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Kobe Bryant Teaches Aziz Ansari A Thing Or Two About Success - Basketball players like him don’t grow on trees, and if they did? He’d sell him. Kobe trees! [Smoking Section]

Important: 10 Television Stars You’ll Probably Never See Naked - Dustin has apparently never seen the 1990 Christina Applegate classic Streets. You’ll see all of these people naked, just five or so years after it would’ve mattered to you. Except Jennifer Love Hewitt. You will never see her nude. [Warming Glow]

Courtney Stodden’s Tweets Drawn Hilariously By Anonymous Internet Hero - There is no greater reason to kill yourself than Courtney Stodden’s Twitter account. “Desirous dirt” is pretty funny, though. [UPROXX]

Meme Watch: 2/10, Would Not Bang Is Here To Help - Absolutely shocked that there isn’t already one of these for Kate Upton. Gonna get to work on that. [UPROXX]

6 Series from Image Comics You Should Be Buying (Aside From The Walking Dead) - Is The Savage Dragon on this list? Because if it isn’t, I’m not clicking. It’s probably just 6 comics with “Blood” and “Storm” in the name. [Gamma Squad]

Patton Oswalt Live-Tweets His Oscar Snub - Forget Patton Oswalt, the biggest Oscar snub of all was Sacha Baron Cohen in Hugo. Dude was the best part of Inspector Zenigata and every 80s Nickelodeon cartoon bad guy. [Film Drunk]

You Wanted More MMA Coverage, So Here’s Arianny Celeste In Zoo Magazine - In case you missed it during yesterday’s pro wrestling reports and Kate Upton nipple pics, Arianny Celeste took off her clothes and we shared the pictures. Hooray! [With Leather]

The 27 Best Movies To Not Be Nominated For Best Picture - Some of these are a travesty, but more importantly I want to know who the 6% of paid f**king movie critics are who gave a negative review to Duck Soup. Are you out of your f**king mind? [Buzzfeed]

26 Crazy/Brilliant Life Hacks - Not as good as yesterday’s 26 Crazy/Beautiful Hacks that ggot Kirsten Dunst into debug mode. [HuffPost Comedy]

5 Daughters of Famous People Who Have Been on ‘American Idol’ - Does Pierce Hawthorne’s step-daughter count? [The FW]

8 Epic Movie Moments and the Music that Made Them Great - This just reminds me how mad I was at Sunshine for suddenly forgetting it was a good movie and shoehorning in the villain from Event Horizon. Never gonna get over that. [Unreality]

I liked football better back when I thought it was real.

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5 Reasons The New DC Logo Is Awful, Awful, Awful - Is comics the only industry where the only way to succeed is to systematically ruin and re-ruin and re-ruin everything halfway decent the people who had the job before you did? Marvel’s new logo should just be Walmart’s. [Gamma Squad]

10 Reasons To Shop At Wal-Mart - Reason 11: those 25 dollar WWE DVDs get dropped down to 5 bucks and tossed in the discount bin whenever they retire or get released. Oh hai Edge DVD! [Buzzfeed]

Hazel Jones’s Two Vaginas Are Freely Available On YouTube - Thank goodness! If they aren’t going to release seasons of Hazels Jones’s Two Vaginas on DVD, at least I get to watch it somewhere. [Film Drunk]

Cable TV Is Full of Liars - As if those infomercials where the people try to grab bread or whatever in black and white and get hurt and get a big red X over their faces weren’t enough of a clue. [Warming Glow]

Kevin Love’s Game Winning Three Breaks The Clippers 101-98 - More importantly, which celebrities watched it happen? [Smoking Section]

A Premature Tribute To Paul Rudd’s Bobby Newport - Bobby Newport. Bobby Newport. Bobby, Newport. Bobby. Bobby. [UPROXX]

9 Funny Tourist Photobombs - HuffPost Comedy, for when you want to read Cracked.com but wish it was written by job-stealing robots. [HuffPost Comedy]

