It’s hard being a Cleveland Indians fan in central Texas, but it has its perks; I was able to get a Cliff Lee Rangers jersey for eight dollars off the discount rack at Academy Sports. According to a report from ESPN, my next adventure in “supporting great players who play near me but left my favorite team years ago” could be New York Yankees pitcher and former Cy Young award-winning Tribesman C.C. Sabathia.

The Texas Rangers, likely to lose starter C.J. Wilson to free agency over the winter, are preparing to make a strong bid to sign CC Sabathia if the New York Yankees ace chooses to exercise the opt-out clause in his contract, a baseball source told ESPNNewYork.com.

“I hear they’re going to throw a boatload of money at him,” said the source, who requested anonymity.

I’m going to take a wild guess and say the anonymous source was “a guy on the Internet who follows baseball”. It’d be great if it was A.J. Burnett, unfolding some grand Machiavellian plot to usurp the Opening Day starter position. Regardless, the source goes on to say “no but I think he’ll stay in New York”, but I didn’t put that in the blockquote because 1) it undermines the entire point of the story, so I don’t know why ESPN chose to include it and 2) I would really like C.C. Sabathia to pitch for the Rangers. Nolan Ryan loves workhorse pitchers, and when Sabathia pitched in Milwaukee he was a feedbag away from making that figure of speech literal.

Now all we need to do is bring back Cliff Lee, get Cleveland to unload Grady Sizemore for 20 dollars and some A-leaguers (extremely likely, if you follow the Tribe) and put something racist on the hats and we’ll be all set.

Sports

It Almost Happened: Michael Jordan to the Clippers - I can’t hear “Jordan to the Clippers? It almost happened!” in anything but Phil Hartman’s Troy McClure voice. I wish this would’ve happened, just so I could’ve see the words GREAT CLIPS in big letters without having to get my hair cut. [Smoking Section]

Punte on The Wrestling Podcast - In case you think I’m turning With Leather into With Spandex (c’mon Uproxx, that’s a money idea), here’s the previous managing editor on TH’s wrestling podcast talking about wrestling. See? I’m not that weird. The best part is when they mention what a great job I’m doing! [The Wrestling Podcast]

Tony Dungy Picture Demands Captions - I was going to run this yesterday, but couldn’t come up with anything more clever than HE GAY. Obviously you want to go the Revenge of the Nerds route here, but I don’t even think Lamar would wear shorts like that. [Kissing Suzy Call-ber]

War Machine is Writing a Book - What’s next, a memoir from US Agent? [Cage Potato]

Cliff Lee’s Spit Capable of Extinguishing Forest Fires - Jon gets to the “super soaker where you had to wear a backpack” reference before I can. Cliff Lee is still my favorite baseball player, and the number three reason why I sort of root for the Phillies (numbers one and two being “Phillie Phanatic” and “my girlfriend” respectively). [SB Nation]

The Dugout: Meet the Daigles - People are telling me this is the “funniest Dugout in years”, and I’m flattered enough to #humblebrag about it here. I think the best names for boys is just nouns. [The Dugout]

Not Sports

Lindsay Lohan is Never Going to Jail For Real For Anything - Lohan escapes further arrest while technically being arrested, and I think she could reanimate and kill the body of Nicole Brown Simpson in front of everybody and still get away with it. And I’m in the minority, I don’t really care about foxy teen Lohan, but LOVE cracked-out, omnisexual, constantly smoking MILF version. [The Superficial]

Midnight in Paris is Bill and Ted for Liberal Arts Majors - Arguably Bill and Ted itself is Bill and Ted for liberal arts majors. Bogus Journey, definitely. Bogus Journey is the best, and if you haven’t watched it in 20 years, go back and do that now. The movie’s climax is FAKE BEARDS. [Film Drunk]

Winklevoss Twins Finally Give Up the Fight with Facebook - Brandon Stroud likes this. In an older joke, they should CGI two Tilas Tequila as the villains for the Myspace movie. [Uproxx]

Tom Hanks No Habla Espanol - His cries of “WILSON!” would’ve been less impactful if the’d been “wheel-SONE!” Tom Hanks is Woody AND Forrest Gump, he can speak whatever language he wants. Colin Hanks, however, should only speak Spanish. [Warming Glow]

One of the biggest fish in MLB free agency was finally reeled in last night; former Texas Rangers pitcher Cliff Lee signed with the Philadelphia Phillies for five years and either $100 million or $120 million, depending on who you’re asking. This was less than than what was put up by the New York Yankees, who offered six years and $132 million, all of which was guaranteed. And the Texas Rangers were in the hunt, too, but nobody really saw that happening.

