Illegally touched ball.

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The Donald Glover Guide To Achieving Acting, Hip Hop, And Stand Up Stardom In Your Twenties |UPROXX|

Ah-Mah-Zing: The 80 Greatest GIFs from ‘Happy Endings’ |Warming Glow|

The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 4/2/12: Say Yes To The Yes |With Leather|

8 Geeky Pulp Novel Covers By Tony Fleecs |Gamma Squad|

Your Mid-Week Guide To DVD And Streaming: Tyrannosaur On A War Horse |Film Drunk|

Louis C.K. Explains Why He Decided Not To Host The Radio & TV Correspondents Dinner |UPROXX|

‘Just Die!’: Watch What Happens When A Drunk Heckler Takes The Stage At A Comedy Show |UPROXX|

Adam Sandler is remaking Summer School? Well sunglass my dog. |Film Drunk|

The With Leather Photo Tour Of Marlins Park |With Leather|

Mr. Muthaf*ckin eXquire – “Position of Passion” |Smoking Section|

Spider-Man Goes Commando For These Three New Clips From ‘The Amazing Spider-Man’ |Gamma Squad|

Eric’s Sister from ‘That ‘70s Show’ Is (Still) Not Doing Well |Warming Glow|

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"And I was like, 'Die, 9ers fan!' It was great, you would have loved it."

When the Cincinnati Bengals selected TCU’s Andy Dalton in the second round of this year’s NFL Draft, it was a clear indication that the Carson Palmer era was over for them. Palmer demanded a trade but Bengals President Mike Brown refused to reward his franchise QB by sending him elsewhere to win. Thus, Palmer retired and Brown made it clear for the past six months that he was not going to trade the guy who took them to the playoffs a whopping 2 times.

And yesterday, of course, Brown traded Palmer to the Oakland Raiders. If his goal was to punish Palmer, Brown failed. Miami probably would have made a similar deal. Instead, Palmer winds up with the 4-2 Raiders, who are seemingly stocked with young talent on offense. Take that, crybaby!

“For the past six weeks I thought I was retired,” Palmer said after being introduced to media as a Raider on Tuesday. “Week 1 hit and I thought, I’ve got to look elsewhere and find what the next phase of my life might be. Then I got the text from Hue.

“I’m ready to go. I’m excited… I’m excited to be a part of this organization.”

(Via USA Today)

Palmer is clearly excited, as the 31-year old gets a fresh start to show that he’s more than just a guy who once won a Pro Bowl MVP. But Raiders coach Hue Jackson is beyond excited, as he grabbed the hyperbole gun and started firing bullets of awesome into our faces.

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If somebody tried to pull off this trade in a fantasy league, the other team owners would veto it so hard. The Oakland Raiders and the Cincinnati Bengals are close to a deal that would send Carson Palmer to Oakland for a first round pick in 2012 and a conditional pick in 2013.

It makes a lot of sense. Jason Campbell broke his collarbone and Andy Dalton has been better than Cam Newton, whether you’ve noticed it or not. Cincinnati is giving a new starting QB to a team it could be competing against for a playoff spot or in the postseason. The Raiders are giving up two high picks for a guy who’s been holding out, hasn’t been great for a while and has an arm that can go from John Elway to Steve Urkel in a heartbeat. ESPN notes that “both sides believed it to be a gamble worth taking”, which is funny, because I was hoping they’d made the trade ironically.

Palmer was willing to restructure his contract, which would pay him $6.9 million for the balance of this season, sources said. The Raiders have about $6 million left under the cap.

The next step for the Bengals should be for owner Mike Brown to hire a General Manager to make the picks for him. The next step for the Raiders should be printing up a few black and silver “quitter” jerseys. You know, just in case.

Educated sportswriter opinion: The Buffalo Bills will easily beat the Bengals. That game happens tonight, right?

