I like to imagine this video was created when the Don Draper of Taiwanese Animation walked into the studio (apartment where these are put together), wiped his hand across the sky and boldly stated, “Bobby Petrino getting a blowjob on a motorcycle”. And then those two high-fiving ladies from the end of the NMA World Edition videos drew up these beautiful painted storyboards of Petrino making O-face and powersliding off the road, and eventually it became what you see below.

Not to ruin anything for you, but at one point Petrino gets catapulted through a window when a domesticated boar headbutts him in the junk. Stay for the slow motion replay.

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I hate writing obituaries and memoriam posts. Unless you truly know a person, they’re just usually so forced and awkward. Although, with sports it’s a little different, because we are inspired by athletes and coaches on a regular basis, so we feel like we know these people. That’s what makes this whole Joe Paterno thing incredibly strange.

I used to wonder why Paterno was such a big deal. He only won two national championships and the last one was in 1986. I viewed him the same way that I did Bobby Knight – “What have you done for me lately?” But I always lacked one thing that would have given me actual perception – a favorite college football team. Growing up, I had no allegiance to any college football teams, so I never actually understood how incredible it is for one guy to stay with the same team for a career. And now, as a fan of the UCF Knights, I openly beg for George O’Leary to be fired.

That’s why this quote that I came across in reading the media’s reaction to JoePa’s death stuck out a little.

“Why leave?” Paterno explained in a 1995 interview with the Tampa Tribune. “It’s got everything I want: small town, a college town. I can walk home after games. I’ve been accepted as a faculty member, not treated as a dumb jock. I can do things that suit me intellectually; I’m a little bit of an egghead.”

I admire that. As we’ve seen far too often, players and coaches want bright lights and big cities. JoePa was apparently happy with the small town. It’s refreshing, to say the least. That’s why I can understand the incredible outpouring of emotions and respect the students and alumni have been showing for JoePa since news of his death broke yesterday. They see the 46 years of head coaching and the man who charged onto the field for 409 victories.

However, that’s mostly limited to his friends, fans and former players, because the rest of us see him for who he became over the last three months of his life. I don’t quite know how I feel about Paterno anymore. I used to not care who he was. He was a coach, cool. Then I thought he was great because he stuck around and he was this cool old dude who crapped himself during a game.

But now I just want answers. I think we all want answers, because none of us wants our heroes to be exposed as anything but perfect. That’s why I understand the love for JoePa. I don’t agree with it, but I understand it. And we’ll probably never get those answers now that he’s gone. Most of us won’t settle for “I never heard of that” as an excuse for turning a blind eye to his friend and defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky allegedly raping children in Penn State facilities. Aware or not, that’s the man’s legacy. Trust me, I don’t want it to be his legacy, but I don’t think anything will ever happen to change it now that he’s gone.

And it’s a shame, because he’s still a hero to so many people, who will spend the rest of their lives defending him, despite still wanting the questions answered. After the jump, I have some reactions from the media and JoePa’s friends, as well as pictures from the Penn State student body’s tribute.

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When the final BCS rankings came out and revealed which two teams would be playing for the BCS Championship, a good majority of us responded with a collective, “Aw come on, not them again!” When LSU and Alabama played on Nov. 5, we witnessed a 9-6 overtime festival of snores. Last night, when they met again in the BCS Championship game… well, at least one of them scored a touchdown this time.

Make no mistake, Alabama put on a heck of a show, dismantling the nation’s top team to the tune of 21-0. I remember hearing one of the commentators say that this was the first time that the No. 1-ranked team had ever been blanked in a championship game, but I was also busy trying to convince the bartender to put on a hockey game so we could watch something more exciting.

I’ll give LSU coach Les Miles some credit, though. It is pretty ballsy to play in a National Championship game without a quarterback while running a sorority flag football offense. I’m sure Nick Saban appreciated it, too.

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While most of us are eagerly awaiting the most important bowl game of the year – the GoDaddy.com Bowl, obviously – some people are still apparently hung up on that BCS Championship Game that is taking place on Monday night in New Orleans. I mean, I guess if you’re into things like the No. 1 and 2 teams in the country playing each other to determine the season’s ultimate champion, then this game is alluring. But still – Arkansas State! Northern Illinois! A match made in heaven.

