Seriously, if I wanted to sing about the exploits of ignorant people that don’t seem capable of accomplishing anything, I would have had a kid. But Chad Nacho Pinko is back at it, defying the collectivity of what may very well be the worst excuse for a “team” in the National Football League. No-Show and the Bengals are heading to Green Bay this Sunday, and he’s already thinking about celebrating that touchdown that he probably won’t score:
If he scores on Sunday, Chad Ochocinco says he’s going to do the Lambeau Leap, and that it won’t be a disrespectful display, rather, he’d like Packers fans to embrace him. via.
If he scores, which is like saying “if Michael Jackson comes back from the dead,” which, come to think, would be totally awesome. It’s about time they made a sequel to that “Thriller” video, anyway…I can’t be the first person to have made that comment…
Here’s the amazing Brandon Stokley catch from last week in Tecmo Bowl form. I’m blown away that somebody decided to reincarnate the play in this way…and do it well. Hey, that could be the play of the year, and we saw it in the first week of the season. Week Two will have its work cut out for it on Sunday. But with all the games potentially blacked out this weekend, it’s not like we’d ever know. as seen here.
People are tripping over themselves to laugh at the contract that sixth-overall pick Andre Smith signed with the Bengals last week. Smith, who held himself out of training camp only to injure his foot on the first day of practice, apparently is as discriminate with his reputation as he is with his diet.
Smith essentially signed what is really a six-year contract (don’t believe the four-year claim, the team can easily buy the last two years) worth an expected value of $42 million, assuming he hits all the normal thresholds. If Smith hits all the “Superman” clauses in the contract (he basically has to go to the Pro Bowl and Cincinnati has to get to the playoffs every year), he can make a maximum of $50 million.
Now, compare that deal to what quarterback Mark Sanchez(notes) got from the New York Jets at No. 5 and what wide receiver Darrius Heyward-Bey(notes) got from the Oakland Raiders at No. 7. Sanchez signed a five-year deal in which he will make $47.5 million if he hits the normal thresholds and can max out at $60 million. via.
Additionally, Hayward-Bey can make up to $38.5 million on his five-year deal. Andre Smith’s pro career is not off to the start that he could have hoped. Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son. He’s playing for the Bengals. If he’s not drunk now, he will be…
I don’t know how you can watch this clip of Cris Collinsworth during a 1980s halftime piece for Monday Night Football and NOT think of Matthew Mcconaughey’s character from Dazed and Confused. They are the same guy. The same. Guy. In the clip, Collinsworth–then a wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals–professes his penchant for drawing the interest of high school girls, quipping, “Fourteen to eighteen, I’m a big star with them. As soon as they mature, after they turn 18, they start to figure it out.” And he said this ON NETWORK TELEVISION. Goodell would have any wideout in the league castrated if he said that today.
Jesus Christ on a stick, I really could not possibly care less about Chad No-no Thinko. I really can’t. You have to catch more than 53 balls in a season to get on my radar. It’s one thing to get into the mind of an elite athlete that has a bit of quirkiness to his personality. It’s quite another to be Stephon Marbury with a football helmet.
Ochocinco has gone one step beyond [being a garden-variety dipshit]. He’s having a contest on Twitter each week to fly a fan to a Bengals game to be his guest tweeter. via.
And some people think this is “fun” and “awesome” that an active athlete is going out of his way to communicate with fans during the game, but with the way he’s been producing of late, he may not have any fans left. I personally find it awesome when a girl takes her top off in public and says, “Who wants to churn my butter?” That doesn’t mean it’s the best way to spend everyone’s time. I gotta to go back to Amish country soon, if only for the night life.
Chad Ochocinco summarized his impact on the National Football League perfectly last night. After the Bengals scored in the second quarter of their preseason game against the Patriots last night, Chad Ochocinco lined up to kick the extra point–and booted it right down the middle. So the team’s No. 1 receiver risked injury last night to post what would eventually be the game-winning score in a contest with no bearing on the season whatsoever? Sounds about right. Chad, please.
It was somewhat reminiscent of a game involving the Patriots in 2000, when Pats coach Bill Belichick sent backup quarterback Doug Flutie out to drop kick an extra point in one of those meaningless end-of-season games, which he converted. It was the first time anyone had done so in 45 years. But Flutie wasn’t a starter with his whole season in front of him. Nor was his last name an impromptu take on Hispanic heritage. Nobody’s perfect, I guess.
