I like to imagine this video was created when the Don Draper of Taiwanese Animation walked into the studio (apartment where these are put together), wiped his hand across the sky and boldly stated, “Bobby Petrino getting a blowjob on a motorcycle”. And then those two high-fiving ladies from the end of the NMA World Edition videos drew up these beautiful painted storyboards of Petrino making O-face and powersliding off the road, and eventually it became what you see below.

Not to ruin anything for you, but at one point Petrino gets catapulted through a window when a domesticated boar headbutts him in the junk. Stay for the slow motion replay.

I know I link to these things all the time, but I’m consistently amazed at their ability to cut through the “analysis” and get right to the heart of the story — Bobby Petrino is a creepy phony and he f**ked up, and now he’s at the mercy of charging pigs.

[via NMA World Edition]

I hate writing obituaries and memoriam posts. Unless you truly know a person, they’re just usually so forced and awkward. Although, with sports it’s a little different, because we are inspired by athletes and coaches on a regular basis, so we feel like we know these people. That’s what makes this whole Joe Paterno thing incredibly strange.

I used to wonder why Paterno was such a big deal. He only won two national championships and the last one was in 1986. I viewed him the same way that I did Bobby Knight – “What have you done for me lately?” But I always lacked one thing that would have given me actual perception – a favorite college football team. Growing up, I had no allegiance to any college football teams, so I never actually understood how incredible it is for one guy to stay with the same team for a career. And now, as a fan of the UCF Knights, I openly beg for George O’Leary to be fired.

That’s why this quote that I came across in reading the media’s reaction to JoePa’s death stuck out a little.

“Why leave?” Paterno explained in a 1995 interview with the Tampa Tribune. “It’s got everything I want: small town, a college town. I can walk home after games. I’ve been accepted as a faculty member, not treated as a dumb jock. I can do things that suit me intellectually; I’m a little bit of an egghead.”

I admire that. As we’ve seen far too often, players and coaches want bright lights and big cities. JoePa was apparently happy with the small town. It’s refreshing, to say the least. That’s why I can understand the incredible outpouring of emotions and respect the students and alumni have been showing for JoePa since news of his death broke yesterday. They see the 46 years of head coaching and the man who charged onto the field for 409 victories.

However, that’s mostly limited to his friends, fans and former players, because the rest of us see him for who he became over the last three months of his life. I don’t quite know how I feel about Paterno anymore. I used to not care who he was. He was a coach, cool. Then I thought he was great because he stuck around and he was this cool old dude who crapped himself during a game.

But now I just want answers. I think we all want answers, because none of us wants our heroes to be exposed as anything but perfect. That’s why I understand the love for JoePa. I don’t agree with it, but I understand it. And we’ll probably never get those answers now that he’s gone. Most of us won’t settle for “I never heard of that” as an excuse for turning a blind eye to his friend and defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky allegedly raping children in Penn State facilities. Aware or not, that’s the man’s legacy. Trust me, I don’t want it to be his legacy, but I don’t think anything will ever happen to change it now that he’s gone.

And it’s a shame, because he’s still a hero to so many people, who will spend the rest of their lives defending him, despite still wanting the questions answered. After the jump, I have some reactions from the media and JoePa’s friends, as well as pictures from the Penn State student body’s tribute.

(Images via Getty and Reuters.)

“This is a sad day! Our family, Dottie and I would like to convey our deepest sympathy to Sue and her family. Nobody will be able to take away the memories we all shared of a great man, his family, and all the wonderful people who were a part of his life.” – Jerry Sandusky

“I am numb. Forget the football aspect. We just lost a great contributor to our society. He was way more than a football coach. There are many living positive testimonies walking around because of Joe Paterno. He straightened out many lives.

“He was rare. This was a real guy — he was not a fake. Was he infallible? Absolutely not. He had his flaws; he made mistakes. But he was as close to being what you are supposed to be as anyone I ever have been around.

