A few weeks ago, former Florida Gators receiver Chris Rainey was arrested for aggravated stalking, which I assume means that he was stalking but he wasn’t good at it so he just became so aggravated. The stalkee was his ex-girlfriend, and the police got involved after Rainey texted her: “Time to die, bitch.” His efforts were so inspiring that even the guy who pistol-whipped Jacksonville Jaguars wide receiver Kassim Osgood misquoted Rainey’s text while trying to kill his ex-girlfriend. But that’s all in the past now, because Rainey only got a misdemeanor and is back with the Gators.

While Florida coach and all-around swell judge of character Urban Meyer hasn’t said what the terms of Rainey’s return are yet, I’m willing to bet it goes something like this: 1) Come play receiver again. 2) Help us stop sucking. 3) Maybe, possibly, pretty please stop sending death threats to your ex-girlfriend. Rainey’s ex told the police and prosecutors that she didn’t actually feel threatened by Rainey so she didn’t want him to suffer the felony charges that everyone else on the planet would receive for aggravated stalking.

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CBS Football loud yeller Shannon Sharpe is taking some time off after being accused of forcing a woman to have sex with him, making death threats against her, and stalking her. Sharpe released a very brief statement to the media declaring his voluntary time off until the matter is solved. Dan Marino also announced that he’ll take time off from CBS so he can continue to argue with Sharpe.

The accusations against Sharpe come as he’s expected to be voted into the NFL Hall of Fame’s 2011 class, and this could really hurt him because everyone knows that you have to wait until you’re in the HOF before you attack women.

Why do you make me hurt you like this, Denver Post:

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Florida Gators star running back Chris Rainey — a professed lover of the white girls — enrolled in highly coveted “sex classes” this semester, but was disappointed to learn it was all, like, anthropological and shit.

“It’s a lot of people,” Rainey said. “It was all the way to the door when I got in. My back was touching the door.”

And even with all those students in the room, the subject matter was not at all to Rainey’s liking.

“It’s boring,” Rainey said. “I thought it would be fun, like you see on TV. But it ain’t like that.”

Wait, so Human Sexuality classes suck even in the SEC?  I figured if there’s ANYWHERE you can watch porn for credit, it’s Florida.

[The Sporting Blog]

Freshman Florida running back Chris Rainey has already been in the news for allegedly accepting illegal gifts while he was in high school, and for referring to himself in the third person (he seems too young to already be adopting this practice – I wonder when Rickey Henderson started?).  Now, according to Alligator Army which cites The Independent Florida Alligator for the quote (although I couldn't find it there, so I added the get-out-of-libel-free question mark), Rainey eloquently stated:

"Every time you see a fine girl (in Gainesville), you see another fine girl better than her. (Some people) like different color girls and stuff like that. I'm a white girl man."

Of course, that gentlemanly utterance conjures this.  But seriously, when are people going to stop basing judgments on skin color before engaging in a night of meaningless sex.  I know all the women I've ever been with never judged a potential lover on the color of their skin after seeing me naked.  They couldn't.  Light reflecting off of my pale chest blinds anyone within a 15' radius. -KD

If you thought Peter King's love for Tony Romo was bad, wait 'til you watch this. I got this from Mr. Irrelevant, who in turn got it from Worth Repeating, which (I should note) is a gay & lesbian blog.

Several disclaimers here before you press play:

1. 1990 Men's Aerobic Championships.
2. 7:47 of Madonna mix
3. Spandex
4. Men wearing sports bras
5. Child-molesting grins

Go forth, brave Americans. Watch the whole thing and BGALA automatically sends you a membership card.