In today’s ADD social media news feed climate, even the biggest stories of the year can come and go in a matter of days. That’s why in the wake of Jason Collins, Manti T’eo, ESPN’s Tim Tebow love affair, Titus Young’s wild week, etc. etc., it feels to me like the Jerry Sandusky/Penn State scandal happened a decade ago. But it wasn’t even one year ago that Sandusky was found guilty of 45 of 48 charges in his sexual abuse trial, and there are still three former Penn State administrators awaiting their trials, despite their best efforts to have their cases tossed.

Naturally, the news still lingers in the hearts and minds of PSU alumni, students and football fans, so it makes sense that they would all still have many questions about how everything went down. And where there are questions, there are conspiracies like, say, Joe Paterno still being alive. At least that’s one man’s theory, according to a letter received by ESPN’s Bob Ley.

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I have a confession to make – I’m a huge conspiracy nut. However, I’m not saying that I’m the kind of guy who will slap on a tin foil hat every time the government passes a law. I just love watching people dissect the most trivial of things and pretend that it’s code for some massive conspiracy. For example, have you ever watched the Jay Z Illuminati videos? Batsh*t, right? But there are people who legitimately believe that a secret society killed Whitney Houston in order to allow Blue Ivey Carter to join. At the very least, I respect their devotion.

Despite my fervor for these theories, though, I don’t like to post them that much, because spreading the gospel isn’t always a good thing. That’s why when someone sent me a video about how The Dark Knight Rises supposedly predicted the Aurora and Sandy Hook shootings, and it may also have a message buried within about a massacre at Super Bowl 47, I was like, “Nah, someone else have fun with that.”

And while there was obviously no massacre yesterday in New Orleans, I have to admit that the Super Bowl’s bizarre power outage might have turtle-headed a little fear poop.

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On Friday, I wrote about how ABC News used ‘Twin Peaks’ character Laura Palmer as an example of the dangers of cheerleading (she was murdered, wrapped in plastic and dumped in a river … but, you know, on television). I thought that was going to be the last time I saw modern sports tied into 90s pop culture, but now we’re doing it in reverse.

Amy Heckerling’s seminal 1995 comedy Clueless was on TV this weekend, and my good friend and Tampa Bay Rays fan Lex Lybrand (of directing me in a feature film fame) noticed something weird. Near the end of the film, when Alicia Silverstone’s Cher and the late Brittany Murphy’s Tai are making up and settling in to watch Breckin Meyer do some l33t 90s skateboarding, Tai is wearing a what appears to be a Tampa Bay Rays polo. In their current colors. No, seriously, look at it.

The problem with that is that the Rays didn’t exist in 1995, and didn’t switch to that font or color scheme until 2008. There’s an easy explanation — it’s a coincidence, and the TB could represent anything. I’m not an encyclopedia of mid-90s clothing brands, and they could’ve just whipped up a random fake brand logo for a long-forgotten polo in a throwaway scene. Better theory: Brittany Murphy is a time-traveler, which explains the Rays gear and why the girls in gym class look so much like the Brooklynettes. It’s bat-shit, sure, but at least in this theory, Brittany Murphy wouldn’t be dead. She’d just be in the future.

Further evidence (and more 1990s Alicia Silverstone) is below.

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As I pointed out last week, Jose Canseco, the former baseball player who uses Twitter to beg Major League Baseball teams to consider signing a 48-year old designated hitter, now has a new gig as a columnist for Vice. In his debut at that site last week, Canseco weighed in on the necessity of guns in the wake of the Aurora, CO shooting. Canseco’s ultimate point was that if you’re not a juiced up martial artist, you need guns because you’re not an imposing force of fists like he is.

This week, Canseco is back to discuss something that’s more near and dear to his heart – bankruptcy. Canseco admits that he just filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy last week, and that’s shocking. I thought for sure that the guy who was once evicted from his home and needed pro bono legal representation to get his chandeliers back would have been doing just fine. Shows what I know.

Regardless, please allow the man who now claims to be a victim of the government’s evil ways to dispense his incredible amazing financial advice.

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Last week, NBA commissioner David Stern took our attention away from the remarkable success of his league’s shortened season and exciting playoffs when he nailed Jim Rome with a loaded question when asked if the NBA was fixed. “I know that you appreciate a good conspiracy theory as much as the next guy,” asked Rome. “Was the fix in for the lottery?” Responded Stern, “I have two answers for that. The simple easy one, no, the second, a statement, shame on you for asking.”

Stern could have stopped there, but he pressed the issue by asking Rome, “Have you stopped beating your wife yet?” And mouth-breathers everywhere, not knowing what a loaded question is, were like, “LOLWUT? Jim Rome beats his wife???” Of course he doesn’t, and once again the diabolical Oz hid behind the curtain.

So was Stern a little more behaved when Michael Wilbon asked a similar question during halftime of last night’s exciting Game 3 of the NBA Finals? Of course he was.

“It makes for good copy. It makes for good questions. And, you know, bring it on… But I think the people that know the NBA and know me don’t take our responsibilities lightly. We do it with responsibility and we do it with transparency.”

And then he goes on to explain that each team with a lottery ball has a representative in the room, there are 4 media members present, and the Ernst and Young guys are doing their thing, too. But what does that mean to the common fans who still wonder: A) Does the league fix the Draft Lottery for specific teams based on circumstances? And B) Are small market owners that play by Stern’s dark shadow rules rewarded for their loyalty? I think if a growing number of fans – and allegedly team executives – believe that your league is fixed because only the major market teams win championships or because teams that lose their stars miraculously get top draft picks, then you have an obligation to respectfully show them that it’s a stupid idea.

Stern doesn’t want to do that. Instead, he invites the conspiracies by mouth-farting, “Bring it on” because he’s a such a badass, you see, and then striking down guys like Rome for asking the question that we all want an answer to. But hey, at least Stern can take the time out to remove a few ribs and blow himself to remind us all how awesome his league is. And, damn it, we keep watching.

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The NBA Draft Lottery was held last night to determine which team commissioner David Stern was doing favors for this year possesses the No. 1 pick and the eventual rights to Anthony Davis, and to mild surprise the big winner was the New Orleans Hornets. Many people had assumed that Michael Jordan’s pathetic Charlotte Bobcats would win the top pick, but apparently they even suck at being the worst.

That’s why the above image is so amusing, as Davis apparently believed that he was destined for Charlotte with the Snapback hat. Fortunately, it’s a Charlotte Hornets hat so he didn’t waste $30.

But many are still crying foul that the team that the NBA still owns – until the new owner, Tom Benson, officially takes control in July – received this pick as compensation for the fact that Stern and Co. sent Chris Paul packing to Los Angeles. In fact, according to an online USA Today poll, A LOT of people think that Stern is a dirty, no-good cheater.

The idea that the man who is in charge of a billion dollar sports league would be so obvious in collusion and hold such contempt for the fans is one that people discuss with such incredible passion on both sides of the argument, so I wanted to make sure that I collected my thoughts properly in making my own argument as to whether or not Stern is capable of fixing the televised NBA Draft Lottery…

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