From here on out, I will photoshop Kate Upton over every politician's picture.

I don’t know anything about Michigan’s Fred Upton and his politics, but for circumstances that are important to the very fabric with which this site operates, I had to look them up. Turns out Upton is a Republican Congressman (don’t care) from Michigan’s 6th district (dooooon’t care) and he is also the Chairman of the Committee on Energy and Commerce (double dog doodie don’t care). However, he’s also the uncle of 2011 With Leather Celebrity Sports Fan of the Year Kate Upton and we absolutely care about that.

According to Michigan Live, this year’s election was a big kick in the pants for the incumbent congressman. Sure, he’s been in office since 1987 (originally in the 4th district, now in the 6th), but his margin of victory in this election was closer than it has ever been.

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In last season’s NFC Championship game against the Packers, Bears quarterback Jay Cutler hurt his knee (or didn’t hurt his knee) and took a powder. He sat out for about half the game when his team needed him the most, basically handing people the right to rag on him mercilessly for the rest of his life. If he thinks that’s going to be limited to NFL fans and the Internet, he should think bigger; even the federal government is speaking out on Cutler’s trademark futility.

Enter Paul Ryan, a Republican Congressman from Wisconsin who opened his speech about debt reduction to The Economic Club of Chicago with an absolute ice burn on the “Laguna Beach” season seven hopeful:

“I want to thank you all for inviting me to speak. It was especially gracious of you to host me, even though I’m a Packers fan and I assume most of you are Bears fans,” Ryan began.

“But that doesn’t mean we can’t work together. As chairman of the House Budget Committee, I stand ready to do whatever it takes to help you re-sign Jay Cutler. I’m here to talk about the economy today — about the need to get four quarters of strong, consistent performance. That wasn’t another Jay Cutler joke, I swear. It could be, but it’s not.”

I would’ve preferred the “that wasn’t another Jay Cutler joke” part read “boom, roasted,” but hey. This is the way we should be spending our nightmare lockout — making fun of people who deserve it.

[H/T Shutdown Corner]

Since being indicted last week on charges of perjury and obstruction, among other felonies, Roger Clemens has been feverishly denying the allegations that he ever used performance-enhancing drugs and especially that he lied to Congress. And it appears that he’s using the best PR team that money can buy, because he’s defending himself via Twitter. By making fun of a reporter. To his niece.

The man who once inexplicably threw a shattered bat at Mike Piazza has been spending the past few days thanking his 9,200+ followers for supporting him, and again denying any wrongdoing. But his last three Tweets have caught the attention of the Interwebs and especially U.S. District Court Judge Reggie Walton, who has told everyone involved in the federal case – mainly Clemens – to shut the fudge up by issuing a gag order to prevent the tainting of a jury pool. I tainted a jury pool once. Whatever, they shouldn’t have fallen asleep on my couch.

Hey Roger, what’s the best way to gain public support and rebuild your image?

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