Dear Cleveland, all of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers supporters wherever you may be tonight;

As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted last year, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier. He plays for the Miami Heat, and because the Heat lost the NBA Finals, Governor John Kasich has drafted a proclamation making the Dallas Mavericks, assumedly even the ones like Caron Butler, honorary Ohioans.

Ack, sorry, I can’t keep up the Comic Sans. Who types like that, honestly? Anyway, the Governor’s proclamation is more or less childish schadenfruede (can schadenfruede be childish? Do you have to enjoy the ill-will of a child?) and should be taken with a grain of salt. Although if I was Jason Kidd (or whoever), I’d move to Dayton (or wherever) and use this as an explanation for why I shouldn’t have to update my driver’s license. I enjoy a good Nelson Muntz-style NYAH HA as much as the next guy, and as someone who lived in Cleveland for four years and considered but ultimately decided against buying both LeBron James AND Shaq jerseys I should find this hilarious. And sure, I do, but not as much as if metropolitan Akron had just stepped back and smirked while LeBron baked in his own slightly-less-great-than-God agony.

Ohio should keep doing this and make Art Modell everyone who played ’97 Florida Marlins honorary Michiganians.

[Proclamation pic courtesy of OTB]

Remember yesterday when Zyrdunas Ilgauskas wrote a letter to the city of Cleveland, thanking them for everything they’ve done? Remember how classy of a move it was, and how he actually treated the city with respect and dignity? Well, LeBron James doesn’t. He wrote a letter of his own, but I think he got the address wrong. Instead of sending it to Cleveland, he sent it to Akron.

“For all my life, I have lived in Akron, and for that, I am truly a lucky man,” the letter read. “It was here where I first learned how to play basketball, and where I met the people who would become my lifelong friends and mentors. Their guidance, encouragement, and support will always be with me.”

“Akron is my home, and the central focus of my life. It’s where I started, and it’s where I will always come back to. You can be sure that I will continue to do everything I can for this city, which is so important to my family and me. Thank you for your support…you mean everything to me.”–USA Today

Akron was your home, Bron, now it’s Miami. Why didn’t you just thank Cleveland? You don’t have to mean it, but by just thanking the people who did appreciate you, even after you left, you become the bigger man. But far be it from anyone to expect you to actually be mature for once in your life. That’s as ridiclious as not getting your brakes checked at Midas! A joke which is explained after the jump.

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