Man Sues Rupert Murdoch For Defaming Him Through ‘Donnie Darko’ and ‘The X-Files’ - I should sue him for defaming me through ‘Bob’s Burgers’. [The FW]

The 10 Least Plausible Movie Stunts Ever. Complete With SOPA-unfriendly Videos - That horse powersliding under a truck had better be on here somewhere. Also, Jessica Alba hurting someone with a punch ever. [FARK]

Five Movies where One Actor has Five or More Roles - It’s pretty sad when these lists go up, and Alec Guinness and Peter Sellers get lumped into the talent pool with post-Crisis Eddie Murphy. Yes, Kind Hearts And Coronets is just like The Klumps. [Unreality]

Redesigns of Classic Hip-Hop Album Covers - Someone should redesign every album Nas has made since Illmatic so he can be as cool and good as he’s supposed to be. Also, redesign Nicki Minaj by turning her into a giant pink blur, plz. [High Definite]

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

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Five ’90s Comic Book Movies That Could Use a Reboot - None of them! No more comic book movies. It’s time to go back to actual books and makes the comics guys work for their money for a few years. I would like to see a new The Rocketeer, though. [Gamma Squad]

Incontrovertible Proof that Tom Cruise is Not Gay - Now contrast this with NASCAR guys, who’ll tell you that Jeff Gordon is gay because he’s mildly handsome. [Warming Glow]

Rihanna’s Smoking Something In Hawaii - I can’t wait until 30 years from now when she’s doing guest spots on Enzyte commercials. “Come on, rude boy! Get it up!” [Smoking Section]

Hanksy Brings Together Tom Hanks And Banksy. Finally. - Somebody do an Andy Warhol/Andy Griffith mash-up so I can laugh and clap my hands and pretend like the Internet was around in the 1960s. [UPROXX]

Andy Warhol At Gristede’s Supermarket, 1962 - Eh, close enough. [High Definite]

George Lucas Talks Retirement, Racism, And Nuking The Fridge - George Lucas should do a Barbara Walters special and admit that he’s just not very good at this, got pretty lucky 35 years ago and is happy to know Spielberg and Coppola. Also that his head looks like a throw pillow. [Gamma Squad]

Michelle Trachtenberg May Have A Sex Tape - Or a “walking around naked tape”, or something. Regardless, the Euro Trip fan in me as going !!!!!!! Uh, sorry, I meant “the Buffy fan”. [FARK]

25 People Who Thought SOPA Was About Soap - 25 people who thought NAFTA was about space travel! Make it happen, Buzzfeed! [Buzzfeed]

7 Sites You Should Be Wasting Time On Right Now - Good job, Burnsy. The most fitting end to my run at With Leather would be for HuffPo to buy UPROXX and fire me. They’re like the Clear Channel of the Internet. [HuffPost Comedy]

‘The Day the LOL Cats Died’ Is the Official Song of the SOPA Protests - I also would’ve accepted the Boxxy I AM NOT TROLLIN’ remix or something involving a Weird Al version of the Bed Intruder. [The FW]

The 11 Crappiest Movies of Kate Beckinsale’s Career - What’s weird is that I’d honestly be more interested in reading the “1 Good Movie Of Kate Beckinsale’s Career” list. Is it Laurel Canyon? No, it can’t be that. [Pajiba]

Couple Attempts to Explode a Car By Using Flaming Tampons - If this is viral marketing for Grand Theft Auto 5 I am so excited. [Brobible]

Seriously though, big ups to Biggie Smalls Danger Guerrero for filling in yesterday so I could enjoy my birthday. On today’s schedule: morning links, then eight straight posts about pro wrestling.

