"What? No, Not f*ckin' that Brian Dennehy!"

For the first time in 11 years, my Brian Dennehy Google News alert finally paid off as I saw that he’d started a new job as the chief marketing officer for Nordstrom, and that at least sounded a little better than making cameos on random TNT dramas. It turns out, though, that Nordstrom’s Brian Dennehy isn’t the same one who played Tom Callahan, Sr. Instead, the Dennehy in question is a 40-something bro who just so happens to be locked in a 23-year old – he wishes I’d stop right here – game of tag with three of his old prep school buddies.

According to the Wall Street Journal, Dennehy and his friends gathered for a reunion in 1990, when they signed a “Tag Participation Agreement” that laid the groundwork for an annual game that lasts the entire month of February. While that sounds pretty simple, the friends are spread out across the country, which makes their scheming all the more impressive.

If only Kate Upton would agree to sign my “Seven Decades in Heaven” contract. Dare to dream.

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Back when I was in college and running the student newspaper, the UCF football team went on a hilariously humiliating 17-game losing streak that included a breathtaking 0-11 season. Game attendance was in the toilet and the crowds were nothing more than drunken messes of frat boys and homeless people trying to get free food. Needless to say, a win was a luxury at that point.

So it wasn’t all that surprising that when UCF defeated Marshall to break the losing streak that fans decided to rush the field and tear down the goalposts. I was on the sidelines as fans were pressing up against the rails. Friends yelled to me to ask if they’d get Tazed for going on the field, and the cops I spoke with laughed and said no because they were outmanned and not in the mood to get trampled. When the game clock expired, fans started leaping over the rails.

I watched as body after body was slung over the bars, and I witnessed three different guys snap their legs on the concrete as they dropped like sacks of soil. It was both terrifying and hilarious, but since that day I’ve never understood why people rush the field. And on Saturday it happened three times. In one game.

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When I was in high school, I tried to saw a surfboard in half and turn the pieces into bookshelves to impress a girl. What I didn’t know was that A) sawing a surfboard in half is freaking ridiculously hard without the right saw and 2) I was a moron and girls hated me. So I was left with two worthless, jagged halves of a surfboard and a newfound burden of poor taste for kitschy decorating that has stuck with me today. What’s that? Hell yeah that original Peaches Records crate would look awesome in my living room!

The other day I was doing my random web surfery when I came across a post on Environmental Graffiti that brought me back to that awkward day in my garage with that rusty saw blade and 47% chance of ripping my ring finger to pieces. It seems there are actually other people out there who know what they’re doing when it comes to salvaging surfboards, skis, snowboards, bikes and even bowling balls and making something useful and creative out of them.

God help me if these images of genuine creativity reignite my desire to turn crap into treasure, resulting in a trip to the emergency room. After all, a man can’t write d*ck jokes with 9 fingers.

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While he’s not nearly as colorful in his opinions as Darnell Dockett, Orlando Magic guard Gilbert Arenas is undoubtedly one of the most entertaining athletes on Twitter (as I’ve occasionally pointed out) because his jokes are often far funnier on the unintentional scale than they are in his head. Since his return to Twitter, Arenas has already been fined by the NBA for cursing while invoking David Stern’s name, taken us on a blind date, given away a few billion pairs of shoes, and started a plank war with Dwight Howard. Needless to say, he gets the most out of Twitter.

But on Tuesday, Arenas offered us a glimpse at his serious side. What started as a trip to his local 7-11 for a free Slurpee on 7/11, became an exercise in civil rights. Because Arenas referred to the 7-11 cashier as “Muhammad”, he received a little backlash from his followers, causing him to defend himself with a diatribe about racism. For instance, did you know that if you’re from Los Angeles, you can’t possibly be racist? All that and more in this week’s @Storytime with Gilbert Arenas.

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Former Miami Dolphins defensive tackle and current bodybuilding enthusiast Daryl Gardener was arrested after an altercation with his girlfriend, Sonia Cabrera, earlier this week on the campus of the University of Central Florida.

Via the Sun-Sentinel:

The 38-year-old former defensive tackle was arrested early Tuesday morning in front of the University of Central Florida’s Zeta Tau Alpha house in Orlando along with his 49-year-old* girlfriend Sonia Cabrera after the two got into a fight.

Cabrera told police she was angry with Gardener after the two had attended a club called Fubar** earlier in the night (because, of course Orlando nightlife includes a spot called Fubar). Cabrera became so angry that later in the night she threw two bottles of cologne at Gardener and struck him with a tire iron at the Alpha Xi Delta sorority house.

For reasons we don’t really understand and this Sun-Sentinel article doesn’t clarify, Gardener tried to confront Cabrera with police officers at another sorority house at UCF. He had seen her in a third-floor window*** he told police. The fact that most of this all went down at sorority houses seems like the strangest part to us.

You’ll have to forgive my happiness over this story. So rarely does a news article come along that is, simply put, my perfect storm. A guy who used to play for my favorite NFL team was arrested on the campus of my alma mater after an altercation in front of two sorority houses that I spent too much time at in my college days. I’m so wistful right now.

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