“Man, I wish this trophy was full of coke.”

Australian golfer Wayne Perske has been convicted by a Japanese court of using and possessing cocaine. Perske received a suspended sentence of one year and six months relating to a snorty, teeth-numbing incident last October when Perske, in Japan for the Bridgestone Open, was busted with 1.25 grams of yayo after a narc fellow patron at a bar in Chiba reported seeing Perske “inhaling” some nose candy to police.

Perske on Monday received a sentence of “one year and six months in prison, suspended for three years,” a Chiba District Court official said, adding that an amount of cocaine had also been confiscated.

Perske had admitted to having the drug, according to Japanese media.

The Mainichi daily on its website quoted judge Yasunobu Hosoya as saying in the ruling: “Professional sports players must tolerate the loneliness of being unable to see their families and the pressure of competing abroad.” [via]

Ah yes, the cocaine was confiscated, no doubt. Of course, “confiscated” translates to “Best. Night. Shift. Ever.” in Japanese police terminology. And it appears that the judge felt some semblance of pity for the Aussie, citing the “loneliness” and “pressure of competing abroad” as likely factors contributing to Perske’s dabbling in the “Snoot, snoot, whizz, whizz, oh, what a relief it is.” I can see that. It was definitely either those things or Perske really felt like blowing some rails after losing in the preliminary round of the tournament and having nothing else to do. Obviously, the concierge at the hotel didn’t tell him about all the Used Panties Vending Machines. Now talk about a time-killer. Hoo boy.

Iowa City police officers were conducting an investigation on 21-year old Brady Johnson near the University of Iowa this week when they uncovered quite the Hawkeyes football scandal. Police had already suspected Brady as a possible drug dealer, but they ended up arresting his roommate, Derrell Johnson-Koulianos (no relation). DJK, as Iowa fans love to call him, is the all-time leading receiver in Hawkeye football history, and now he’s facing drug charges, too.

DJK admitted to police that he had been using marijuana and cocaine, as well as many prescription drugs that were seized, all of which was later confirmed by a drug test. He also admitted that he was aware that Brady may have been selling out of their home. I assume he didn’t know for sure because he was retardedly high.

So what can I get for $10, Press-Citizen?

Police said they found cocaine, small quantities of marijuana and Pamoate, Diazepam, Hydromorphone Hydrochloride and Zolpidem Tartrate pills in Johnson-Koulianos’ bedroom. Pamoate is one of the two formations of Hydroxyzine, an antihistamine used to treat mild anxiety, insomnia, motion-sickness, itching and allergies and is known as an effective sedative and tranquilizer. Diazepam is used to treat anxiety, insomnia and seizures. Hydromorphone Hydrochloride is a narcotic analgesic which Johnson-Koulianos allegedly told officers he takes to help with pain, according to police. Zolpidem Tartrate is used to treat insomnia.

Jesus, is this a drug arrest or a NOFX song?

DJK faces four counts of possession of a controlled substance, two counts of unlawful possession of prescription drugs and keeping a drug house, of which the latter sounds like a great idea for a Charlie Sheen movie.

Stick around for a collection of athlete mug shots after the jump…

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Texas Rangers manager (for now) Ron Washington failed a test for cocaine in July of last year, according to a new online report. Washington apparently told the team after the fact that it was, according to the report, “a one-time transgression.” Uh huh.

“I did make a mistake and I regret that I did it,” Washington told SI.com by phone from Surprise, Ariz., on Tuesday night. “I am really embarrassed and I am really sorry.”

Washington declined to discuss the specific circumstances surrounding his decision to use cocaine because he didn’t want his family to hear about it in the media. “Any attempt to try to explain it is going to sound like excuses,” he said. “There is no right way to explain something wrong, and I did wrong. Was it tension? Maybe. Anxiety?”

He said he only did it once, and I totally believe him. And I love how he says he won’t make excuses, and then proceeds to make excuses. Washington reportedly notified the commissioner’s office before the results were known that, yeah, he was doing cocaine. Personally, I’m not worried; there are plenty of treatment options for people battling drug addition. Being stuck as manager of the Texas Rangers sounds like an even bigger problem. Hell, I’d be doing worse drugs than that if I had that job.

Giants linebacker and coke-snorting legend Lawrence Taylor did an interview with an independent show with the YES Network that was picked up by the New York Post, and Taylor’s conversation with Michael Kay has more than its share of gems. Emphasis added:

“The night before I retired, I realized that I wanted to do recreational drugs again. The recreational drugs turned into a full-time job.” His moment of clarity? “When the feds put the handcuffs on me,” L.T. said. “It comes in real clear — these are not recreational handcuffs.”

On being drug-tested back in his NFL days:

Taylor submitted a teammate’s sample when he failed his first drug test in 1987, he told the Yes network’s “Centerstage.” “Actually, it wasn’t my urine. I failed the drug test and he didn’t. I couldn’t believe it.” via, via.

Ah, testing in the pre-Whizzenator days. Those were such innocent times. That was back before they had all the damn PSAs on TV. These days, you can’t even enjoy a refreshing beer in the car on the way home. At least I can still text…

The jail term of a British woman started today after she was convicted of smuggling cocaine into England through her golf clubs. Authorities discovered about $150,000 US worth of cocaine in Kayti Dryer’s golf clubs when she returned home from the Caribbean.

‘When Dryer was asked questions about golf, it was clear that she was totally unfamiliar with the game and she had no legitimate reason for travelling with the sports equipment.[...]

An airport source said: ‘When asked about her handicap, she looked blank and asked them to repeat the question. They asked her again, she gave no response.

It’s not quite as clever as a golf club one can pee into, but it’s still crafty nonetheless. Though it wouldn’t hurt anyone if the drug mules actually played the part more convincingly. Well, the people that would eventually OD on coke would be hurt. I meant besides them. (via)

Look, I know it’s that chalk or talcum powder or whatever it is that keeps moisture off his hands and irritates the laptops of courtside beat writers everywhere. I understand that. But if you think I can watch this new Nike commercial–with a hyperactive puppet shooting white powder everywhere–and not make a connection to Snow White, you must be on something.

Doesn’t it remind you of that scene in American Gangster where they prepped the Blue Magic? All that’s missing is the naked women chopping it up. I didn’t know LeBron’s sponsors included the Republic of Colombia.