"RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE COMIC SANS!"

Yesterday, NBA Players Union President Derek Fisher finally took a major step forward in not only the public relations war but in the general process of ending the NBA Lockout. Fisher wrote and sent a letter to every player – and of course someone passed it along to Sports Illustrated’s Sam Amick – and the letter basically declared that two parties were to blame for the lack of progress in solving this whole mess – the owners and agents. Cue the dramatic chipmunk.

Fisher’s letter explained that there was a huge, unmentioned rift among the owners and that was the reason that they couldn’t establish a jumping off point in solving the collective bargaining agreement. The players then spent most of the day meeting in Las Vegas, after the owners had their most recent meeting on Tuesday. Now it is being reported that the owners rift is real and that we can thank Phoenix Suns owner Robert Sarver and Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert for everything.

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It looks like Terrelle Pryor is going to be making that face for while. He’s finally been allowed into the NFL … but not really.

From a breaking report currently destroying Twitter, by way of the Associated Press:

Former Ohio State quarterback Terrelle Pryor was declared eligible for Monday’s NFL supplemental draft but must sit out the first five games after he signs a contract.

The NFL announced Thursday he was eligible, along with five other players. Pryor gave up his final season with the Buckeyes following an NCAA investigation into the football team’s memorabilia-for-cash scandal. He would’ve had to sit out five games at Ohio State if he had chosen to return to school.

The league informed clubs that Pryor “made decisions that undermine the integrity of the eligibility rules for the NFL draft.” Among those, the league said, was his failure to cooperate with the NCAA and hiring of an agent in violation of NCAA rules.

Is it weird to anybody else that the NFL can suspend somebody who doesn’t play in the NFL?

“God bless and thanks for support!” Pryor wrote on his Twitter page. “Time to have a little fun!!” At no point does Pryor point out that Brandon Marshall was only suspended for one game on a domestic violence charge, but he’s got to sit five because he sold and traded things. He doesn’t mention how deep the various college football scandals are starting to run, and that if everyone who got a perk or a wad of cash or a free gift when they were supposed to be a pro bono athlete had to sit five games we’d see more action in a lockout.

He doesn’t mention how great of an idea it would be for the Cleveland Cavaliers to draft him and forever sign him away from a sports organization that would punish him for not being punished enough in college.

Ohio State has had a fantastic first half of 2011, from the firing of Jim Tressel to the forfeiting of an entire, Sugar Bowl-winning 12-1 season. The second half of the year is all about penance and proving their sincere adherence to Ohio and its culture, so it should come as no surprise that the school is one of three to have signed a deal making them an official part of the LeBron James Brand™. The South Florida Sun-Sentinel first reported Saturday that Ohio State would join Kentucky and Miami as the first three teams to specifically represent LeBron lebranded Nike gear, which should end up looking a lot like Michael Jordan’s, only without any rings. As accessories, I mean. Miami makes sense, Kentucky makes sense because of John Calipari, and Ohio State makes sense because they have no f**king clue what they’re doing anymore.

Of course, OSU has been supporting LeBron and sporting a LeBron logo since before that was a hangable offense, and Ohio State wins a lot so they’re the one Ohio-area sports team LeBron didn’t completely insult and abandon. And yeah, you can leave me a comment to tell me I’m a “hater” or whatever, but I don’t care about the Cavs or The Decision, I’m still pissed about him wearing a Yankees hat to an Indians game.

Anyway, Cleveland is of course already writing newspaper editorials about how Ohio State is tone-deaf to the state’s dislike of this guy, but honestly is there anything more “Ohioan” right now than not being able to shut up about LeBron James? It’s right there next to Jojo potatoes and flammable bodies of water. Bill Livingston of The Plain Dealer is impassioned in his response to the announcement, but he’s missing one important point:

But THE Ohio State University? Are they kidding?

