Indians outfielder Grady Sizemore is what passes for a sex object in Cleveland. Actually, anything that’s not covered with staph makes for quality enticement of horniness up there. Hey, if people were actually getting laid up there, they wouldn’t have had time to set their river on fire. Yes, we know that was 40 years ago. No, we don’t care.

Anyway, Sizemore had his elbow scoped earlier this morning [it was inflamed or some crap like that], but he goes back under the knife next week to fix his athletic publagia, which is just as boner-stifling as it sounds.

It is a syndrome characterized by chronic groin pain in athletes and a dilated superficial ring of the inguinal canal. Soccer and ice hockey players are affected most frequently, and both recreational and professional athletes may be affected. A hernia cannot be found on physical examination or medical imaging, and is not revealed during surgery. The term hernia thus is a misnomer, but has persisted… Wiki.

So it’s a sports hernia, which apparently is not a hernia at all. Either way, sounds awesome…ly bad. Man, athletes in Cleveland can’t catch a break. If the city had an NHL team, the rink would melt and half the team would drown. But that would clear the evening for indoor waterskiing, which is the best kind of waterskiing there is. Aside from, you know, outdoor waterskiiing. That’s a little better. Read the rest of this entry »

Here’s your baseball post for June: The Indians had the first walkoff seagull-poaching of 2009 after…if I can read the card here…Shin-Soo Choo hit a line drive in short center that bounced off a bird and eventually drove in the winning run. Cleveland tagged Kansas City Royals ace Zack Greinke (OMG! ZACK GREINKE!) for three earned runs, two of which were given up after Greinke left the game. His ERA has swelled to a portly 1.72 on the year, with grotesquely obese WHIP of 0.99. Disgusting.

Brewers co-ace CC Sabathia wanted to send a message of thanks to the fans of his former team, the Cleveland Indians. And because the average baseball fan is 60-years-old, which jibes nicely with the demographics of the typical newspaper reader, it made sense to pay $12,870 to couch that benevolent gesture as a black-and-white ad inside today's Cleveland Plain Dealer sports section. 

It's from the Sabathias — CC, his wife, Amber, and their children — thanking the community for 10 very good years.

"You've touched our lives with your kindness, love and generosity. We are forever grateful!" reads the copy in the $12,870 black-and-white ad.

"Also, the complimentary cocktail wienies in the clubhouse were superb. Couldn't have been more savory. And when fans pelted me with popcorn when I was struggling in the early part of the season? Well, they only threw the saltiest, more flavorful kernels. And, for that, thanks!" 

As you can see from the photographic evidence presented here, Daisuke Matsuzaka pitched last night, earning the win in Boston's 11-2 Game 7 victory over the Indians in the ALCS. 

Despite the score, most of the game was close and nail-biting or whatever.  Indians starter Jake Westbrook was hit hard each of the first three innings but was bailed out by double plays before the Sox could put together a significant rally.  The Indians climbed back into the game, almost tying it in the seventh before the Sox got their own rally-killing double play. In the bottom of the inning, Dustin Pedroia (3-for-5 with three runs and 5 RBI last night) launched a two-run homer that gave Boston some breathing room.  Then Papelbon, six runs in the 8th, blah blah recap, champagne and celebrating.  You know the drill.

The Red Sox seem to be getting a lot of credit for winning three straight games after being down 3-1 in the series (Just like 2004! Kind of!), but keep in mind that the Indians put together a pretty solid choke job to help them out.  The Tribe got outscored 30-5 in Games 5, 6, and 7.  That's pretty impressive.  You just don't see an entire team mail in consecutive games like that too much these days.

So it'll be Rockies versus Red Sox starting Wednesday in Boston.  (The Red Sox have home-field advantage, of course, thanks to Ichiro Suzuki's outstanding play in one game three and a half months ago.) Who to root for — the red-hot God-fearing underdogs, or the no-longer-cursed juggernaut with the charming fans?  Answer: football!

Hey look! Back to back posts about Tribe pitchers! I can tell you're excited sexy readers, as are the denizens of Red Sox nation who've watched their beloved nine return from a 3 games to 1 deficit to even the ALCS.  Fausto Carmona pitched his way to a robust ERA of 31.50 for the outing as the Carmine hitters unfairly waited for him to throw strikes and then hit grand slams when he did.  What did Fausto expect? A happy ending?  That's not likely when you're named after two of the greatest operatic tragedies in history.  Sticking random vowels at the end of your name won't change the fact that you're screwed in the final act.  Anyway, here's some highlights from the game: 

Ah, the non-ephemeral comedy of Adam Sandler has a timeless quality, doesn't it? (For more ALCS videos click here and here.) -KD

In an exclusive interview with Fox Sports, Cleveland Indians' pitcher Paul Byrd admits to taking doctor-prescribed human growth hormone as recently as 2005 for a tumor on his pituitary gland that caused him to have sleeplessness.  In his upcoming book, The Free Byrd Project, he writes:

"Even though there were good things like my time with God that came out of my aloneness in the night, the sporadic periods of fatigue and lack of sleep have really bothered me on the baseball field. Chronic sore throats, an inability to recover and throw bullpens and times of tiredness have all affected while standing on the mound. At the insistence of a close friend, I went and had my hormones checked . . . To my surprise, the doctor told me that I was producing very little growth hormone and prescribed a dosage to help me out. I didn't like sticking a needle in my inner thigh each night but I sure did enjoy the sleep that occurred afterwards. My life changed during that time and I was able to work out more, experience less fatigue and recover quicker from pitching."

Hmm, the effects of HGH sound like heroin. And it adds MPH to your fastball, too?  Aspirin my ass, this is the real wonder drug.

"I wondered if I doubled my prescribed dose, whether or not I would throw harder and have a better and possibly longer career. After all, I had a prescription. Some strange silent voices ran across my brain and had conversations with me as I pulled back the syringe. I remember having thoughts that doing better on the field could mean more money for my family, my charities and even supporting churches. Then I prayed and realized that God was in control of my life and he wouldn't want me making money through cheating the system."

Unless God has a "special interest" in the game, right?  I bet even the Father Almighty uses a bit of inside information when transacting business with heavenly bookmakers. -KD