If I were in charge of programming for a major network and someone came to me with two pitches and said, “OK, we’ve got a show featuring Jeff Dunham and his puppets or we have a dude challenging his dog to an eating contest”, you’d think the choice would be pretty simple, right? Unfortunately, while so much crap gets the green light on TV these days, the real treasures remain on YouTube. I don’t have much more to set this clip up with other than – A dude challenges his dog to an eating contest.

Epic immortal showdown after the jump.

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Sonya Thomas has been a hot name on the professional food eating circuit as of late. Known to her opponents as the Black Widow, Thomas holds various records for chicken wing competitions, but none is greater than her newest record of woofing down 181 wings in 12 minutes at the National Buffalo Wing Festival on Sunday. But the most remarkable feat – unless you’re just simply floored by a woman who can eat five pounds of chicken without chewing – was who she defeated while setting the record. World hot dog eating champion Joey Chestnut could only stand there and watch as Thomas bested him by 12 wings. Clearly a milestone in the women’s bowel lib movement.

Thomas has 38 records for 35 foods, and her most recent accomplishment prior to the Buffalo Wing Festival was on July 15 in San Juan, Puerto Rico, where she housed 53 Taco Bell soft tacos in 12 minutes. She’s also single as Pitch.com points out, which is great news for anyone in the market for a 105-pound 42-year old woman who probably sets a personal record for Dutch ovens every day.

But is competitive eating a sport, Black Widow?

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The Fourth of July is quickly approaching, and what better way to celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence than gratuitous gluttony? For years, the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, held on the Fourth of July, has been as American as baseball football, grilled meat, and grain alcohol. Japanese eating sensation, Takeru Kobayashi, is as American as Hello Kitty panty vending machines unbridled capitalism, as he has recently declared that he will sit out Nathan’s this year. The cause? Contract disputes with Major League Eating. Ironically, he’s asking for a bigger food stipend when on the road. In other news, people are still starving to death daily in Africa.

Kobayashi, perhaps the most recognizable figure in the world of competitive eating, is currently is ranked No. 3 in the world by Major League Eating, the organization that oversees the Nathan’s Famous event and dozens of other contests around the globe. Attempts to reach him were unsuccessful.

Is the slender 32-year-old from Japan too full to compete? Has he suffered another jaw injury? Nope. It’s a contractual dispute between him and MLE, according to the league.

Pro eaters sign contracts agreeing that they’ll participate in only MLE-sanctioned events; these contracts don’t guarantee pay for eaters, who instead earn money from league-approved endorsements and prize earnings. Richard Shea, the organization’s president, issued a statement Monday indicating that negotiations with the 160-pound pro eater had reached an impasse, but offered no other details. –WSJ

Kobayashi is ranked third in the world by Major League Eating, and I have no Idea who numbers 1 and 2 are (/searches Google). So they’re Joey Chestnut and Bob Shoudt, and much to my dismay, there’s not a big, fat guy to be found in their top 50. Christ, with so many people who are morbidly obease, you think we could get some bigger people to actually eat in competitions. Why are there skinny Asian women in a hot dog eating contest? They need to give JaMarcus Russell a call. Highlights of last year’s contest after the jump. They’re in HD, which is good, because now you can see the failure in their eyes. Read the rest of this entry »

This is Donna Simpson, and she is fat. In fact, she’s efforting to become the heaviest woman ever. She already weighs somewhere around six bills, but she’s still engorging in cake, sushi and donuts to make a push for history. And you, dear reader, can have a front-row seat for all the calorie packing.

She runs her own website where people pay to watch her eat, or see her wash her huge body.
The cash helps fund the family’s $750 a week food shop, which Miss Simpson carries out in her mobility scooter.

That website’s subscribers reportedly earn her a monthly income of £2,000 a month ($3033 US). And to think that I’ve been typing on this site like a schlep.

“I’d love to be 1,000lb,” she said. “It might be hard though. Running after my daughter keeps my weight down.” –Telegraph (UK)

Yeah, exercise is a real bitch like that. I hope that this becomes a movie, just so we can enjoy a five-minute eating montage. And I want Simon Pegg to play Donna while wearing a fat suit. It’ll be like “Big Momma’s House,” but for white people. And actually funny. Thanks to Jack for the heads-up.>

ASYLUM POLL: Would you like to see Donna Simpson reach 1,000 pounds? Be honest…

The worm continues to turn in the pantheon of competitive eating. Takeru Kobayashi, after losing the Independence Day hot dog eating contest, came back with a vengance in the Krystal Square-Off this weekend, downing 93 of those little hamburgers in eight minutes, vanquishing rival Joey Chestnut, who ate 81.

Kobayashi’s victory over Chestnut today before a live televised audience and a crowd of more than 10,000 puts him back on top of the sport he brought into the American mainstream more than eight years ago, only to see his star fall the past three years following several high-profile losses, including a loss to Chestnut at last year’s championship in Chattanooga.

“We knew today’s Krystal Square Off championship was going to be a battle for the ages with Kobayashi hoping to reclaim his glory and Chestnut defending his two-year reign as champ, and both eaters did not disappoint,” said Brad Wahl, vice president of marketing, The Krystal Company. “Kobayashi’s commanding win over Chestnut proved once again why he is the sport’s biggest star.” via.

Tokyo’s biggest belly has won the event four times in the last six years. And now that he’s leaving town, the female patrons of the Chattanooga transit system can rest a little easier. It’s funny because Tokyo is full of perverts. And really smart people that bring America 80% of its high-end electronics. But mostly perverts.

ASYLUM POLL: Is Joey Chestnut Slipping?

The Last Great American Hero prevailed. Again.

Joey Chestnut won the renowned wiener munch-a-rama contest at Coney Island for the third straight year on Saturday, eating a world-record 68 hot dogs in the allotted ten minutes. From the NY Daily News (emphasis added):

The 25-year-old, 218-pound champ maintained a comfortable two-dog lead over his archrival, six-time titleholder Takeru (Tsunami) Kobayashi, for most of the bout. He’d already downed 23 dogs two minutes after the clock started.

“After the second minute I knew my body was cooperating,” Chestnut said.

Chestnut’s rival, Takeru Kobayashi managed to put down 64, and it wasn’t ten years ago when eating 20 dogs, “doing the deuce,” was a big deal. Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas won the women’s title after eating 41 dogs. Wait, there’s a women’s title?! It’s not like she has to dunk or run fast or do long division; why do women get their own title? It’s not like it matters; after that competition, I’m sure everyone was putting the seat down anyway.