Come on, Johnny Cueto! You’re pitching against the Pirates! I expect two concurrent perfect games from you! Win this contest for me!

I’ve decided to put away my history of horrible fantasy performances and destroy this week’s FanDuel contest, wherein you pay $2 to enter and stand to win cash from a $200 cash pool … and the best part is that you can enter three times, and if all three of your teams finisher higher than me, you get your entry fee back. That’s a pretty sweet deal, and if you want to be a part of it you need to act fast — there are only 110 total spots in the contest avaiable, most of those have been filled already and the games start tonight.

Here’s how to play:

Then you get money. Then you get the women. THEN YOU GET THE POWER.

So sign up quickly and set up your team. Don’t pick Johnny Cueto, I don’t want you stealing his perfect games from me. Pick only Pirates.

Depending on who you ask, the Cincinnati Reds probably gave up too much young talent in a deal for pitcher Mat Latos this offseason, but when Walt Jocketty wants a guy, he gets that guy, damn it. Unfortunately, Latos isn’t off to a hot start this season (0-2, 8.22 ERA) but in fairness he had to pitch against the St. Louis Cardinals last night and they pretty much own the 24-year old in his brief career in the majors. The Cards are now 3-1 against Latos since his rookie season, and his ERA in that span has too many digits for me to process without my Texas Instruments graphing calculator.

But who needs stats when criticizing a guy is just plain easier? At least that’s how some Reds fans looked at his awful game last night (5.2 innings, 8 ER) and they took it out on the person who deserved it most – Dallas Latos, Mat’s wife.

That was Dallas’ last Tweet of the night, and she’s probably not going to delete her Twitter because she seems to like attention – as evidenced by her blog and recent appearance on CBS Sports. But she’s going to have to get used to putting up with a-holes and trolls moving ahead, especially if her hubby keeps tossing meatballs. Here are the two dipsh*ts she dealt with last night…

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Sometimes a gif says it all. Faustio Carmona had to run to first base during the Indians’ 3-1 win over the Reds on Saturday, and … well, have you seen the gif of the two dogs having sex? The one where they’re going at it, and the one dog gets so into it that he pukes on the dog he’s humping? That’s what happened during Fausto’s first ever attempt at running as a human adult. Click the image below to watch the full sized gif (courtesy of Mocksession) in action, as I guarantee it will be the most poignant, second-hand embarrassment you’ll experience all afternoon.

Oh. Oh no. I think the worst part is that his helmet falls off before he goes down. Fausto strained his right quadriceps muscle and will miss his next start, but all of that pales in comparison to the full-on personal crisis of looking like that in front of people.

“I didn’t watch [the replay],” he said Sunday morning, according to the Cleveland Plain Dealer. “I didn’t want to see it.”

Compare and contrast:

Pete Rose has engaged in a variety of acts which have stained the game, and he must now live with the consequences of those acts. He’s started admitting his mistakes, but I’m not sure he’s got a handle on the whole “living with the consequences” part. In a story that can only exist in a world where a peaceful God enjoys reading The Dugout, eternally-banned baseball hit king Pete Rose wants back into the game, and he’s going in head first like … uh, himself.

“I want to be a manager, that’s the only role,” Rose told the crowd at Ohio Justice and Policy Center gala. “But I’m running out of time. I want to teach young players.”

Rose announced his intentions to the attendees of the Ohio Justice and Policy Center gala, who last time I checked are not in charge of any baseball teams. It’s sort of like Brett Favre showing up at a local high school, zipping up his Wranglers and mentioning that he wants to be the commissioner of football and own a large horse.

“I don’t go to many banquets where I sit with the judge that sent me to prison,” the hit king and keynote speaker said, drawing laughter from the 300 people in attendance. “I’m not bitter at anybody. I made the mistake.”

He then added, “C’mon, Paulie, roll a dice. Take a chance!”

Personally I think Pete should be in the Hall of Fame and that what he did wrong barely matters in the grand scheme of spousal stabbings and drunk drivings in modern sports, but sorry, Pete, the only guy who could take back the whole “you’re banned forever from everything, deal with it” died before you started owning up.

Connor Echols plays Little League baseball for the 14U Cincy Flames. He jumped on Twitter and invited Cincinnati Reds second baseman Brandon Phillips to come watch his team play.

This is normally where celebrity Twitter interaction stories end. I’ve “talked” to Kanye West and Hulk Hogan, but the best thing I’ve gotten back is a “ha ha!” response from Kate Beaton. Well, Connor’s story didn’t end here, because Phillips took him up on the offer, commented on the overaggressive crazy people you find at a Little League game and took pictures with everybody. Now Connor has a story he can tell people for the rest of his life, and even his math teacher is talking to him about his Twitter.

It’s nice to know that sometimes people are cool, you know? We take it for granted, writing about these guys all the time like they’re our co-workers. I talk about Jim Thome like I know him. But it’s just reassuring to know that heroes once existed for a good reason, even if they’re just normal people who don’t really do anything special.

[via Hotclicks]

Pensacola, Florida, is set to host a brand new Double-A Affiliate of The Cincinnati Reds in 2012. Pensacola Professional Baseball (who are making a huge mistake) has selected the top six finalists for the club’s Name the Team contest, and fans are voting for their favorite through May 14. Some of the choices are what you’d expect from the Minor Leagues, like the Redbones (symbolizing the “dog days of summer” and “doggone fun,” respectively), the Aviators, the Salty Dogs and the Loggerheads.

Unfortunately one of the choices is especially cute, and we may end up with another Butthead Memorial Auditorium on our hands.

Mullets

- Mullets are one of Pensacola’s most popular fish, as well as a fun, wacky team name Minor League Baseball is known for. Mullets stand for the fun, off-the-wall entertainment fans can expect at Maritime Park next season and beyond.

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