Jags wide receiver and noted white athlete on drugs Matt Jones was arrested yesterday for violating terms of his drug treatment program. Jones tested positive for alcohol, violating the terms of the probation to which he agreed after being arrested for possession last July.

Terms of Jones’ drug treatment program call for participants to abstain from drugs and alcohol, and individuals are tested randomly for the substances. Positive results from Jones’ alcohol test came in late last week, and he appeared in court Monday to face Judge Mary Ann Gunn, who presides over the drug court, about the positive result.[...]

Jones’ entrance into the Washington County Drug Court stems from an incident last July in which Fayetteville police arrested the former first-round draft pick after seeing him inside a parked car allegedly cutting up cocaine with a Foot Locker discount card.

Jones had the choice of spending ten days in jail or six weeks in rehab. He chose jail, meaning that that Foot Locker card got him 75% time off. it’s a crafty move, really. It’s so much tougher to get laid in rehab.

|Florida Times-Union, via KSK|

Most of you remember former Falcons running back Jamal Anderson as the proprietor of the “Dirty Bird,” that variation of the Chicken Dance that was all the rage during Atlanta’s run to Super Bowl XXXIII. Anderson’s choreographic brilliance shone yet again over the weekend, this time in an Atlanta nightclub. This latest routine involves dropping to your knees, covering a nostril of your choice, and snorting a line of blow off the crapper with a white guy.

Anderson, 36, and Mark Daniel Hudson, 20, both of Duluth, were in the same stall inside the men’s room at Peachtree Tavern about 3 a.m. Sunday, snorting powder cocaine off the toilet tank, police spokesman Otis Redmond said…A tavern patron alerted an off-duty Atlanta police officer to possible illegal drug use inside the restroom, he said.

Jamal was booked for felony possession of cocaine and misdemeanor possession of marijuana. He was released on $6000 bond, so I guess he can go knock out whatever it was he was trying to get pumped up for at 3 am. Seriously, just go to bed, man. Or play Madden. Did you know you could create yourself in Madden and then play the game as you, Jamal? Imagine that, you as an NFL player. What a time for us to be alive.

[AJC, via The Smoking Section]

Jason Peter was an All-America at Nebraska before the Panthers made him their #1 draft pick in 1998.  His injury-plagued career lasted only four years… but his drug abuse alone should be able to land him in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  From Peter's new memoir:

When you swallow sixty Vicodin, twenty sleeping pills, drink a bottle of vodka, and still survive, a certain sense of invulnerability stays with you. When you continue to use drugs with the kind of reckless determination that I did, the limit to how much heroin or crack you can ingest is not defined by dollar amounts but by the amounts your body can withstand without experiencing a seizure or respiratory failure.

SI's Peter King followed up with an interview:

Vicodin. Ambien. Cocaine. Crack. Heroin. GHB, the date-rape drug. Lots of others I've never heard of… Nights and weeks with prostitutes so numerous … well, so numerous that his Madame at a high-rolling Manhattan brothel ran out of girls for him…

It got to the point, he told me, "where it was easier to buy five eight-balls of cocaine than it was to buy 500 Vicodin.'' That's what led to the rampant drug use.

That's what's so great about cocaine: you don't need a prescription.  Of course, it would be wrong to lionize Peter just because he took lots of drugs and used every whore in a brothel… but you've gotta admit, that sounds pretty cool.  Normal people don't survive that.  It's like they cross-bred Amy Winehouse with Secretariat.

plowing his car into a group of cyclists racing in the Matamoros-Bagdad Tour.  Whoa, Mexico to Iraq?  That's a pretty long bike race.  I hope they brought snacks.

Mexican police say 29-year-old Jesse Campos allegedly drove into a group of people participating in a bicycle race over the weekend. One person is dead [Note to self: read the whole story before making jokes] and several are injured in the Sunday morning accident…

Authorities told Mexican media that Campos admitted to using cocaine prior to the accident.

Why would you use cocaine before driving into a group of cyclists?  I have no idea.  But I guess it makes more sense than doing it after.

[YardBarker] 

Die-hard fans, longtime residents of the bloggerhood, and rakish tipster John will remember this '86 Mets video, which is considerably less gay than the '85 Seahawks video but still splendidly retarded.  It's pretty amazing that the 1980s versions of Darryl Strawberry, Dwight Gooden, and Joe Piscopo can all appear on screen in the same video, yet there's no one-gallon freezer bag of yayo to be seen anywhere.  And they went on to win the World Series. 

The lesson, as always: cocaine will help you succeed. 

Oh boy oh boy oh boy. From the Smoking Gun:

In a police interview following his arrest last week, Mike Tyson told cops he smokes cocaine that he packs into Marlboro cigarettes, is unable to roll his own joints, and gets "a little crazy" without the use of the antidepressant Zoloft.

Oh yes, friends, it's a doozy. You must read the whole thing to appreciate it. My favorite part comes at the end of Officer J.R. McKnight's report: 

I then thanked Mike for being cooperative, Mike said he was a pretty cool guy. I then told Mike that people in my town would start yelling at me. Mike then changed his voice and looked down at the ground saying, "Fuck you, I hate you, fuck you, dead beat, fuck you."

What a terrifying exchange that must have been. "Hey, thanks for cooperating instead of punching us into oblivion and eating our cartilage." "Yeah, I'm a pretty cool–RAWWRRR!!" Yikes. Sounds like somebody's ready for his Zoloft-pot-cocaine-cigarette cocktail… And by somebody, I mean me.