Who's ready to f*ck up two lottery picks?

The Cleveland Cavaliers won the first pick in the 2011 NBA Draft last night, and Dan Gilbert and Co. are now on the clock to most likely select Duke point guard Kyrie Irving in what many are I’m calling one of the worst drafts in NBA history. But the Cavs have a great chance to rebuild in the post-LeBron era with the top pick and the No. 4 pick, with which they’ll probably select a big European player, because that’s what this draft looks like. However, it’s Dan Gilbert we’re talking about and he doesn’t need to rebuild, because his Cavs will win a championship before LeBron James and the Miami Heat, who you can watch tonight in Game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals, which is the last round before the NBA Finals, after which a team wins a championship, in case Dan is confused.

Playoff semantics aside, Dan sent his 14-year old son Nick, who suffers from neurofibromatosis, as the team’s ambassador to David Stern’s lip-craving butt, and Minnesota Timberwolves general manager David Kahn used Nick’s presence to air his thoughts on the Lottery selection process.

Read the rest of this entry »

The Cleveland Cavaliers offered Ted Williams (the other one) an announcing gig when he shot to fame with a viral YouTube video, and now that a little bit of time has passed and everyone has forgotten it, they can take it back. The story of Williams’ God-given gift of voice broke earlier this year, and in Internet time it might as well have happened in the 1700s alongside the birth of our nation, the invention of the cotton gin, and What What In The Butt.

It turns out the Cavs made an offer to a homeless stranger without realizing he was, uh, homeless. From the News-Herald:

The bum turned star isn’t working for the Cleveland Cavaliers. They famously offered him a deal after his YouTube video went viral, without realizing the long resume of drug abuse and criminal activity he’s provided society over the years as a derelict.

I guess somebody being homeless is only okay if you don’t know why they’re homeless. To the Cavs’ credit, Williams did sort of shoot himself in the foot by doing a bunch of drugs, getting detained by police for shouting at his daughter in a hotel, and getting talked down to by Dr. Phil in minute maybe two-and-a-half of his fame. He lost his macaroni commercial, he lost a few teeth, and now this.

In a related story, the Cavs also took back the organ player offer they made to Keyboard Cat after finding out he’s a real cat and can’t actually play the keyboard.

As the Cleveland Cavaliers prepare to close the book on a season to forget, they managed to pull off the one defeat their fans wanted more than anything this season with a 102-90 win over the Miami Heat last night. The Cavs led by as many as 23, but the Heat were in it thanks to a triple double for LeBron James and a slew of three-pointers from Mike Bibby. Dwyane Wade had a few heated exchanges with LeBron’s old team, and Chris Bosh fell down go boom ouchies while only adding 10 points.

While this was just their 15th win of the season, the Cavs can take comfort in knowing they didn’t make it easy for the Heat to move into second place in the Eastern Conference standings, as Miami remains in third and a half game back of the Boston Celtics. As for losing to his former team, James played it cool.

“Anytime we play anybody, we know we’re going to get the best out of them,” James said. “They came out and played extremely well. It was a good win for them.”

As for the Cavs players…

“This was for the fans and for their support,” Cavs guard Daniel Gibson said. “They’ve stayed behind us and this was a way of saying thank you.” (Via CBS Sports)

I think a better thank you would have been any of the Cavs playing like they had testicles when the teams first met in Cleveland back in December, but I guess you take what you can get.

Read the rest of this entry »

Nobody played the point like Douche Dog.

I will admit, the Miami Heat had me scared that I’d be eating my words yet again. But Kevin Durant and the Oklahoma City Thunder finally put an end to their woes against LeBron James-led teams and defeated Miami 96-85 last night. And of course this now means that the Heat’s detractors have all the fuel they need for the remainder of the regular season to remind James, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh that they are not as good as the 2009-10 Cleveland Cavaliers. Even if the Heat win the rest of their regular season games, they would still finish one game behind James and the Cavs, who led the NBA with a 61-21 record last season. I believe it was Sigmund Freud who once said, “Womp womp.”

Durant led the way with 28 points and Russell Westbrook chipped in 18, while Wade and Bosh scored 21 each, and James had 19. Wade provided the biggest highlight of the night – an easy Play of the Year contender, according to my Heat friends who went crazy on Facebook – with a two-handed dunk over Kendrick Perkins early in the game, but he unfortunately didn’t go for the Rock and Jock 11-point rim. All things considered, this is probably the best thing that could happen to the Heat, because they seem to play much better when everyone is pouring on the criticism. Hell, if I were Erik Spoelstra, I’d egg Stan Van Gundy’s house and slash his tires. Then I’d get a haircut.

Highlights after the jump…

Read the rest of this entry »

While just 4-6 in their last 10 games and slipping into the third seed in the Eastern Conference playoff scenario, the Miami Heat are now 2-0 since I imposed my “Win 18 in a row or else” law on them last week. I said the Heat couldn’t win against both the Los Angeles Lakers and the deceptively hot Memphis Grizzlies and they threw it back in my adorable face. Now the Heat face their biggest game of the season – IMO, as the Internet folk like to say – tonight in a rematch against the NBA’s best team, the San Antonio Spurs.

Back on March 4, the Spurs handed the Heat and their Three Kings their worst loss of the season with a 125-95 drubbing that makes a prison shower seem inviting. But Miami’s Two and a Half Superstars are more than likely going to be without center Zydrunas Ilgauskas tonight, as he was hospitalized with a foot infection. Meanwhile, Chris Bosh is averaging 21 points per game since being diagnosed with a yeast infection. I mean over the Heat’s two-game winning streak. Sorry, I got my thoughts mixed up.

So the question remains – can the Heat win 16 more games to match the regular season record of LeBron James’ 2009-10 Cleveland Cavaliers? And I have your answer after the jump…

Read the rest of this entry »

That Tweet above earned Fort Worth Star-Telegram writer Dwain Price a Top Tweet on Sunday (I have five to my record, but who is counting?) and his statement is now moot, because with the Miami Heat’s 105-96 loss to the Portland Trail Blazers at home last night, it is now impossible for LeBron James’ South Beach talents to finish with a better regular season record than his 2009-10 Cleveland Cavaliers. With 18 games left on the schedule, the Heat would have to win all of them to match the Cavs’ 61-21 record from last year. And with the resurgent Los Angeles Lakers and the red hot Memphis Grizzlies up next, I’m going to assume that’s not happening.

So as the Heat have dropped five straight, coach Erik Spoelstra admitted to the media that his players cried after losing to the Chicago Bulls on Sunday and then blamed the media for reporting it, and Orlando Magic coach Stan Van Gundy is suddenly praised for his remarks about the Heat, it appears to be time to ask the big question – did LeBron make the wrong decision by choosing the Heat over staying in Cleveland and fulfilling his promise of winning a championship? And while the immediate answer is no, because he still has 18 games left to at least tie the Cavs’ NBA-best regular season record last year – oh, and the playoffs, of course – the question is going to be raised by everyone now. I’m just trying to prepare you.

Highlights of last night’s game after the jump…

Read the rest of this entry »