"To answer your question, yes, we have decided to stop being human."

Brothers B.J. and Justin Upton have always been good players. The trick, I guess, was for a club to figure out that they should play on the same team. That unlocks some sort of weird National Treasure scenario where the Uptons decipher a bunch of clues and become DEATH-BRINGING MONSTERS OF BASEBALL. Well, Justin, at least. But B.J. is getting there!

Case in point: The Upton brothers hit back-to-back home runs in last night’s game against the Colorado Rockies, bringing the Atlanta Braves to 15-5 on the season and causing a deluge of statistical footnotes, including

1. Justin Upton now leads the Major Leagues with 11 home runs.
2. Justin Upton has hit 11 home runs in April, setting a new Braves team record.
3. The Upton brothers are the first brother tandem to hit back-to-back homers in the Majors since Lloyd and Paul Waner did it for the Pirates back in 1938.
4. Justin Upton will not high-five you.

For more information on that last one, here are the clips. Back-to-back, natch.

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Because it’s cold outside, get it? The MLB.com description of this clip is adorable:

A Rockies fan takes in the first game of the Mets-Rockies doubleheader with a snowman friend

Here’s the clip, followed by the best idea I’ve ever had (ever).

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Few things gets us Interweb bloggy types more fired up than when an athlete gets arrested, as it gives us a chance to be indignant, poignant and self-righteous if that athlete hurt another person (or worse) or it allows us to make endless jokes at that athlete’s expense. More than anything, I think we love when athletes get arrested because they give us awful mugshots, like the Todd Helton YOLO face seen above.

How exactly did Helton’s consistent bat land him in the police blotter this week? *makes drinking motion with hand, pinky out* Allegedly.

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Not the bees! AHHHHHHH Ahgarbulagabah my eyes! my eyes! AHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHhhhurgh!

Coors Field and the Colorado Rockies were overrun by a swarm of bees during Thursday afternoon’s game against the Arizona Diamondbacks, and because DenverPost.com used “Coors Field was buzzing” and “bee-lieve it” puns in the first two sentences of their report, I’ll let them handle the recap:

In the fifth inning, a swarm of bees staked claim to a post in a camera well near the Rockies’ dugout. The sudden invasion by the winged creatures sent Rockies players scurrying to the opposite end of the dugout.

The game was halted briefly when Diamondbacks first-base coach Eric Young Sr. was forced away from his position, and photographers and TV cameramen fled the bees. The players never left the diamond.

Here’s the video, if you’re into plague footage:

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When we last talked on Friday, we were discussing the intricacies of foul ball etiquette, juxtaposed with infant mentality in adult sports fans and subsequent child entitlement. Or we were talking about dicks who steal foul balls from kids, but that first one sounds fancier. Either way, it all started with the story of 12-year old Arizona Diamondbacks fan Ian McMillan, who was praised for his selflessness and generosity after he gave a ball tossed into the stands by Rickie Weeks to a kid who cried his eyes out after he dropped it.

As we discussed, McMillan appeared to have been urged by a stadium attendant to give the ball to the other kid, but it’s old news now, because the D-Backs don’t care. They think McMillan is pretty cool, and they rightfully rewarded the hell out of him. Before Friday night’s game against the Colorado Rockies, McMillan was presented his very own team jersey by manager Kirk Gibson in a special press conference. Then he even got to throw out the first pitch. Meanwhile, that other kid probably cried.

McMillan’s thoughts and awesomeness after the jump.

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A Coors Field grounds crew member learned difficult lessons about coordination and teamwork when he was overtaken by the tarp during Tuesday night’s Rockies/Mets rain delay and his crew just kept on jogging. The most surprising thing is that it was a grounds crew guy and not one of the actual Mets. The video tells you what you need to know, but the USA Today write-up is awesome, and features an AP beat writer morphing into E.B. White and going for the Newberry Medal for Blooper Reports.

The man tripped while helping to pull the tarp over the infield and was quickly smothered as the rest of the crew continued on. Once the tarp was flush, he crawled his way out to safety and smiled.

The crowd, which was retreating to the concourse as rain and lightning arrived in the bottom of the seventh inning, cheered as the man crawled out from under the white tarp like a mouse sneaking out from under the bed sheets.

The guy who copy and pasted the story over to HuffPo did an even worse job editorializing:

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