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The Best Of #Sterling Archer Kicks Off UPROXX Archer Week - Yuuuuuuuup. [UPROXX]

5 Elseworlds Comics That Should Be Made Into Video Games - Steampunk everything! Or, I want a game where I’m Ma and Pa Kent and I have to drive around avoiding nails. [Gamma Squad]

Quentin Tarantino’s Top 11 Films of 2011 - I’m not sure I want to live in a world where one of our best filmmakers thinks Hugo and Green Lantern are on the same level. I don’t want to hear Kurosawa nudge somebody and say “hey, I liked 12 Angry Men, but I also liked Plan 9“. [Film Drunk]

The Reasons Louis C.K. Will Never Host the Golden Globes Are Exactly Why He Should Host the Golden Globes - I’m not sure how Ricky Gervais settled into his weird role of guy Hollywood hates but approves of, and why The Average White Guy We All Agree On couldn’t just slide right into it. [Warming Glow]

Apple iPad 3 Reportedly Releasing March 2012 - Hello, Apple thing Destiny wants. Goodbye, 700 more dollars. [Smoking Section]

Ever Wondered What It Would Look Like If A Bunch Of Playboy Playmates Tebowed? - In case you missed this yesterday, Burnsy accomplished one of my career goals: getting Holly Madison’s entire side boob on With Leather’s main page. New career goal: get it in my house. [With Leather]

Stephen Colbert Runs First Presidential Campaign Ad, Accuses Mitt Romney Of Being A Serial Killer - It’s an easy joke, but he’s at least as qualified for this as the people actually running, and he’d do something wacky like legalize pot without doing something wacky like racism. [UPROXX]

25 People Who Think MLK Day Is Milk Day - At least they aren’t Virginia, trying to shoehorn in two Confederate guys so we celebrate “Lee Jackson King” day. A girl I went to high school with once asked me, “who’s Lee Jackson King?” True, sad story. [Buzzfeed]

13 Artists Have Extraordinarily Bad Luck - Schleprock had better be on here somewhere. [Popcrush]

The 20 Biggest Second Week Drops in Box Office History* - Low budget horror films are like cinematic dubstep. [Pajiba]

What Is This Awkwardly Smiling Guy Doing with Mila Kunis? - It must be awful to be Mila Kunis right now. Sure, you’re rich and popular and beautiful, but Jesus, every other moment of your life is somebody standing next to you, smiling like this. The horror. [Brobible]

Trolling Election Billboards - Mitt Romney’s slogan should be “FOR I AM MITT ROMNEY, YOU SEE!” It’d be better than whatever TOGETHER FOR AMERICA bullsh*t he’d come up with otherwise. [High Definite]

In yesterday’s morning links I posted a “Hitler reacts to the Broncos beating the Steelers” video and joked

Somebody make “Sh*t Tim Tebow Says”!

Well thanks, Internet, I guess. It even features him talking about Chuck Norris. I’m gonna go lie down. Via Mentality Magazine.

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‘Sh*t Nobody Says’ And Providing Closure For A Played Out Meme - Closure, or an opening for someone to make a Sh*t Kate Upton Says that is nothing but here going LOL I’M HAVING SO MUCH FUN TAKING PICTURES and sends it to me. [UPROXX]

Kate Upton Did Something Fun With Kids - Speaking of America’s Best Girl, here’s a picture of Kate putting her lips on a trophy. Not pictured: me collapsing and writhing around on the floor. [With Leather]

10 Television Series that Outstayed their Welcome - This is a pretty definitive list, if only for that last season of Roseanne. Scrubs outstayed its welcome the second time Zach Braff scrunched his face up and looked up and to the left to show us he’s “remembering”. [Warming Glow]

Hustle Blood: Big Boi’s 20 Best Guest Appearances - My favorite Big Boi appearance is on the Coors Light ads by the escalators in Tower City Mall you had to look at when you parked there to go to Indians games. [Smoking Section]

Stephen Colbert May Join The Race For The Republican Presidential Nomination - I’d vote for him, not because he’s funny, but because he could legitimately do a better job than most of these whack-jobs. [UPROXX]

DROP EVERYTHING! The new Bill Murray/Wes Anderson has a trailer. - YESSSSSSS. Wes Anderson is like crack to me, I don’t care if everything he does is “the same”. It isn’t, and he rules. [Film Drunk]

Repeat After Me: “I Will Not Take Tax Advice From Trina Or Any Rapper” - Once I tried to make a Sprite can disappear in my mouth. I thought she was just telling me to drink a lot of Sprite. [Smoking Section]

