Sometimes a gif says it all. Faustio Carmona had to run to first base during the Indians’ 3-1 win over the Reds on Saturday, and … well, have you seen the gif of the two dogs having sex? The one where they’re going at it, and the one dog gets so into it that he pukes on the dog he’s humping? That’s what happened during Fausto’s first ever attempt at running as a human adult. Click the image below to watch the full sized gif (courtesy of Mocksession) in action, as I guarantee it will be the most poignant, second-hand embarrassment you’ll experience all afternoon.

Oh. Oh no. I think the worst part is that his helmet falls off before he goes down. Fausto strained his right quadriceps muscle and will miss his next start, but all of that pales in comparison to the full-on personal crisis of looking like that in front of people.

“I didn’t watch [the replay],” he said Sunday morning, according to the Cleveland Plain Dealer. “I didn’t want to see it.”

Compare and contrast:

From 2002-2006, first baseman Ben Broussard kept it simple, putting a hex on The Tribe by batting .260 and handling Jhonny Peralta’s off-center lobs like fastballs from Shawon Dunston. Now he’s taking a more esoteric approach, causing Cleveland to lose seven of their last ten by being the brother of Megan Broussard, the lady in the middle of the “Anthony Weiner’s last name is ‘weiner’ and he sent a lady a bunch of pictures of his wiener” scandal, a scandal I like to call “Anthony-Gate.”

The Beaumont Enterprise uncovered (get it) the connection between the Broussards, both Beaumont natives. I know you guys hate it when real life issues interfere with your fantasy sports, so here’s a little hilarious recap from ABC News:

Broussard, who describes herself as disinterested in politics and previously unaware of Weiner, said that she has never met the congressman in person and doesn’t “think he’s a bad guy.” And, she said, she actively participated in “sexting” — as she has done frequently with other men online — with the man she presumed to be Weiner.

During one flirtatious Facebook chat last month, Broussard said, she issued the man on the other end a challenge.

“I asked him to take a picture and write ‘me’ on it so I would know,” Broussard said in an interview.

The reply, she says, came moments later.

They make sure to add a little woman-blaming, in case the Indians were still trying to win that f**king Central Division.

After Weiner, who’s married, admitted to texting sexual messages and photos to several women yesterday, Meagan was quick to pounce on her 15 minutes.

Ben Broussard’s Twitter has been inactive since June 2, and yes, I did not know Ben Broussard had a Twitter until I started writing this article. Maybe as the season goes on and Detroit wins more and more games, we’ll find out that Fausto Carmona is the guy that leaked the Blake Lively photos and that Travis Hafner is actually Tito Ortiz, which is why he’s always taking so much time off. I’m going to go ahead and blame this on Grady Sizemore for taking those cheesecake pictures of himself years ago and starting the Indians Sext Ball rolling. Somebody check Ben’s phone and make sure he hasn’t been sending dong pix to Madeleine Albright.

[H/T Busted Coverage]

Oh, hello, I didn’t see you there. Sorry, since about the middle of last night I’ve been dancing around in circles with a glitter wand, laughing and clapping my hands because (so far) this has been the best baseball season ever. The Tribe scored 19 runs to beat the second place Royals in front of a sellout Kauffman Stadium crowd of two midgets and a severed torso, and it was glorious. I can’t wait until we clinch the division, then move on to tackle steam-powered steroid digger Jose Bautista and his lookers-on in the playoffs.

The only words I know to “Oh Happy Day” are oh, happy and day, but I’m singing it anyway.

Sports

Tribe Offense Piles on 19 Runs to Rout Royals - In case you skimmed that opening paragraph, go read this game recap from a guy who has my dream job: writing about the Indians killing the Royals. Actually, I think my dream job would be writing about the Indians killing the Yankees, but I think it’s the same job. Oh who am I kidding, my dream job is being Lee South and taking cheesecake photos of wrestling girls. Or possibly being Winnie the Pooh at Disney World. [Indians.com]

The 20 Ugliest Caps Licensed By Major League Baseball - This made me laugh out loud, if only for how much I could identify. I don’t think the Tribe hat featured here is ugly, necessarily, but I will be in the cold, dead ground before I wear a baseball hat that isn’t proper baseball team colors. Come for the racism, stay for “Funky Dopetastic.” [SBN]

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Most of the time The Dugout is intended as comedy, but now that I’m in charge of With Leather I am extremely interested in turning The Dugout into a marketable brand. That means an emphasis on new media, a reworking of the strip’s basic content, and the integration of serious, analytical game recaps. What you’re about to read is the first of those, wherein I forget the comedy and just recap what happened in the 9th inning of Tuesday’s game at Progressive Field.

This is simply copy and pasted from last night’s live blog, so if you missed it, here’s your chance to relive an essentially meaningless mid-May match-up between a team who is probably not going to be this good at the end of the season and the CLEVELAND INDIANS. Today’s play-by-play blog follows.

Note: A special thanks goes out to Pat of Where Have You Gone Andy Van Slyke? for winning my “give Kelly Shoppach a screen name that hopefully isn’t about shopping” Twitter contest.

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Shin-Soo Choo of the Cleveland Indians became the sixth Major League Baseball player to be arrested for drunk driving in 2011 on Monday, and thankfully I can report that he didn’t resist arrest and stab or be stabbed by his wife. The Korean born Indian managed to fulfill two cultural stereotypes by driving badly and being drunk at the same time.

The ball club is taking the “this is America” approach to the news.

“I talked to him. He’s human, just like every one of us,” Indians manager Manny Acta said. “He made a mistake. We all make mistakes. The main thing is he’s learning from it. He’s very remorseful. He’s a guy I’m not going to look at any differently because of that. He’s a great kid, very high character and we’re moving on.”

Choo was actually pulled over twice — the first time he was sent on his way after explaining he was lost and needed directions. He was pulled over a second time when he twice crossed the double-yellow lines and drifted into a bike path, so thank goodness nobody in Cleveland rides a bike. He was unable to complete a field sobriety test, causing passersby to assume he was hopped up on goofballs. A breathalyzer showed he had a blood-alcohol level of .201, which is more than double Ohio’s legal limit of .08, but slightly lower than the average Ohio driver.

Meanwhile, Milton Bradley got thrown out at first and ended up fined and suspended. So, I mean.

I promise that I want to get something up on the site today that isn’t a weekend recap or a picture of Osama Bin Laden with OBAMA’D in big white letters at the bottom, but today is officially Did You Hear About Osama Day in America. Maybe if I was blogging from Kenya I could report futbol news and a funny video of a busty lady tripping and falling down while crossing the veldt, but no, baseball happened and then we killed a guy.

This week’s Baseball is Boring takes a xenophobic approach to the national pastime, wherein I resort to a combination of CTRL+X and CTRL+V for my USA chants and question the authenticity of Jose Bautista’s birth certificate. I’m sorry, his steroids certificate.

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