By now you may have heard that former Cincinnati Bengals and Miami Dolphins wide receiver Chad Johnson has a sex tape floating around out there. Maybe you’ve already stopped by to visit our cooler cousins at Kissing Suzy Kolber to check out the NSFW clip that most definitely proves that Johnson’s newest career venture is indeed pornography. And maybe you’ve even already read that Johnson has admitted that the sex tape exists.

Oh, but of course he didn’t leak it.

We’re told Chad has no idea how the tape leaked to the Internet … but insists he wasn’t behind it … and now he’s exploring his legal options in hopes of having the tape removed from the web ASAP.

So far, it doesn’t appear the entire video has made it’s way into cyberspace — only bits and pieces — but we’re told the entire tape is “substantial in length” … (Via TMZ, where “it’s” is the new “its”)

Sure. Chad didn’t leak it. I mean, why on Earth would he ever want to leak his own sex tape? After all, this is the guy who allegedly head-butted his wife when she discovered a receipt for condoms in his car. And this is the same guy who was exposed for using Twitter as his own Adult Friend Finder, when a famous Atlanta stripper spent way more than 140 characters bragging about how she’d been sleeping with then-Ochocinco, but how she wasn’t the reason that his divorce went south.

Or maybe she was, I can’t even keep track of this crap anymore. What I can keep track of, though, is a huge coincidence, and in this case that’s the fact that Johnson is unemployed with no shot of being an NFL starter anytime soon, and he’s probably hurting for money. So if you put two and two together, you get a guy who’d probably want the kind of money that comes with a sex tape.

Good thing PornHub already made Chad an offer back in August. Ahhhhhhhhh, coincidences. In case you forgot, I’ve included the original letter from PornHub’s CEO after the jump.

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In case you haven’t been following, I’ve had a bit of a fascination this NFL season with my theory of the Thursday Night Football Quarterback Curse. Basically, with the exception of Thanksgiving and maybe two or three lone performances, every QB that has played on Thursday this season has either been lackluster or just flat out awful. Many of us expected that to change last week when Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos played the Oakland Raiders, but he was just good enough to win.

While actual NFL players and more intense fans might say the fact that he won is all that matters, some of us depend on a little more from these guys for fantasy football. That means Manning only netted us between 13 and 20 points, which made us sad. At least our supermodel girlfriends were there to organize threeways to comfort us.

Can Nick Foles and Andy Dalton snap this incredible trend? Probably. We don’t expect it from them, so they’d be the best candidates. But I hope not, because it’s more fun to believe that a mystical force is making QBs suck.

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On October 8, 27-year old former Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader and teacher Sarah Jones pleaded guilty to having sex with one of her students, a 17-year old boy. However, the boy’s family and Jones have known each other for a long time and despite the 9-year age difference, she had been friends with now-18 Cody York since he was a child. So it wasn’t much of a surprise when the York family refused to cooperate with prosecutors and Jones was ultimately sentenced to five years of diversion and she avoided that whole “sex offender” tag.

What was a bit of a surprise was that Jones and York left the courthouse holding hands, as they’d later reveal to the media that they are still dating and plan to move on with their lives. As someone who vividly and fondly remembers being 18, what is this bro thinking? Turns out he’s thinking about love.

“We made a poor choice together,” Jones told “Dateline”. “But that doesn’t mean that we can’t find happiness at the end of the day. And we will.

“He’s wonderful, and I absolutely adore everything because even if he has flaws, I adore them.” (Via NFL.com)

So now they can just fade away into oblivion and lead their fabulous little lives away from our scorn, right? Haha, no. Jones and York are getting a f*cking reality TV show.

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Watching Detroit Lions quarterback Matt Stafford poop the bed against the St. Louis Rams yesterday was rather bothersome for me, as I spent a quarter of my auction league cash on his three-pick-throwing ass a week ago. But then I remembered the above commercial for Monday Night Football and the irony tickled me enough to make me forget that he almost cost me my suicide pick, too. Seriously, just too much stress in one afternoon.

Speaking of football and quarterbacks that cause migraines, Philip Rivers and the Chargers headline an evening that features two fierce NFL rivalries. And if you’re a communist or tree-hugger and you don’t like watching the NFL, I’ve found some alternative programming for you as well.

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Houston cornerback Johnathan Joseph spent five years in Cincinnati before joining the Texans, and he’s willing to explain the differences between the organizations in detail. Here’s the short version: The Bengals are assholes about Gatorade.

“In Cincy, the team lives off money it earns from football. Houston’s owner has other business interests and he controls the money. Numerous things that go on such as the way Houston interacts with my family; we’re treated in a first-class way. They helped us when my wife lost our baby daughter in a miscarriage.

“But they help with anything you ask of them because they are a very caring organization with positive attitudes about its players. In Cincy, we’re told how much Gatorade we could take home. In Houston we get what we request. You get soap and deodorant at your request. You don’t have a roommate on road trips.” (via HeraldOnline.com)

I like how quickly it goes from “Houston helped us when my wife had a miscarriage” to “Cincinnati won’t let me take home all the Gatorade I want”. I also like that no matter how rich and famous you get, you’re still that guy working at the mall Chick-Fil-A who wants to take home the extra chicken sandwiches and gets pissed when your bitch manager won’t let you.

You’ve got $23.5 million of guaranteed money in Houston, right? Can’t you buy your own soap? I have a blogger’s salary and can keep my fridge stocked with Gatorade. It’s like $4.99 for an 8-pack. I know it’s a Moneyball vending machine situation where it’s less about having to pay a dollar for a Pepsi and more about being disrespected by an organization that barely cares about you, but c’mon, just hold out a Dixie cup the next time somebody gets a Gatorade bath.

[via Larry Brown Sports]

Illegally touched ball.

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