The synopsis for this ‘Conan’ highlight tells you everything you need to know:

“Orb” is a cool name for a racehorse. “Timothy’s Weak Erection” is not.

Conan put together a list of lower-stakes racehorse names, and the results include Tim’s sexual problems, an O.J. Simpson reference and my personal favorite, “Disturbing German Pornography.” The Kentucky Derby is the worst, so a big thank you goes out to Conan O’Brien for giving me something to laugh about. The clip, courtesy of Team Coco, is after the jump.

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Are we havin’ fun yet?

If you don’t follow golf, Australian golfer Adam Scott won The Masters after a clutch playoff putt and is now the protagonist of one of the greatest sports photos ever. If you don’t follow NBC comedy, Adam Scott (no relation) is one of the stars of the best — or, at least, the nicest — shows on television, ‘Parks and Recreation.’ You may also remember him from ‘Party Down,’ or from his run as the Fonzie of ‘Boy Meets World.’

They are not the same dude, but what the Internet presupposes is, maybe they are?

Adam Scott The Actor went on ‘Conan’ last night to clear up the confusion. Video is after the jump.

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Honestly, finding out that Shaquille O’Neal plays “Police Officer” in Grown Ups 2 is as much as you should ever learn about Grown Ups 2. In a perfect world, you’re saying, “Grown Ups 2? I never saw Grown-Ups 1!” Yes, in a perfect world you call Grown Ups “Grown Ups 1.”

Anyway, descending quality of comedy magnate Adam Sandler went on Conan to discuss the underlying themes of Grown Ups 2 — spoiler alert: nutshots —
and told a thorough story about playing basketball with Shaq, then trying to see his penis. It’s a totally reasonable thing, I guess, and the story is pretty spectacular. I’m only disappointed that Shaq didn’t make Sandler do the Mer-Man cry while he looked at it.

Here’s the clip:

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If you haven’t heard of him already, this is Julian Newman. Sorry, Julian “Handles” Newman. He’s an 11-year old who is so good at basketball they made him stop playing kids his age and play point guard for his local high school’s varsity team. No, seriously, he’s ridiculous.

A video of Newman’s game highlights and dribbling stunts posted in December on YouTube went viral, currently logging nearly 3 million viewers.

Julian, who is only 11, leads the state of Florida in assists per game this season and ranks fifth nationally, according to Maxpreps.com, which maintains statistics on high school sports. The pint-sized prodigy easily shoots three-pointers from the longer-range NBA line and was invited to show off his skills at halftime during an Orlando Magic game. (via Toronto Sun)

That was good enough to get him a spot on ‘Conan,’ which he used to explain his nickname (spoiler: he doesn’t have it because he’s fat), tell the world what he thinks about LeBron James (spoiler: Kobe’s better) and not only defeat Conan in a game of one-on-one, but defeat Conan, Andy Richter and ‘The Big Bang Theory’s’ Kunal Nayyar THREE-on-one (spoiler: ‘The Big Bang Theory’ blows).

Videos of his adorable TV child interview and MONSTER BASKETBALL SKILLS are below.

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Update: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar hates shit.

You wouldn’t think the guy who wore a golf sweater with Uncle Phil on ‘The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air’ and and taught Uncle Jesse how to play basketball on ‘Full House’ would be so hyper-critical of popular culture, but the 2013 version of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is suddenly super into telling you what he hates about stuff he sees. He hates ‘Girls.’ He thought Django Unchained was a “good B-movie.” KAREEM ONLY LIKES THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW AND OZU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

The folks at ‘Conan’ have taken advantage of Kareem’s late-life blogger crisis by having him review other things, and, as you might expect from a Conan sketch that actually involves the person they’re making fun of, it’s great. Kareem reviews Silver Linings Playbook, discusses the fiber benefits of whole grain Fig Newtons and slam dunks the Mona Lisa, both figuratively and literally. It’s not him running down that kid’s dad in Airplane!, but it’s worth a watch.

Video is below.

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If you’ve ever wanted to see a bear try to slam dunk while being attacked by a gang of sharks, now’s your chance.

Conan O’Brien put together a dunk contest of mascots that should never dunk, and it’s … almost majestic. The aforementioned bear takes on a giant thing of non-dairy creamer, the Olive Garden never-ending pasta bowl, a CD discount bin, and more. I won’t spoil it for you, but one of them actually connects on a dunk. It’s my new favorite thing, and I wish it’d gone on for 90 minutes.

Video is below.

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