“He was a teacher who affected thousands (with) life-long lessons.” – Matt Millen, ESPN analyst and former Penn State football player

“Some who had previously derided Penn State’s ‘success with honor’ mantra as sanctimonious and self-serving, with Paterno at the forefront of the holier-than-thou facade, were quick — perhaps too quick — to depict him as a Sandusky enabler. And so the battle was joined, with accusers and defenders choosing either side of the Joe issue.” – Bernard Fernandez, Philadelphia Daily News

“It’s more plausible that he was willing to overlook Jerry Sandusky’s alleged behavior for the sake of the program than to believe he didn’t know what was going on. Another theory says Paterno’s unforgivable neglect was partly a generational thing — that people of his age group ignored sexual abuse.

“Whatever the explanation, what happened on Paterno’s watch is tragic for the victims. And sad for Paterno, his family and his legacy.” – Herb Gould, Chicago Sun-Times

“Paterno came from a simpler time and that might have been his undoing. He preferred the early years when, if a player ran afoul of the law, he would take care of it himself and ‘run his tail off in practice.’ He believed in a Norman Rockwell portrait of America that had long since fallen from the wall.” – Bob Ford, Philadelphia Inquirer

“He made a mistake, but I think Joe Paterno still lived an incredibly positive life. He goes down in my book as an incredible human being.” – Former Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell

“It’s despicable conduct that should have no connection to a man lovingly known as ‘JoePa.’ But Sandusky was one of Paterno’s top assistant coaches for 30 years. Even if Paterno had not been told Sandusky had molested a boy, critics would suggest he should have known more and done more.” – Philadelphia Inquirer editorial

“I’m saddened by JoePa’s death, saddened by his decline at Penn State, saddened that he failed to do the right thing in his handling of the pedophilia scandal that severely damaged his reputation as a man of principle and integrity.” – Bernie Miklasz, St. Louis Post-Dispatch

“It’s not only a great loss for us of a great benefactor and a great man, but our country lost. He showed us an example of what it is to be a coach and a teacher.” – Jo Dumas, Penn State professor

“… if Joe Paterno’s legacy is to be an example of anything, it’s that blind hero worship is goddamn retarded and there’s a very simple truth why: Inside the heart of every single man, woman and child, whether it’s Mother Teresa or old-timey football coaches, lies an asshole. For such is the human condition. Homo assholicus they should’ve called us.” – The Superficial

“It’s going to be very hard to imagine college football without Joe in this world. I met Joe in 1962 when I was the head coach at Howard College and he was an assistant at Penn State. I took a train up to State College to watch them during spring practice. We started playing each other once I got to West Virginia University in 1966 as an assistant coach, which was Joe’s first year as Penn State’s head coach. We had many great battles over the 40 plus years, and many great times together with our wives on various coaching trips.” – Former President George H.W. Bush

“I was deeply saddened to hear of the passing of Joe Paterno. He was an outstanding American who was respected not only on the field of play but in life generally — and he was, without a doubt, a true icon in the world of sports. I was proud that he was a friend of mine. Barbara and I send our condolences to his devoted wife Suzanne and to his wonderful family.” – Mike Krzyzewski

Ed Hill of Altoona, Pa., a longtime season-ticket holder, had a different opinion: “His legacy is without question as far as I’m concerned,” he said. “The Board of Trustees threw him to the wolves. I think Joe was a scapegoat nationally. . . . I’m heartbroken.” – Los Angeles Times

“Lives are not jury trials; we should not expect a verdict at the end. Paterno was never the saint his worshipers made him out to be, and he was certainly not the devil his loudest recent critics have portrayed.” – Michael Rosenberg, Detroit Free Press

“Joe and his wife Sue showed remarkable benevolence that will live forever at Penn State. With a lifetime giving total of more than $4 million, the couple doubled the size of the University Park library, endowed faculty positions and scholarships in the College of Liberal Arts, the School of Architecture and the University Libraries and supported two building projects — the Penn State All-Sports Museum and an interfaith spiritual center, among other gifts.” – Devin Weakland, Next Gen Journal

“It’s surreal, right now,” said Jenna Adams, a junior from Nazareth who made clear in agreeing to an interview that she wouldn’t respond to questions about Paterno’s role in the Jerry Sanduskyscandal. “It will take a while to fully come to grips with the fact that he’s gone and what his death means for our family.” – The Patriot News

