Two days ago, when I compiled the Here’s The Rest Of The Christmas Stuff post, my intention was to never write about Christmas again. Along comes this clip of Megatron and Matthew Stafford starring in Kensington Church Christmas 2012, and I’m drawn back in for one last score.

There’s so much to love about this video, including:

1. The acting. MY GOD, the acting. They give the Kensington Church staff wacky lines where they playfully insult each other, and it’s like the between-songs dialogue in an episode of ‘Glee’ written by my Aunt.

2. Johnson and Stafford tossing around a football like they’re filming scenes for The Room.

3. Johnson and Stafford introducing themselves a la Resident Evil characters, as if we’re watching the Kensington Church Christmas video and aren’t gonna know who they are. “Picture this, me, Matthew Stafford, in a shotgun formation in Santa’s sleigh!” “And me, Calvin Johnson, the master of unlocking!”

4. Football players’ best idea being “say as much about football and Christmas as you can, whether it makes sense or not.” Seriously, listen to what they’re describing. It’s mind boggling. “I roll right to avoid the blitz from the Grinch!” And he throws “the tightest spiral you’ve ever seen” with a Christmas present. And then we dump Gatorade on the baby Jesus!

5. Megatron not being able to consistently say “present.” I CATCH THE PRESINENT.

And on and on. The precocious child who wants the play to be about Jesus! Jokes about pissing in a church video! Everybody involved just kinda swaying back and forth like they’re Street Fighter characters for no reason, because they aren’t actors and think they have to be dynamic! It’s truly the gift that keeps on giving.

Or the gift that never gives. However that works. Remember, everybody: DO NOT GO TO CHURCH.

[h/t to Diehard Sport]

When it comes to Christmas and birthday cards, I’ve always been a lot like Jerry Seinfeld in the sense that I’ve never known how long you’re supposed to keep a card for. I mean, it’s just a piece of paper with something already written on it, and then your mom’s or a hot Asian model’s signature. But just to be safe, I now have a box of cards that I keep in my home office (AKA the Fart Factory) in case one of my insane relatives ever calls and demands to see whatever Snoopy joke they sent me in 2002. And now I just want to scratch my name out and send all of those cards to 9-year old Dalton Dingus in Kentucky.

Dalton is dying from cystic fibrosis and his one wish is to break the Guinness World Record for receiving the most Christmas cards. It started as something with his family, friends and neighbors, but then, as always, the Internet went to work. Excuse me while I set the world record for most allergic reactions.

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We don’t really ease back into our regular features scheduling until Monday, but Christmas is over, right? That’s it. When the 26th hits, it’s the end of the “everybody singing Jingle Bells” jazz and straight into non-stop year-end lists until January.

We didn’t get to write about EVERYTHING Christmas-related this season and a lot of stuff is just being shared around today, so I thought I’d perform a gesture of good will and put everything relevant to post-Christmas Wednesday in one handy spot for the enjoyment of all. Or the enjoyment of anybody still clinging to Christmas, I guess.

Up first: School children singing a Robert Griffin III Christmas carol.

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When I was born, my grandmother knitted me a quilt, as was a tradition in my family for many years. When my mom finally tried to give me that quilt this year, I was all, “But mom, I live in Florida, where we only use quilts to cover up our meth equipment when the cops come by to examine reports of chainsaw fights.” Plus, she knitted that quilt 33 years… I mean, 25 years ago, and it’s probably a little delicate. Anyway, no disrespect to my grandmother, but her quilt had nothing on the blanket one NBA fan apparently had made for his grandmother.

Yesterday, as I was shooting gravy intravenously, Minnesota Timberwolves guard Ricky Rubio Tweeted a picture of a man’s grandmother, which is definitely much better than Shawn Kemp Tweeting a picture of your grandma, because this woman was holding up the giant quilt that she presumably received from her favorite little guy. As you can see, that’s a Ricky Rubio quilt.

It may haunt your dreams, but it will keep you oh-so-warm.

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Two weeks ago, we shared with you the story of WWE Superstar Daniel Bryan visiting a sick little boy in the hospital and letting the kid tap him out. It was heartwarming, and a reminder that sometimes the world of sports can be good to people, and not just soul-crushing and full of sex tapes.

In that spirit, here’s a clip of Dirk Nowitzki visiting Will Kolassa at the Dallas Children’s Medical Center over the holidays, giving him an iPod and playing a little one-on-one. Oh, and when he’s done, he helps Will film a comedy vignette about why he missed practice. Sports celebrities do stuff like this all the time, and in a better world we’d only be sharing news like this. Dirk is an awesome guy, and this kid gets the memory of scoring a bucket on Dirk Nowitzki for the rest of his life.

Of course, my favorite part of the video is Dirk outfitted in the biggest scrubs in history, moving around all gangly and reminding me way too much of Dr. Satan from House Of 1,000 Corpses. Here, see for yourself:

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We shared a lot of horrifyingly-bad Christmas updates this year, but none quite as epic as Michael “The Menace” Johnson’s “special holiday song” for his UFC 155 opponent, Myles Jury. If you haven’t figured it out from the headline and that weird picture, it’s FIST IN A BOX, a parody of Saturday Night Live’s ‘Dick In A Box’ Digital Short that manages to somehow be even more about dicks.

I don’t want to spoil it for you, but it’s even worse than you’re imagining. Video is below.

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