Links

When Will Disgusting Fan Treatment Of Female Sportswriters Stop? - When the female sportswriters get hotter, am I right guys? Up high! But no, seriously, Fans Of Things need to stop being such ridiculous troglodytes about everything ever. [The Postgame]

We Like To Think It Happened Like This: Delonte West Finally Got A New Job - In case you missed this on Friday, give it a read. Burnsy is funny as hell, and I’m happy he’s got an In Real Life job, because if he didn’t, he’d have mine. [With Leather]

Words Cannot Express How Much I Want A Hobbes Stuffed Animal - DESPERATELY WANTING. I agree with the sentiment of the article, too (that buying one defies Watterson’s wishes), but Jesus. [Gamma Squad]

Well Now It Makes Sense - Were you aware that the creators of “South Park” do drugs? Did that ever cross your mind? [Warming Glow]

Read Ron Swanson’s Diary From His Time In The Woods Hiding From Tammy 1 - I think what I like so much about Parks and Rec is how comfortable I feel watching it. I don’t ever have those “why am I still watching this” moments like I do with “The Office”, or those “OH GOD NO GOD NO” moments I have watching Whitney. [UPROXX]

Two Black Swan Interns Sue Studio, Misunderstand Concept of “Intern” - Maybe it’s just one intern with two personalities! [Film Drunk]

NYPD Message To Women: Keep Wearing Skirts If You Want To Get Raped - Not the kind of thing you want to click on on a Monday morning, but something you should read and see. My message to cops: try to be good cops, for once in your f**king lives. [Buzzfeed]

Anna Faris and the Sexiest Comediennes in Movies - I think allowing yourself to be called a “comedienne” is the first step to unsexiness. [Moviefone]

Melissa Gorga Clarifies: I Wasn’t a Stripper (Just a Bikini Bartender) - Sure, that’s what every girl who dances at a strip club but doesn’t want to admit it on the Internet says. [AOL TV]

Miles the Great Dane is not so great at getting out of tubs - Yes he is. He is doing a great job. [The Daily What]

The Best Face Tattoo Mug Shots (So Far) of 2011 - smdh at you, everyone but me. [Brobible]

The Denver Broncos have been the talk of the town throughout the first 2 weeks of the NFL season, but it’s not because they’re good or terrible or anything fundamental like that. It’s because fans have grown tiresome of perfectly able and average quarterback Kyle Orton and are demanding that new coach John Fox begin the Tim Tebow era immediately. Well the Tebow era has begun, friends, and all is glorious for Denver once again.

Oh, I should mention that the Tebow era has begun at wide receiver. I think that’s a pretty important tidbit. The Broncos’ receiving corp has more sore groins than a Kate Upton strip tease, after Brandon Lloyd was declared out for the game and Eddie Royal suffered a groin injury in the second quarter. That left sophomore Eric Decker as the go-to guy and it forced Fox to put Tebow into the lineup as a wideout. He ended with 0 receptions for 0 yards, and was clearly the guiding force in Denver’s win over the Cincinnati Bengals.

Meanwhile, the fans who claim to have raised $10,000 for two pro-Tebow billboards in downtown Denver can put their money to better use, like new crotches for Lloyd and Royal.

Welcome to Week 2 of my new weekly Random NFL Thoughts installment. Feel free to join in the conversation in the comments, even if to tell me how completely wrong I am.

If you have the pleasure of following Indianapolis Colts GM Jim Irsay on Twitter, then you know two things – 1) He’s a huge music fan, and 2) He’s possibly a lunatic. Irsay has a tendency of Tweeting random song lyrics in a way that the average person – and especially the average Twitter user – might not catch on to very well, if they even get him at all. In the case of the latter, he comes across as a complete psychopath.

But in between those lyrical Tweets, he openly talks about Colts football with fans, and since the lockout ended, the only topic regarding Indy football has been Peyton Manning’s neck. By all accounts, the guy who just signed a contract that guarantees him close to $100 million over the rest of his career will not be ready for Week 1. Manning hasn’t seen a snap in the preseason, but that should’t really be a problem for one of the game’s elite QBs if he’s actually going to start the season opener. He can just kick off the rust and run with it. Either way, Irsay wants to f*ck with us.

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