After a brief hiatus, the Sports On TV column returns with one of the most requested shows ever: Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s 16-season strong cultural landmark, ‘South Park’.

‘South Park’ has been around since 1997, and has changed along with the times. When it started, Parker and Stone were getting $1,200 to make video Christmas cards for Fox executives. In 2012, they are influential, Tony Award-winning, multi-millionaire media moguls. One thing hasn’t changed: in season one, Kenny was getting ripped apart by football players. In season 16, Tom Brady is guzzling a Gatorade bottle of a child’s semen. Sports are one of the weirdest, stupidest, most ritualistic and overly-glorififed things human beings can do, and ‘South Park’ has been in tune with that since the very beginning.

So, in the Interest of easing us back into regular Thursday columns, here are my choices for the 20 greatest South Park sports moments. Like a lot of the shows we do, there are a ton of moments we had to leave out, so a part 2 will probably happen. If we left out your favorite moment, or you have something to say about a moment we chose, be sure to drop down into our comments section and let us know.

As an added bonus, participating in the discussion and sharing the column on Twitter or Facebook (courtesy of one of those handy buttons at the bottom of the post) will net you the BAT DAD BADGE. You don’t want the Bat Dad Badge? I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA.

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The summer has not been kind to hockey.

In May, New York Rangers left winger Derek Boogaard mixed alcohol and oxycodone and died. Earlier this month, Winnipeg Jets forward Rick Rypien killed himself, and now, just yesterday afternoon, 15-year NHL veteran Wade Belak has been found dead in Toronto. Foul play isn’t suspected and we don’t officially know the cause of death, but CBC is saying it was suicide. Three tragedies since May.

A 12th-overall draft pick in 1994, the 35-year old Belak spent his time in pro hockey with the Colorado Avalanche, Calgary Flames, Toronto Maple Leafs, Florida Panthers and Nashville Predators. He retired in March, but had been named as one of the contestants for the upcoming third season of the CBC’s “Battle of the Blades” and was scheduled to be part of the Predators’ television broadcast team. Former Nashville Predators assistant General Manager Mike Santos (now with the Panthers) talked to the Miami Herald about Belak’s passing, and put it way better than anyone writing a blog about it could.

“He was as friendly and nice a person as I have ever met,” Santos said. “He would give you the shirt off his back. He did so much for kids and our community. He was wonderful. I’m shocked. I’m sad. I don’t know what to say. It’s a real shame. He’s the best.”

That’s it in a nutshell, really. You remember the kindness, and you don’t know why it was taken away. The Predators, the team with whom Belak spent his final three seasons, issued their own statement:

“The entire Nashville Predators organization and family is shocked and saddened by the sudden and untimely passing of Wade Belak. Wade was a beloved member of the organization, a terrific teammate and wonderful father and husband. He will be greatly missed. Our thoughts and prayers go out to his wife Jennifer and children Andie and Alex. We offer our full support to them at this very difficult time.”

If you visit our friends at Puck Daddy you can read comments from Gary Bettman, Donald Fehr and more as they come in throughout the day. Hopefully this is the last time hockey fans and families will have to go through this, at least for a little while.

Joe Sakic sunk a hole-in-one at the American Century Celebrity Golf Championship, where a perfect shot on the 17th earned him a $1 million bonus from the tournament sponsor. Half of it going to Sakic and half goes to Lance Armstrong’s Livestrong Foundation. It’s at this point I’d like to remind you that Sakic is not a golfer: he is a hockey player, so take in this news like you might if I showed you video of Derek Jeter dunking over a car. Charles Barkley just won the Daytona 500, everybody, here’s a photo gallery.

From USA Today:

“That’s a shot you never imagine hitting,” said Sakic, who won two Stanley Cups with the Colorado Avalanche. “I’ve never even been close before. If you’re going to do it, why not here?”

Take a look.

The best part is his reaction, which starts off as literally nothing and devolves (evolves?) into high-fives and a Cal Ripken Jr. victory lap. I like to think my reaction would be similar, except with more fist pumping and me yelling “BOOM”.

[h/t Devil Ball Golf]

Colorado Avalanche center Peter Forsberg is retiring. Again. For reals, this time.

Forsberg was arguably the best two-way player in the NHL during his heyday, leading the Avalanche to Stanley Cup titles in 1996 and 2001, and earning both the Hart Trophy and league MVP in 2003.

He started having problems with his right foot over the next few years and ended up going back to his native Sweden after appearing in nine regular-season games and seven postseason games in 2007-08. Forsberg played for his hometown club MoDo the past couple of years and his foot held up enough that he decided to give the NHL another shot.

–ESPN.

Forsberg’s comeback lasted all of two games, both on the road, tallying a minus-4 rating and no points. On the bright side, he still has a pretty sweet goatee and a hairstyle that would draw the envy of any West Virginian. The 37-year-old may return to his old Swedish team, MoDo, who did not write the 1980 hit “Whip It.” Just thought I’d point that out.

An anonymous source has told the AP that the only captain the Colorado Avalanche have ever had will be retiring after 20 seasons in the NHL. Joe Sakic (right) was one of the Quebec Nordiques that made the pilgramage to Denver in 1995, and one of the game’s great centers, ranking among the NHL’s all-time leaders in goals (625-14th), assists (1,016-11th) and total points (8th).

The anonymous source indicates that mounting injuries, including a herniated disk in his back and a hand injury from a snowblower accident, were the main reason for Sakic’s departure. Sakic was one of those undersized guys that just did his thing every night and worried more about winning than his own personal glory, an attitude best exemplified when he famously handed the Stanley Cup to Ray Borque after the Final in 2001. And he kinda looks like Harry Connick, Jr. That’s doubly badass.

The official announcement is expected tomorrow. Sakic could still play for Team Canada in 2010; he’s been invited to camp, and the prospect of ending his hockey career in the Olympics being held in his home province of British Columbia would be tough to turn down. Either way, the NHL sucks a little bit more now that Joe Sakic is gone.

Seriously, I don’t know how anyone can characterize black-and-white TV as “fun.” Do you think walking to work each morning and hunting your own food would be fun? What about getting married right out of high school and dealing with a wife who thinks anal is only a style of thermometer?  Society progresses for a reason, you pricks. Unless, of course, your society is tied to the National Hockey League:

Your TV set will be working fine, when you see the second period of Friday’s Avs-Canadiens game on the House Channel. To commemorate the Canadiens’ 100th year (and to get a little free pub like this), Stan Kroenke will instruct his minions to have a black-and-white picture for the full second period.

For the third period, the Avalance plan to select one section of fans from their arena and turn them in to the Senate Un-American Activities Committee as communists.

[Denver Post, via Puck Daddy, who sports a bio pic in black-and-white. Get off his lawn.]