The Five Comics of the New 52 You Must Be Reading - The worst part of trying to make comic book jokes is that you can’t make up a fake premise like “a gritty reimagining of Crazy Quilt!” or “a five part mini-series revealing the origin of Paste Pot Pete” because somebody who writes comics has actually already done it thinking it would be funny/ironic/awesome. Somebody let me write comics, for Christ’s sakes. [Gamma Squad]

The 10 Boldest Comedians Of Our Time - Dat Phan! He does his Grandma’s voice! She’s Asian! [Buzzfeed]

12 Stars Who Got Their Start on ‘One Life to Live’ - I don’t want to fully out myself here, but All My Children or GTFO. [The FW]

Side-by-Side Comparison of Average-Sized Woman with a Supermodel Will Blow Out Your Mindhole - I appreciate this, but suggesting that any sized woman is “average sized” is pretty condescending. I’m sure the naturally skinny girl reading this feels great about being abnormal. [Pajiba]

Epic Surf Video: Biggest Teahupoo Ever, Shot On the Phantom Camera In Stunning HD - I can’t get any more sales-pitchy than that headline, so go watch this. At one point he wipes out because of a mystical tiki. [Brobible]

A Gallery of Comic-Con in 1980 - Now THIS is awesome. This is what you should be doing with your time, Internet, finding and sharing sh*t like this. [Unreality]

Probably the saddest thing ever covered by 24 hour news. They could’ve just put up a picture of Arnold from Diff’rent Strokes and photoshopped his collar popped. The Ebonics in the title are pretty funny too. They should’ve put “ay,” before it.

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Reports: Beyonce Gives Birth, Twitter Reacts - They named the baby Blue Ivy because Jay-Z is gonna buy the Chicago Cubs and move them to Kentucky! Blergh! [Smoking Section]

Axl Rose Is A Hungry Time Traveler - Axl Rose is such a microcosm of life on this planet, going from a Stephanie Seymour-f**king sociopathic rock star beloved by Beavis to being a fat guy in comedy photoshops. Such is life. [UPROXX]

Which Superhero Franchise Has Produced the Worst Video Games? A (Sort of) Scientific Study - This is pretty interesting, but I don’t buy that Spider-Man had 11 good games. The closet a Spider-Man game ever came to being good was marred forever by MY BALLOOONNNN! [Gamma Squad]

Creepy Got Milk? Ads Throughout the Years - Nothin’ creepy about Yasmine Bleeth. WEll, until later, I mean. [Warming Glow]

An Exclusive Gif from Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie - So it’s come to this: exclusive gifs. Hopefully one day we’ll hype movies by getting the stars to warn you on AIM. [Film Drunk]

Sh*t Wookiees Say Is The Definitive Sh*t Said By Someone - Gonna put together a Sh*t Bodysnatches Say video where it’s just people pointing at you and screaming. [UPROXX]

54 Beautifully Offensive Desktop Wallpapers - Keep in mind, they get pretty offensive. I want to create the opposite of these, where it’s a picture of lynchings or Nguyen Ngoc Loan murdering a dude with CORGIS in big capital white letters in the background. [Buzzfeed]

7 Ridiculous Workout and Diet Commercials - Fat Jennifer Hudson is such a creep. Why are you wearing that? I know for a fact that your household has higher fashion standards than that. /coffee slurp [The FW]

Jaleel White Wants To Be On Breaking Bad - Accidentally knocks over the meth lab, asks if he did that, requests cheese, gets put in a headlock by one or more Bushwhackers. America’s white 20-somethings go apesh*t. [FARK]

‘The Simpsons’ Tries For Guinness World Record - The Simpsons should try to make a funny episode. [HuffPostTV]

Batman Gets Seuss-ified - The best part is that Joel Schumacher already made the modern day Grinch/Cat In The Hat-style Seuss Batman movie, where he’s just sarcastic the whole time and makes adult jokes. It’s called Batman & Robin. [Unreality]