2:00 Eastern time. World Cup. USA-Ghana. DON’T F*CKING TREAD.
Okay, soccer haters. Go somewhere else for the next hour. This here post is to celebrate the best part of American soccer, Clint Dempsey.
The man they call Deuce scored the decisive goal in the 26th minute to give the US Men's National Team a 1-0 win over Guatemala in the first round of the Gold Cup. Dempsey also scored in a 4-1 friendly against China last weekend, and his goal against Liverpool last month kept his club Fulham from getting relegated from the Premiership. He also made Chuck Norris make out with a dude. He's honestly that much of a badass.
On the other hand, it was fucking Guatemala. That country's so poor they dream about illegally immigrating to Mexico.
I have a weakness that I don't like to admit: I actually like soccer. I know it's not cool to say things like that, but I played (not well, mind you) for a long time, so I have a soft spot in my cold, black heart for the game.
So I totally meant to watch yesterday's MLS Cup. I might not have an MLS team, but Clint Dempsey is my favorite player, and his New England Revolution were playing against the Houston Dynamo. Well, so maybe I would only watch the first part. I mean, the game started at 3:30, and the Seahawks came on at 4:15. But then the 1:00 Jets-Pats game had an exciting finish, and I kinda spaced, so I didn't watch a second of the MLS Cup. I guess that's the appeal of American soccer, huh?
Anyway, the Dynamo won the game after it went to penalty kicks, which is something you won't learn from David Hirshey's splendid account of the game. And if you've read Hirshey's post and this one, congratulations: you have just flushed away several valuable minutes of your life you'll never get back.