Goodness, Cleveland. Have you no pride? The Cleveland Cavaliers were up as many as 27 points against the unstoppable Miami Heat in the Quicken Loans Arena last night, before they eventually rolled over and died. The Heat won their 24th consecutive game – nine games shy of the NBA record set by the 1971-72 World Champion Los Angeles Lakers – as they ripped off a 45-14 run to overcome the deficit for a 98-95 victory and allow LeBron James to once again make the Cavs look foolish.

And it could have ended there, with the Cavs and their miserable fans once again burning James’ jerseys in the streets, but one fan dared to do what no one before him ever imagined – he begged James to come back to Cleveland. Wearing a homemade shirt that read, “2014 Come Home”, a fan sprinted on to the court during last night’s game, asking the once-King of Akron to consider opting out of his contract next season, coming back and fulfilling a promise of winning a title in the saddest sports town in America.

Good luck with that.

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Last week, we shared with you an unbelievable Kate Upton GQ cover and photo-shoot somebody wonderful green-lit even after Terry Richardson showed up with nothing but “wet t-shirt, popsicle” written in his Ideas Notebook. We assumed this would be the finest piece of sports (related) reporting in 2012, but we were mistaken.

That honor will go to Felesia M. Jackson of Cleveland’s The Plain Dealer for her real-time news piece entitled ‘About the NBA draft: PDQuotient’. I can’t add anything to it, so here’s the epic work reproduced in its entirety:

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I apologize in advance for all the “crazy reaction to LeBron winning a championship!” and crying children videos we’re probably going to share today. It’s the only thing happening. Bud Selig could be assassinated by Jose Canseco and my inbox would still be full of, “check out Erik Spoelstra Gatorade bath autotune remix”.

Anyway, my favorite of these so far is Cleveland’s News Channel 5 Chief Meteorologist Mark Johnson absolutely losing his shit because “heat” and “thunder” are weather terms he can’t escape. If you’re worried about people jumping on the “I always wanted LeBron to have a ring” bandwagon, this guy’s Network moment will ease your mind. THESE CHAMPIONSHIP WINS ARE DIRTY AS HELL, AND HE’S NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE.

I feel your pain, Mark. I really do. Video is after the jump.

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With Spandex celebrates its milestone sixth episode by welcoming a very special guest, the second most famous man to wear an UPROXX network-related t-shirt in public, former NXT season 4 rookie and current WWE Smackdown superstar Derrick Bateman.

The timing couldn’t be better, as the epic 60+ week run of NXT Redemption has finally come to an end (with Bateman winning by default?). On the podcast we discuss some of Derrick’s favorite memories from the show, his experiences living and wrestling in beautiful Cleveland, Ohio, his “Indy No Mercy mod” of the greatest wrestling game of all time and cap things off with a dramatic reading of some Derrick Bateman fan fiction. At one point a guy on a really loud motorcycle drives by while we’re taping. It’s fun for everyone!

After you’re done listening, make sure to follow the Cadillac Of A Man @DerrickWWE, like him on his WWE Universe Facebook page and cheer for him when he shows up on TV, be it in a winning effort against Titus O’Neil or losing to the Funkasaurus in roughly a minute. Oh, and watch NXT. He’s an absolutely top-shelf future superstar and deserves your support. If you don’t agree, I’ve provided a few select videos in the notes section below.

Subscribe to With Spandex on iTunes here: With Spandex on iTunes

RSS Feed: feed://withleather.uproxx.com/tag/with-spandex/feed

Direct download of the episode here: With Spandex Episode 6 – Derrick Bateman

Podcast notes:

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k, what do spies do?

From ESPN‘s Adam Schefter today come two revelations about Peyton Hillis, one surprising, one not so much. It turns out the Cleveland Browns give Peyton about as much of a sh*t as he gives them, and at the end of last season Hillis was considering retiring to take a job with the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency.

Do what now?

The Browns have made the decision not to use their franchise tag on running back Peyton Hillis, according to a source familiar with the situation.

Throughout the past season, Hillis has wavered about whether he wants to continue playing football, and even considered joining the CIA, according to team sources.

It is unclear if he actually pursued a career with the CIA.

I’ve heard some strange contract negotiations in my day, but “I’m prob’ly gonna just monitor world issues for a living and prob’ly shoot some dudes” has got to be the worst, and Peyton Hillis doesn’t even have the intestinal fortitude to follow through with his dumb pipe dreams. So where does that leave us? With a giant depressed Barney Rubble who can’t (or won’t) play at the level expected of him who may or may not decide in the middle of next season to ditch practice and enroll in clown college?

“If we can work something out with Peyton we will,” [Browns general manager Tom] Heckert told ESPN.

“But whatever.”

But the question remains: Are the Cleveland Indians “for real”?

Okay, so a one-and-a-half game lead in the AL Central might not constitute “awesome”, but watching Travis Hafner crush a ball into right field to defeat the Toronto Blue Jays and give the Tribe their second walk-off grand slam victory of the season felt that way. Blogs great and small have been asking that “are the Cleveland Indians an actual baseball team” question since the first week of the season and chances are they’ll be asking it well into September. If the Indians are three outs away from winning game four of the World Series to sweep the Phillies (or the Pirates, or whoever) the announcers will be on their Twitters, asking followers if now is the time to consider Cleveland a contender.

IT IS TIME TO DO THAT NOW. It is five past Tribe Time.

I’ve been watching this video over and over for the last half hour, so I thought I’d put it up on my website, where I could at least get a little traffic, and maybe a disgruntled Toronto fan stopping by to point out how the Jays play in the AL East and the Tribe plays in a ball pit with some kids dressed like the Twins. That’s true. It’s also true that we’ve got three months left in the season, and Cleveland could still finish 14 games behind the Tigers. It’s true that Cleveland is a terrible town full of terrible sports fans who still aren’t supporting their team and won’t buy an Indians shirt until they’re in the ALDS, but I love them all, dammit, and I am totally and completely expecting four-to-five more walk-off grand slams before the season is over.

Now isn’t the doldrums of sports fandom, folks. Now is the best.