According to TMZ and every tabloid with TMZ on Google alert, a “secretly filmed” Hulk Hogan sex tape is being offered up for sale to the various high-end porn jockeys.

We’ve seen a portion of the grainy footage — featuring Hulk getting undressed and a naked, unidentified brunette lying on a bed. The woman is NOT his ex-wife Linda or his current wife Jennifer McDaniel.

To make this slightly less disgusting, I’ve gathered together ten jokes/talking points to share with your friends, should you accidentally drop “Hulk Hogan sex tape” into conversation and need an out.

1. I didn’t know Brooke Hogan was ever a brunette.

2. This is just the sequel to the one where Hogan has sex with Chyna in the middle of a Royal Rumble. Does the gay Iron Sheik show up in this one, too?

3. This is the grossest thing he’s ever done without the Nasty Boys. (Alternate joke: This gives new meaning to the term “Nasty Knobbs”.)

4. Did he bring along Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake along with him to help him f**k this woman?

5. At the end of the tape it looks like he’s about to finish, but he starts shaking and pumping his fists and walking around in a circle … when the lady asks him what’s wrong, he makes an o-face at her, points, yells “YOU!!” and keeps nailing her.

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Photo via Vivid.com, by way of my nightmares

It was only a matter of time before Chyna parlayed her “please forget I wrestled” acting career into porn, and an even smaller matter of time before that porn career became all about how she used to wrestle.

From TMZ, who I’m gonna pretend are using ellipses because you need to pause and take a breather in the middle to get out these sentences:

Former WWE superstar Chyna is finally getting back in the ring … taking on 9 dudes at the same time … except it’s for a porno movie.

TMZ has learned … Chyna was totally serious about pursuing a XXX career … and just wrapped up on a Royal Rumble-inspired flick in which she locks up with a bunch of dudes who all look like famous wrestlers … including a wannabe Hulk Hogan, wannabe Triple H, wannabe Ric Flair and more.

Cue the “this is fake! Look, he stomps when he f**ks!” comments. I think what upsets me the most is that someone’s making a Royal Rumble porno and giving it 10 entrants instead of 30. Maybe the next one can feature a Money In The Stank ladder match.

Anyway, the two major points of interest here (besides a broader point about sadness) are that Chyna competed in multiple Royal Rumbles during her WWF career and that in the long long ago (before the darkness came) she dated the actual Triple H, in contrast to simply letting the gay-for-pay one put it in her butt. As you may know, Triple H made the biggest upgrade in pro dating history in the early 2000s when he went from a drugged-out bodybuilding monster to the daughter of the billionaire who ran his company.

TMZ has photos of the 9 unlucky gents who got to wear Halloween costumes and go knees-deep in Chyna, including an Iron Sheik who is probably in a worse mental state than the real one and a living version of the “john cena gay” meme from the Best And Worst Of Raw:

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Pre-show notes:

- Welcome to my first ever Best And Worst Of WWE [Insert Older Pay-per-view Show Title Here] report. I asked the column’s regular readers to decide which time-appropriate pay-per-view event I’d cover first, and this show, one of the highlights of WWF’s epic 2000, won with over 42% of the vote. So here we are, getting you ready for the 2012 Royal Rumble with a look back at the year 2000′s.

- Comments are appreciated. Clicking “like” is appreciated, tweets and retweets are appreciated, showing and sharing this to and with the people you know are appreciated. One of the reasons I haven’t done older show reports so far is that nobody’s googling for them, so our traffic goes way down and they take like 80 hours to write, so why bother? But I WANT to write them, so if you support them and make them a success, I’ll keep cranking them out. At least get me to Wrestlemania 23, so I can write about Ashley Massaro.

To make things even better, we’ve added some features to our comments section, like badges for unlockable achievements and image/gif posting privileges for top commenters. Our first With Leather badge debuts tomorrow night with the Royal Rumble Open thread. Here’s a hint: >=(

- Don’t forget to come back on Sunday and participate in our open discussion thread for Royal Rumble, happening live. I’ll make sure to update with results and everything. It’ll be fun. YOU’LL ENJOY IT.

- Follow us on Twitter @withleather, follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and like us on Facebook.

- If you read the column earlier and were missing a few pages, be sure to go back and give it a re-read. Everything is up now.

- A.J. was not born when this show originally aired, so she will not be featured in the report.

But for now, please enjoy the Best And Worst Of WWF Royal Rumble 2000.

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I'd say it's par for the course so far.

I really need to update my Google News alert, because I’m upset that a story involving former WWE wrestler Chyna and the Adult Video News Awards didn’t end up in my inbox a little earlier. But as the annual AVN Awards were held on Jan. 21 in Las Vegas, news is just now surfacing that (read: people outside of the porn industry might suddenly care) Joanie Laurer (AKA Chyna) was acting really strange on the red carpet. Funny, I would have expected a bare floor*.

Perverts, I mean witnesses claimed that Laurer showed up with incredibly glazed over eyes while she acted increasingly strange for the photographers. But honestly, if a gigantic muscular woman, who once made a sex tape with X-Pac, strangling comedian Dave Attell after making fists and mean faces for the photographers is acting strange, then I just don’t know what that word means anymore.

See for yourself in the video after the jump…

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Like Max Payne, it’s bullet time.

- Before you read this week’s column, please make sure you’ve read The Best and Worst of Summerslam 2011. It contains important, mostly-positive information necessary to understanding last night’s Raw. I’m just kidding, a mentally handicapped child could tune in to Raw and know what was going on in the first five minutes, I just want you to read and enjoy my stuff. Also, you have to know Kevin Nash is there.

- As always, comments are appreciated. My self-deprecating approach to asking for comments has gone around to being worthy of deprecation, so I’ll try not to beg. I’m trying to form the column around what’s most palatable for everyone, so if it ends up as just pictures of Maryse and a bunch of nerd references you’ll know who won. I’m going to toss a picture of Maryse on the side here, because she never shows up on Raw. Likes, Facebook shares, Plus-ones and Twitter re-Twitters are also appreciated.

- Don’t forget to watch NXT. Maryse shows up there, and I have insider information that Maxine will return as a surprise contestant. MAXINE, people. The show is in week 77 of its 280 week run, so now’s the time to jump on board. Vote Bateman. I can’t write “the big guy barks like a dog” as a worst every week.

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