“Those who knew him and of him recalled not the controversy that surrounded the final months of his life, but his tenure as architect of one of the most renowned football programs in college sports.” – Lucas Murphy, Courier Post

“I think this last tragic series of incidents probably took his will to live,” said Larry Foster, a friend of Paterno and his family for 60 years. “It probably bore down on him because it was so opposite to what he was used to. When he made the decision of handling it the way that he did, I think he felt like he was doing the right thing. And it turned out to be the wrong thing. His words, ‘I should have done more,’ I think I’ll keep in my memory.” – New York Times

Paterno’s death leaves open wounds and unanswered questions. He was never implicated directly in the scandal but had to stand in judgment against himself — the high man of character he had proved to be since arriving on campus in 1950. – Chris Dufresne, L.A. Times

When the final BCS rankings came out and revealed which two teams would be playing for the BCS Championship, a good majority of us responded with a collective, “Aw come on, not them again!” When LSU and Alabama played on Nov. 5, we witnessed a 9-6 overtime festival of snores. Last night, when they met again in the BCS Championship game… well, at least one of them scored a touchdown this time.

Make no mistake, Alabama put on a heck of a show, dismantling the nation’s top team to the tune of 21-0. I remember hearing one of the commentators say that this was the first time that the No. 1-ranked team had ever been blanked in a championship game, but I was also busy trying to convince the bartender to put on a hockey game so we could watch something more exciting.

I’ll give LSU coach Les Miles some credit, though. It is pretty ballsy to play in a National Championship game without a quarterback while running a sorority flag football offense. I’m sure Nick Saban appreciated it, too.

(Images via the AP.)

Honestly, I’d like to party with this guy.

Please don’t spike it.

That’s a pretty novel way to order beers.

Great game, guy whose name I can never remember.

I’m going to pretend he’s rapping a song from Disorderlies.

You bet your asses I’m turning this guy into a meme.

These guys were great in 300.

“Tell everyone back at LSU that I said hey.”

I was right there with you guys.

This picture is very funny to me, especially because I can’t get this song out of my head.

Thanks a lot, LSU.

While most of us are eagerly awaiting the most important bowl game of the year – the GoDaddy.com Bowl, obviously – some people are still apparently hung up on that BCS Championship Game that is taking place on Monday night in New Orleans. I mean, I guess if you’re into things like the No. 1 and 2 teams in the country playing each other to determine the season’s ultimate champion, then this game is alluring. But still – Arkansas State! Northern Illinois! A match made in heaven.

With all the hoopla surrounding Monday’s title game, it’s easy to lose track of everything that LSU and Alabama players and coaches have been up to, like, for instance, Nick Saban showing off his DERP cannon at practice. LSU coach Les Miles and his players took time away from their practice to visit the cancer ward of the Children’s Hospital of New Orleans yesterday, and I think that’s worthy of a hearty With Leather Solemn Nod of Respect.

And in return, I’d like to ask that both teams play one man short on defense so we’re not stuck with another 9-6 snorefest. Well, unless it gives us this again…

The report, from the unfortunately named UnicornBooty.com:

In preparation of their upcoming game against LSU on January 9, the University of Alabama is selling t-shirts promoting a hate crime. The plan is for thousands of Alabama Crimson Tide fans to flood Bourbon Street, home to some of the oldest gay watering holes in the country, dressed in t-shirts that read:

HEY HOMEAUXS – WE JUST BEAT THE HELL OUT OF YOU.

As if using violent assaults against LGBT victims as a pun to sell college football merchandise wasn’t bad enough, the printer’s French is also atrocious. Aux is already plural, and in no need of an S.

Thank goodness LSU’s mascot isn’t the “black” something, I guess.

The comments section of the mythical creature’s ass contains a conversation with someone claiming to be the creator of the shirt, rationalizing that he didn’t realize gay people would be offended by “hey faggot I’m going to murder you” and noting that the shirts are a response to some fans from a few years ago wearing “Alabama Fans Are Homeauxs” shirts to games. He’s very sorry. And while it’s pretty easy to believe a guy from Alabama could be super stupid instead of homophobic, it’s interesting to consider why a Louisiana team would think calling a Tuscaloosa team with a vaginal bleeding euphemism for a mascot “homos” with a Frenglish spelling is beyond me. I’m gonna stick with “he’s an inbred goon and thought this was hilarious”.

