I like Will Ferrell.  I'm sure if I saw Semi-Pro I'd laugh a couple times even if he's just doing the same thing he's done in all his other sports movies.  But this non-stop viral cross-marketing has got to stop.  There's the SI swimsuit thing with Heidi Klum, the ESPN Bill Walton interview with Ferrell dressed as Moon (but speaking as Ferrell), and now this:

In an all-out effort to snap a losing streak to the Harlem Globetrotters that is more than 37 years long, Washington Generals Owner Red Klotz has offered a one game contract to flamboyant player/coach Jackie Moon of the Flint Tropics.

The 6-5, 215 lb. Moon, widely known for his signature teardrop move, has been tendered a one-game offer of $100,000 to play for the Generals when they take on the Globetrotters on Sunday, March 9, at the Wachovia Center, in Klotz’s home city of Philadelphia.

I get it, okay?  The movie comes out tomorrow.  But don't write press releases/news stories that treat a famous actor's character as a real person.  If you want to operate under the conceit that Jackie Moon is a real person and an ABA pioneer, guess what?  He's now in his late 50s and he's not going to help your stupid sideshow basketball team.  Just say, "Will Ferrell's gonna play for the Generals as Jackie Moon."  I don't want my press releases to exchange knowing winks with me.  That's reserved for the guys at the truck stop off Exit 37.

If you like Gary Busey, children with cancer, ridiculously fake-looking fight scenes, and not an extra cent wasted on production, the new mixed martial arts movie Beyond the Ring is just for you!  Lance Martini of FilmDrunk says:

Also starring Tae Kwon Do champ André Lima, Beyond the Ring tells the story of a little girl with cancer and the sweaty men who kick each other’s face to save her.  It’s a heartwarming story of triumph of the will, and modern-day gladiators who'll kill for money and fame.

This has to qualify for some kind of record for crappiness.  It actually makes me miss the days of Van Damme pretending to be a martial arts expert and Schwarzenegger pretending to be an Anglophone.

As noted by the 18 people who emailed me about it (as well as the outstanding FilmDrunk) manly hunk Jake Gyllenhaal will play Joe Namath in a forthcoming biopic about the legendary Jets quarterback.

Namath OK'd the movie after… the belief that the athletic Gyllenhaal was the right actor to play him.  While other quarterbacks racked up bigger lifetime stats, Namath became the first football player to achieve rock-star status. The pic will tell the story of how the golden-armed kid from Beaver Falls, Pa., became Broadway Joe, the New York Jets quarterback who became a '60s cultural figure.

Hot Clicks is already trying to cast the role of Suzy Kolber, while a Kissing Suzy Kolber commenter long ago established that Maggie Gyllenhaal is the obvious choice.

As for Jake, he signed on right after they promised he could keep the pantyhose and rabbit fur coat from wardrobe.  And lots of practice under center.  And no stunt double for the dogpile scenes.  Oh man this is too easy.

Immense talent/gargantuan disappointment Bode Miller has left the U.S. Ski Team, and has started his own team.  From Ben Maller (emphasis mine):

Bode Miller announced that his independent race team, comprised of himself, his coaching staff, technicians and support staff, will be called Team America.

Bode Miller… FUCK YEAH! 

If you think you've seen every variation of underdog football movie — prisoners stand up to guards, poor mining town stands up to rich town, desolate oil town stands up to rich town, black juvenile delinquents stand up to rich white kids, black kids and white kids unite to stand up against racism, Air Bud stands up to anti-canine gridiron protesters — think again.  Last week, Fordson (Mich.) High School defeated its crosstown rival Dearborn by a score of 16-14.  The twist?  Fordson is a primarily Muslim school, and its players are fasting in observance of Ramadan.

"No Excuses," read special T-shirts worn by Fordson fans and team assistants on the sidelines during Friday's game at Dearborn High. The shirts referred to the team's determination this year not to make Ramadan — when Muslims abstain from liquids and food during daylight hours — an excuse for losing… Over the past three weeks, most of the team's players have been abstaining from food and water from sunrise to sunset, making workouts especially tough. But Zaban, an observant Muslim who fasts, made sure that the Ramadan season did not become a distraction for players.

Man, that Zaban is like the Muslim Saban.  Unfortunately, this movie will never get made.  I think there's a law somewhere that says Hollywood can only portray Muslims as terrorists.  If they made this movie, the heroic kids from Dearborn would realize that the second-generation Americans with Muslim roots are actually terrorists who are going to blow up the stadium if Fordson doesn't win.  Phew.  Thank goodness.  For a minute there I thought my stereotypes weren't safe.

[SPORTSbyBROOKS] 

Every Day Should Be Saturday has a probably accurate, potentially spurious rumor about Ohio State third-string quarterback Antonio Henton, he of the arrest for soliciting a prostitute.  But NO! says an anonymous Internet tipster, who claims it was the hooker who solicited him:

[Henton] was driving through that area (a few blocks south of campus) on his way to buy some shoes. While driving along, he was flagged down by a woman who approached his car and asked if he wanted to have sex. Then the uniforms came and arrested him. It should be dismissed as entrapment, and they apparently arrested 10 other people that night in that location. Henton really is a good guy…God damn man trying to keep a dude just gettin’ some shoes down. Fight the power!

All I really have to say about this situation is that these high-res stills from Entrapment were motherfucking difficult to dig up.  I downloaded some other Catherine Zeta-Jones photos along the way, and I figured, hey, might as well post these, too.  But only because I admire Michael Douglas's work.

In a related bit of advice, if you dress up as a hooker and give yourself a handjob, not only is it legal, but it's also technically not masturbating.  Best of both worlds.  Plus you get to wear makeup!