Actually, OSU basketball players have worn “L23″ insignia since 2007 on their uniforms. During much of that time, James was a Cavalier and a non-quitter.

I don’t know if Bill watched those years when LeBron lead the Cavaliers into the playoffs, but they didn’t exactly end with LeBron valiantly battling the flu and pulling out a victory in the clutch. LeBron is the same guy, he’s just wearing a shirt we hate. If the LeBron Brand overtakes college sports, Cleveland isn’t going to have anyone to root for.

Man, I wish they had a baseball team.

[h/t The Dagger]

When the Cleveland Cavaliers selected Duke guard Kyrie Irving with the No. 1 overall pick at this year’s NBA Draft, they may or may not have known that Irving was having some girl issues. Back in March, the sleuths at Black Sports Online discovered that Irving was involved with a girl named Jessica Jackson – calling herself Miss Hawaii on Twitter – but to what degree they knew each other was a mystery. So buckle up because we’re heading on a non-stop ride to Crazyville.

Jackson claimed that her and Irving first met through Twitter (when will people learn?) and began exchanging text messages, phone calls and Skype sessions, and since I don’t want to drag this out with boring details, she claimed it was all very sexual. Then something went wrong, and Jackson began publicly accusing Irving of harassing her to the point that she had to file a police report. So even though she claimed to be letting the law handle her problems, she went ahead and released images of their alleged texts and Twitter messages.

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It’s finally over, friends. Possibly one of the worst, if not the worst, NBA Drafts in recent memory. The Cleveland Cavaliers ended weeks of speculation that they would either make Duke’s Kyrie Irving the No. 1 pick in this year’s draft or they would keep pretending like they were going to take Derrick Williams by selecting Irving. Meanwhile, the Minnesota Timberwolves managed to screw up the incredibly simple task of trading the No. 2 pick of Williams, a player they don’t need, for assets they do need and future picks. And there were plenty of trades that made little sense, European players we’ve never heard of, jackass fans booing every single pick, and a second round full of guys we will never hear from again. Ah yes, the glorious NBA Draft.

Now I’m no expert by any means, and I’m often wrong when it comes to projections and theories. But I have become quite a big NBA fan over the past few seasons, so I’m learning. And I think that this draft was an exceptional learning tool for the fan like me, learning to love a sport that has never been kind in parity, while also being completely aware that the league is locking out in 6 days. So I had some thought while watching this draft and I thought that I might share them. What can I say? I’m a generous lover.

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Middle school is officially over: Shaquille O’Neal is retiring.

In a very Shaq kind of way, the former Most Valuable Player and four-time NBA Champion (and magical genie) announced his retirement via a Twitter post linking to a video (which you can watch here) that cuts out after about 10 seconds to reveal Shaq singing the backing vocals for the “When Doves Cry” breakdown. That’s really the best way for Shaq to go, isn’t it?

Of course, announcing something like this on Twitter means that almost anyone who’d be reading a site like this as news already knows, so these HEY GUYS SHAQ JUST SAID HE’S RETIRING posts are mostly for a reflection on the man’s career, and the borderline psychopathic undertones it carried for almost 20 years. In his career, Shaq:

1. Released multiple rap albums despite nobody wanting him to
2. Winning a Razzie for Worst Actor by putting on a suit of armor in a Superman spinoff
3. Had a test of strength-ish showdown with The Big Show on WWE Raw
4. Had his own Sega Genesis game about how great he was at karate
5. Got spanked by Tracy Morgan on Saturday Night Live
6. Boxed Oscar de la Hoya for absolutely no reason

…and that doesn’t begin to touch his accomplishments on the court, including 15 all-star selections, rookie of the year, three Finals MVP awards and a couple of Olympic Gold medals. How do you tribute this guy? He has a colossal Superman bed and he’s almost 40 years old. He’s a living tribute to himself, isn’t he?

We’ll miss you, Shaq, whether we liked you or not. Because we all kind of liked you.