"So I'd like to stay another year and nail many, many attractive college girls."

If USC quarterback Matt Barkley enters the 2012 NFL Draft, he is a Top 10 draft pick, without a doubt. Depending on whether or not the Cleveland Browns decide if they’re content with Colt McCoy instead of selecting one of three seemingly sure-fire NFL QBs, he could even be a Top 5 pick. Of course we also need to see how the Top 10 unfolds, with so many terrible teams still jostling for position, but in my cold, dark heart, I know he was going to be a Miami Dolphin.

And then he had to be a big ol’ jerk and stay at school for his senior year.

Matt showed Kiffin an ornament he had made for him that had Barkley and Kiffin embracing after the USC-Colorado game in November, in which Barkley set the school’s single-game touchdown passes record. Below the picture, it read, “2011 Great Memories.”

Kiffin looked at the ornament hastily made out of cardboard and said, “That’s neat. Cool ornament, Matt.”

Barkley then said, “Turn it over, Coach.”

Kiffin had to read the hand-written inscription twice for the words to sink in: “One more year. To the memories next year.”

(Via ESPN LA)

My overwhelming disappointment aside, this is a bold but understandable choice by Barkley. On one hand, he loses the substantial payday he was guaranteed as one of the three franchise QBs – the others being Robert Griffin III and that Stanford kid nobody talks about – taken in the first round, but he doesn’t necessarily seem like a guy who is too worried about waiting another year for that coin.

On the other hand, he can help guide the Trojans out of their humiliating suspension by making a National Title run next year, and if they look anything like they did this season, the Trojans will definitely be in the thick of it. And that stinks, because nobody wants to see Lane Kiffin win.

Links

College Football’s Top 50 Plays Of 2011 - I did a version of this list, but when I was done I noticed it contained 35 Tim Tebow plays. Yes, part of me still thinks of Tim Tebow as a college football player, sort of how I still think all my ex-girlfriends are nice people. [High Definite]

“The Ride” – Review Of Drake’s Take Care - What a terrible record. Indianapolis Colts. [Smoking Section]

Joe Clark Is Pissed: “Lean On Me” Actor Busted With 200 Pounds Of Weed - BUY THE WEED, SON. COME ON, DO IT. DO IT EXPEDITIOUSLY. [Smoking Section]

It Was Bound to Happen: ‘Fear Factor’ Incest - This is easily the hottest Fear Factor has ever been. It should just be porn fears now, like to win money you have to get Brazzer’d in the chest for 5 minutes. [Warming Glow]

Bisexual Amber Heard urges other Hollywood stars to come out of the closet. With a helpful picture of how this might be achieved - Amber Heard and Chaz Bono walk the same road, except Amber’s is covered with rose petals and lined with people going OH GOD AMBER HEARD YOU ARE SO PRETTY AND GREAT even if what she does is exclusively terrible. You have an awesome life, Amber Heard. [FARK]

The Internet’s 10 Best Ron Swanson Tributes Of 2011 - Give me all the Ron Swanson tributes you have. [UPROXX]

Foo Fighters Concert Causes Minor Earthquake Tremors In New Zealand - Why’d you have to go and let them die? [UPROXX]

Official Amazing Spider-Man Site Is Go - Where are you when we need you most, Wizard Magazine? Spider-Man’s urine eyes are worrying me. [Gamma Squad]

The Golden Globe Nominations are… kind of great? - Hugo for Best Picture. It’s like that other movie about silent film, but not up its own asshole. [Film Drunk]

The 30 Most Important Cats Of 2011 - I refuse to believe my cat isn’t on here somewhere. [Buzzfeed]

10 Adorable Videos of Animals Using iPads - Again, my cat should be on here somewhere, although I guess lying on an iPad isn’t “using” it. [The FW]

Response Piece: Ten Subtle Ways to Tell Him that His Penis is Too Small - TT_TT [Pajiba]

Heisman Trophy winner and Jay Pharaoh character Robert Griffin III showed up on ‘Late Show With David Letterman’ to read the “Top Ten Thoughts That Went Through Robert Griffin III’s Mind When He Won The Heisman Trophy” and hit almost every necessary comedic note — Tim Tebow loving Jesus, the Indianapolis Colts being terrible, Kim Kardashian being a gold digging succubus who already has way too much of her own gold and so on.

