoenix Coyotes jumped on Twitter to post pictures from the team’s Halloween party, and I really do wish I could say “Paul Bissonnette as Hacksaw Jim Duggan” was the news to share, even if he thinks Hacksaw said “OOOH” instead of the proper “HOOO”. No, what you see above is winger Raffi Torres as “Jay-Z”, complete with brown skin, and his wife, who I guess thinks a ton of self-tanner and a sparkly dress constitutes Beyonce.

Bissonnette was quick to defend his teammate thinking this was a good idea:

“As far as everyone trying to call ‘Racism’ because Raffi dressed up like Jay-Z can simmer down. He’s a huge Jay-Z fan.”

And that leads us to the next few sentences, which you (and I’m talking to Raffi Torres directly, here) should read carefully and commit to memory:

I get it. You aren’t a racist. You like black people. You wanted to be a black guy you like for Halloween, and that guy has brown skin, so you made your skin brown. When someone like you dons an “innocent blackface”, much like Spanky did that time he put shoe polish on his face to escape the house dressed as Buckwheat, it causes rambling, point-and-counterpoint discussion about the history of prejudice and the widespread ignorance of entitlement on every sports blog and news show known to man. Here’s the quick version … it doesn’t matter whether or not you’re trying to be racist. Wearing blackface, especially in 2011, especially when you’re a sports celebrity and especially when people are taking pictures of you to put on the Internet, makes you the dumbest motherf**ker alive.

You’re stupid. You’re a dumb, stupid idiot. Don’t do this. Just don’t. That’s the end of the discussion. It’s a bad idea, regardless of what percentage non-white you happen to be or how many black people you talk to on Facebook. Your thought process should be “I should dress up as Jay-Z for Halloween … haha too bad I’m not a black guy” and then you dress up as Peanut Butter Jelly Time or the Black Swan or whateveer.

“Jay-Z” isn’t even a good costume for a black guy, it’s just “black guy in Yankees hat and sunglasses”. Jay’s wearing a Biggie Smalls costume anyway.

This is Destiny (a.k.a. “stop talking about your girlfriend” from The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw column) dressed as Flo from the Progressive insurance commercials, and I can say without hyperbole that it’s the best and most personally-appropriate costume ever. She actually works in insurance, and she can go from normal face to CRAZY EYES on command. My costume has been included as the inset image, and while it was also a solidly-nerdy pop culture reference, I’m not sure how big a picture I want on my website of me in a white-ass morphsuit.

And yes, that’s actually me.

Links

Kris Jenkins Hosts The Worst Comedy Sketch In The History Of Television - More things need to be filmed on a set featuring a fake foyer. It reminds me of the Murderface and Knubbler Christmas Special. [SBN]

You Knew It Was Coming: The Greatest Halloween Pet Costumes You’ll See This Year - I’m disappointed that there are 40,000 costumes for dogs, but only like four velcro novelty hats available for cats. I want to dress my cat like the Lone Ranger, dammit, and Petsmart needs to provide for me that option. [UPROXX]

Meme Watch: We’re A Culture, Not A Costume Parody Posters - A little offensive in its counter-productivity (and people should really stop dressing as geisha, because Jesus Christ, get with it, America) but worth it for the Mummy and zombie Big Show cameos. [UPROXX]

Mega Gallery: Awesome, Geeky Pumpkins To Attempt To Carve This Weekend - I’m stuck somewhere between wanting to carve Roseanne cast face pumpkins and saying f**k it to creativity and just doing McDonald’s-style jack-o-lanterns for the rest of my life. [Gamma Squad]

101 Halloween Corgis - I’m covering Corgi Friday for Matt this week, and look at what I have to follow. [Warming Glow]

10 Halloween Tips For The Star Wars Obsessed - Tip 11: It’s 2011 and Star Wars has been rendered awful by its creator, you should probably get obsessed with something more esoteric but still good, like Babylon 5 or maybe Doctor Who. [Smoking Section]

Every ‘Friday the 13th’ Kill Ever - Why hello, naked Willa Ford. Also, Willa Ford, in case you’re reading this, I thought “I Wanna Be Bad” was awesome and you should be my friend in real life. [UGO]

14 “Sexy” Costumes That Defy Logic - Sexy costume backlash is reaching critical mass, yet the only options for women at Halloween stores are sexy costumes. Is this the great paradox of our times? [Buzzfeed]

Five Horror Movies That Were a Nightmare For the Actors - Weee! More anecdotes about that lady getting her butt scratched by brambles during The Texas Chainsaw Massacre! [The Smoking Jacket]

Nyan Cat Dog Wins Halloween - Somewhere the Rick Astley Dog is crying because his owner is behind the times. [The Daily What]

The 50 Creepiest Pieces Of Romance Advice Ever Published - Something legitimately spooky for you to finish out the links. People who follow this advice (or give it) should be accompanied by thunder crashes and flickering lights at all times. Also, bubbling cauldron noises. [FARK]

Back in July, fans of the San Diego Padres gathered at Petco Park as they hoped to break the world record for the longest costumed dog parade as part of the organization’s annual Dog Days of Summer promotion, which allows fans to bring their pooches to the ballpark. Not only did they end up setting the world record, but they created a new sensation for dog owners across the country. For some reason, people really want to break the record for most costumed dogs in a parade.

Dog owners in Cleveland made their best effort this past weekend and they unfortunately fell short. Hell, a guy in Pittsburgh even tried to set the individual record for most dogs walked. Alas, there is controversy in this canine competition, as a Long Beach, CA man believes that he has already bested the Petco effort and will gladly do it again.

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The past two weeks have been a heated, troubling time for thousands of people around the world. You see, in 2009, 1,052 people gathered at Rutgers University to set the Guinness World Record for the most people dressed like Waldo, of “Where’s Waldo?” fame, in the same place at one time. On June 12, another group of Waldo enthusiasts decided they’d had enough of that record, as 2,563 people congregated in Fitzgerald Park in Cork, Ireland to break that record. Sadly, Ireland remains a broken nation, and this past weekend 3,657 people showed up to break that record in Dublin’s Merrion Square.

With that many drunken Irish people dressed as Waldo – or Wally as they call him across the pond – I’m guessing the wife swapping was at an all-time high. At least I’m hoping. As for the event itself…

According to The Daily Mail, the Street Performance World Championships organized this event in an attempt to break the Guinness World Record for the most number of Waldos (or Wallys) in one location. A total of 3,657 people showed up at Merrion Square in Dublin over the weekend, all wearing the immediately recognizable dark-rimmed glasses and striped outfits.

The Guinness committee hasn’t yet verified if it is a record, but the crowd seemed pretty sure they had pulled it off, singing Queen’s “We Are The Champions” to denote their victory. They also sang “YMCA” by the Village People. (Via Syracuse.com)

Another account has the 3,657 number being broken by yet another Irish gathering of 3,782 Waldo’s/Wally’s, but that comes from an Internet news commenter so it might as well be from the homeless man I gave half my pizza crust to the other night.

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