As we discussed back in January, Conan O’Brien’s NBA Mascots That Should Never Dunk is probably my favorite thing that happens on television. As far as I can tell, the list goes (1) NBA Mascots That Should Never Dunk, (2) The Shield matches on Raw, (3) Ygritte telling Jon Snow he knows nothing, (4) appearances from Fat Schmidt.

The segment made its grand return on last night’s episode of ‘Conan,’ and here are your competitors:

- a guy trapped in a folding bed
- a med-evac injured hiker
- an octopus taking selfies
- a guy working behind the counter at a gas station in the bad part of town
- binge-eating Pac-Man

I didn’t think they could top the dunking Olive Garden never-ending pasta bowl, but here we are. Video is after the jump.

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The synopsis for this ‘Conan’ highlight tells you everything you need to know:

“Orb” is a cool name for a racehorse. “Timothy’s Weak Erection” is not.

Conan put together a list of lower-stakes racehorse names, and the results include Tim’s sexual problems, an O.J. Simpson reference and my personal favorite, “Disturbing German Pornography.” The Kentucky Derby is the worst, so a big thank you goes out to Conan O’Brien for giving me something to laugh about. The clip, courtesy of Team Coco, is after the jump.

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Are we havin’ fun yet?

If you don’t follow golf, Australian golfer Adam Scott won The Masters after a clutch playoff putt and is now the protagonist of one of the greatest sports photos ever. If you don’t follow NBC comedy, Adam Scott (no relation) is one of the stars of the best — or, at least, the nicest — shows on television, ‘Parks and Recreation.’ You may also remember him from ‘Party Down,’ or from his run as the Fonzie of ‘Boy Meets World.’

They are not the same dude, but what the Internet presupposes is, maybe they are?

Adam Scott The Actor went on ‘Conan’ last night to clear up the confusion. Video is after the jump.

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Honestly, finding out that Shaquille O’Neal plays “Police Officer” in Grown Ups 2 is as much as you should ever learn about Grown Ups 2. In a perfect world, you’re saying, “Grown Ups 2? I never saw Grown-Ups 1!” Yes, in a perfect world you call Grown Ups “Grown Ups 1.”

Anyway, descending quality of comedy magnate Adam Sandler went on Conan to discuss the underlying themes of Grown Ups 2 — spoiler alert: nutshots —
and told a thorough story about playing basketball with Shaq, then trying to see his penis. It’s a totally reasonable thing, I guess, and the story is pretty spectacular. I’m only disappointed that Shaq didn’t make Sandler do the Mer-Man cry while he looked at it.

Here’s the clip:

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Conan O’Brien wrapped up his week in Atlanta last night with a terrific bit that combined a number of things very near and dear to me: 1) Dunks; 2) Charles Barkley; 3) Mean jokes at Shaq’s expense; 4) References to Dick Vitale’s penis (don’t ask); and 5) Stupid shenanigans involving trampolines and silly costumes. Pretty much the perfect storm for me.

Specifically, the bit was called “Weird Dunking Mascots,” and it featured Barkley and Vitale critiquing a number of awful dunk attempts by the insane mascots the show created, (examples include Obese Colonel Sanders and Superman With His Cape Stuck In A Toilet) and tossing some pretty decent burns at each other in the process. Say what you will about Dick Vitale as an announcer, I give him a world of credit for going back to the old fat joke well more than once for his digs at Barkley. That’s dedication. And I give Barkley a world of credit for blowtorching Shaq, his Inside the NBA co-host, with that Superman line. Charles ain’t care, not even a little.

But mostly I’m posting this so I can give a public shoutout to Obese Colonel Sanders, who somehow got the ball to go in the basket despite jumping off a trampoline while wearing a big poofy fat suit and fake facial hair on national television. That alone makes him more qualified to earn starter minutes in the NBA than Spencer Hawes.

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If you haven’t heard of him already, this is Julian Newman. Sorry, Julian “Handles” Newman. He’s an 11-year old who is so good at basketball they made him stop playing kids his age and play point guard for his local high school’s varsity team. No, seriously, he’s ridiculous.

A video of Newman’s game highlights and dribbling stunts posted in December on YouTube went viral, currently logging nearly 3 million viewers.

Julian, who is only 11, leads the state of Florida in assists per game this season and ranks fifth nationally, according to Maxpreps.com, which maintains statistics on high school sports. The pint-sized prodigy easily shoots three-pointers from the longer-range NBA line and was invited to show off his skills at halftime during an Orlando Magic game. (via Toronto Sun)

That was good enough to get him a spot on ‘Conan,’ which he used to explain his nickname (spoiler: he doesn’t have it because he’s fat), tell the world what he thinks about LeBron James (spoiler: Kobe’s better) and not only defeat Conan in a game of one-on-one, but defeat Conan, Andy Richter and ‘The Big Bang Theory’s’ Kunal Nayyar THREE-on-one (spoiler: ‘The Big Bang Theory’ blows).

Videos of his adorable TV child interview and MONSTER BASKETBALL SKILLS are below.

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