The key here, obviously, is that under the Phillies deal, he could make a lot more money in year six if things go well for him than he would have if he took the Yankees’ deal, for he will be a free agent in year six rather than be “stuck” with a $22 million one-year deal.[..]

Ultimately, then, this was less an act of selflessness on Cliff Lee‘s part — less an act of giving it up to go back to Philly — than it was a gamble on himself.

–Hardball Talk.

One is left to wonder whether Yankees fans’ treatment of Lee’s wife during the ALCS two months ago played a factor in his decision. At least now Lee doesn’t have to worry about playing in a major metropolitan area with a fanbase of renowned unruliness (/sarcasm) while the Yankees can amaze the world with all the money they have to spend…just like the Phillies are doing now. But who cares? At least it’s not the Yankees!

Since it appears unclear that pitching ace Cliff Lee will pick his new team anytime soon, it’s worth noting on the last day of baseball’s winter meetings that Kansas City Royals pitcher Zach Greinke is being shopped by his team. Greinke’s stock has fallen slightly, but might find itself in the mix if the Yankees’ seven-year offer for Lee gets rejected.

Greinke, 27, slumped last season to 10-14 with a 4.17 ERA following his Cy Young-winning season in 2009. He is under contract for two more seasons at $13.5 million a year.

Royals officials readily acknowledge Greinke is only available at a steep price; they want two high-impact prospects – preferable a starting pitcher and a middle infielder or center fielder – and two prospects capable of playing a supporting role.

–KC Star.

Greinke’s qualified WHIP fell from first to 13th among AL starters (min. 200 IP), so he’s still a veritable bargain if he can be poached from a trade. Ah, those Royals. They’re like a farm team that plays against major league teams. I would know; I’m a Reds fan.

Texas Rangers pitcher and Yankee-killing mercenary Cliff Lee gave his team a 2-1 lead in the ALCS last night after totally skullf:cking the Yankees high-priced lineup. Lee took the mound to start Game 3 and went eight innings, striking out 13 and surrendering only two hits. And as if that wasn’t enough, the Rangers scored six runs in the ninth inning to lock up the win.

From a career of humble beginnings, he’s starting to run with men such as Koufax, as Gibson, as Hershiser. At 32, Lee reached his prime just as his ballclubs began reaching October, and the result is eight playoff starts, seven wins and a 1.26 ERA. Over three starts and 24 innings this postseason alone, he’s let in two runs, struck out 34 and walked one.

I get that if you want to field a team in New York City and expect people to come out to see it, you have to get elite talent, just like Broadway acquires the best stage actors, or how Skeezy Pete’s on 145th Street gets the finest hos. So I’m not bothered by the $200-million-plus payroll that the Yankees have. But that won’t stop me from waving that number in the faces of Yankees fans if their team doesn’t reach the World Series. Stop laughing, Phillies fan. You’re next…

Either Cliff Lee constantly smells like farts and vinegar or he is just a terrible person, because the former Indians, Phillies, and current Mariners pitcher seems to move more than Travis Henry’s sperm. The latest news on Lee is that he’s practically a Yankee – a done deal, as Buster Olney’s sources tell him. Olney writes that an “executive involved in the trade talks” claims it’s “just about done,” a statement that must have made several other GMs and team presidents say, “Oh really?”

While the addition of Lee to a rotation that already features C.C. Sabathia, A.J. Burnett, Phil Hughes, Andy Pettite and that other guy sounds pretty darn tootin’, it’s also not happening just yet. Other pundits are predicting that this New York media assumption that the best player available will be a Yankee should light a fire under one of the other teams desperate for Lee’s services. That’s not to be confused with Hyapatia Lee’s services, which once commanded $5,000 per hour at her peak.

Who else wants a piece of Cliff’s Lee?

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