You can check out video of the appearance below. I found it on YouTube so you didn’t have to watch it on the 100 x 40 CBS video player, so watch it quickly.

As a blogger, I’m going to pretend I’m outraged at #4′s “would my teammates mind if I showered with the trophy” and associate it with Penn State, even if the more direct reference would’ve been “I will shower with the trophy, but I’ll only hold onto it by the leg”.

[h/t Dr. Saturday]

I’ve often joked that the Florida Gators and their fans were the nouveau riche of college football, having a long history of being the distant 3rd in Florida’s “Big 3″ until only recently coming into success and fame. And the joke grew funnier to me when Urban Meyer arrived and so many Gators fans acted like Steve Spurrier – the reason that they had any national pride at all – never existed. But I’m not putting all Gators fans under that giant umbrella, especially when a true fan like Jen Wiley exists.

Both huge Gators fans, Jen and her husband were married in 1996 and they had their first child, a bouncing baby boy, back in 2006. Because those years are so important to the University of Florida football program and its fans, they decided to honor their favorite team by naming their child Spurrier Urban Wiley. Call me a dick, but I kind of hope he goes to FSU.

“My husband and I got married in 1996, when Spurrier won the championships,” she said, “and then we conceived in 2006 when Urban Meyer won the championship.”

It was a seemingly perfect fit for these Florida fanatics, until now. So mom’s ready for a change.

“I want to change his middle name,” she said.

(Via Bay News 9)

And what does she want to change his middle name to? Tim. As in Tim Tebow, our holy reptilian quarterback. It’s worth pointing out that this woman is from Florida but the child was born in Ohio. That’s like the ultimate double whammy.

What I really enjoy about the article, though, is that the husband’s name is never mentioned, almost as if he didn’t want this story about his child’s ridiculous name being told in the first place. But the real victim in this is poor Billy Donovan. Won’t some insane, overzealous fan name her child after the Gators’ national champion basketball coach? Maybe one day, Billy. Maybe one day.

(Hat tip to Kegs and Eggs.)

Dr Pepper’s “It’s not for women!” ad campaign for its new line of low-calorie soda, Dr Pepper 10, is a particularly offensive piece of goonery. It makes Miller Lite’s moronic “Man up!” commercials look like nothing short of a brave stance for equality. Some noted experts — me and one guy who retweeted me — have even declared that everyone at Dr Pepper responsible for the campaign should be “shot out of a cannon into a tub of slime.” Harsh, perhaps, but certainly not unreasonable given the circumstances.

However, this weekend there was a silver lining to their meatheaded ad push. During halftime of the SEC Championship, they sponsored a competition where two contestants threw footballs into giant soda cans, with the winner receiving a $100,000 college scholarship. The winner was University of Nevada-Reno freshman Ivon Padilla-Rodriguez, and she proceeded to cry and give a heartwarming speech that included the line “Dr Pepper is seriously the best thing that ever happened to me.” (As pointed out by some guy named Matt at SB Nation, she and her family have been having money problems, so the scholarship was especially helpful.) After she made that somewhat poorly-worded claim in a moment of excitement, some people rushed to crack jokes at her expense. I will have none of it. The whole thing is adorable and I wish her nothing but the best. I am a total sap for these kinds of things.

So, look: Dr Pepper is still a company run by misogynistic creeps, but they lucked into some good public relations here. And I implore them to take the ball and run with it in a more positive direction. I think it was either the famous Greek philosopher Plato or Roc-A-Fella records artist Beanie Sigel who said, “Son, you gotta get your soul clean. Before they blow them horns like Coltrane.”