With all the hoopla surrounding Monday’s title game, it’s easy to lose track of everything that LSU and Alabama players and coaches have been up to, like, for instance, Nick Saban showing off his DERP cannon at practice. LSU coach Les Miles and his players took time away from their practice to visit the cancer ward of the Children’s Hospital of New Orleans yesterday, and I think that’s worthy of a hearty With Leather Solemn Nod of Respect.

And in return, I’d like to ask that both teams play one man short on defense so we’re not stuck with another 9-6 snorefest. Well, unless it gives us this again…

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Usually when a school in the deep south wants to insult a rival, they print out a bunch of stickers of Calvin from Calvin & Hobbes pissing on their logo or something and plaster them on the windows of their trucks, and an entire school of rednecks end up with a child urinating on their car forever and we move on with our lives. Unfortunately for the University of Alabama, some enterprising soul has decided to take the “lol look you got peed on” joshing to a weird, hate crimey place.

The report, from the unfortunately named UnicornBooty.com:

In preparation of their upcoming game against LSU on January 9, the University of Alabama is selling t-shirts promoting a hate crime. The plan is for thousands of Alabama Crimson Tide fans to flood Bourbon Street, home to some of the oldest gay watering holes in the country, dressed in t-shirts that read:

HEY HOMEAUXS – WE JUST BEAT THE HELL OUT OF YOU.

As if using violent assaults against LGBT victims as a pun to sell college football merchandise wasn’t bad enough, the printer’s French is also atrocious. Aux is already plural, and in no need of an S.

Thank goodness LSU’s mascot isn’t the “black” something, I guess.

The comments section of the mythical creature’s ass contains a conversation with someone claiming to be the creator of the shirt, rationalizing that he didn’t realize gay people would be offended by “hey faggot I’m going to murder you” and noting that the shirts are a response to some fans from a few years ago wearing “Alabama Fans Are Homeauxs” shirts to games. He’s very sorry. And while it’s pretty easy to believe a guy from Alabama could be super stupid instead of homophobic, it’s interesting to consider why a Louisiana team would think calling a Tuscaloosa team with a vaginal bleeding euphemism for a mascot “homos” with a Frenglish spelling is beyond me. I’m gonna stick with “he’s an inbred goon and thought this was hilarious”.

"So I'd like to stay another year and nail many, many attractive college girls."

If USC quarterback Matt Barkley enters the 2012 NFL Draft, he is a Top 10 draft pick, without a doubt. Depending on whether or not the Cleveland Browns decide if they’re content with Colt McCoy instead of selecting one of three seemingly sure-fire NFL QBs, he could even be a Top 5 pick. Of course we also need to see how the Top 10 unfolds, with so many terrible teams still jostling for position, but in my cold, dark heart, I know he was going to be a Miami Dolphin.

And then he had to be a big ol’ jerk and stay at school for his senior year.

Matt showed Kiffin an ornament he had made for him that had Barkley and Kiffin embracing after the USC-Colorado game in November, in which Barkley set the school’s single-game touchdown passes record. Below the picture, it read, “2011 Great Memories.”

Kiffin looked at the ornament hastily made out of cardboard and said, “That’s neat. Cool ornament, Matt.”

Barkley then said, “Turn it over, Coach.”

Kiffin had to read the hand-written inscription twice for the words to sink in: “One more year. To the memories next year.”

(Via ESPN LA)

My overwhelming disappointment aside, this is a bold but understandable choice by Barkley. On one hand, he loses the substantial payday he was guaranteed as one of the three franchise QBs – the others being Robert Griffin III and that Stanford kid nobody talks about – taken in the first round, but he doesn’t necessarily seem like a guy who is too worried about waiting another year for that coin.

On the other hand, he can help guide the Trojans out of their humiliating suspension by making a National Title run next year, and if they look anything like they did this season, the Trojans will definitely be in the thick of it. And that stinks, because nobody wants to see Lane Kiffin win.