Chris Henry surrendered to police and is now cooling his heels in jail (The clink! The buttfarm! The hoosegow! The Ironbar Hotel!) on assault charges. I have to admit, assault charges. I have to admit, his mug shot (via PFT) isn't too bad at all. I guess that's what happens when you have enough practice.
The talk now is whether Roger Goodell will (a) buy Henry's claim of mistaken identity or (b) banish him… from the league…FOREVAHHHHHH. The latter would be quite an accomplishment, seeing as how Henry has yet to turn 25. Asshole wide receivers usually need the better part of a decade and 2-3 teams before they thoroughly establish a horrible reputation. Let's look at how he got here:
I can totally relate. One time I came out of a crowded bar at closing time, and a cop gave me a stern look and said, "All right, let's keep it moving." Phew, close one!
UPDATE: The Bengals have cut Chris Henry…. WITH A KNIFE! No, not really. He's just not on the team any more.
I have to applaud the tenacity of Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry. Apparently unfazed by last year's eight-game suspension (or the two-game suspension the year before that), the embattled wideout once kicked off the West Virginia team is now wanted on assault charges.
Gregory Meyer, 18, claims Henry threw a bottle, shattering his car window and punched him in the face outside his apartment complex. Meyer [said] he was walking out of his apartment with his girlfriend, when the bottle was thrown at his car. Meyer says he was attacked when confronting the suspect about that. Meyer needed a staple to close a gash on the top of his head.
Oh, man. That's terrible. He really should have gone to a hospital where they could have given him stitches. Kids these days think they can fix anything with office equipment.
To be fair, despite Henry's epic history of run-ins with the police, there have also been at least two reports where charges where unfounded. And for what it's worth, Henry has reportedly claimed that this is a case of mistaken identity, but if my experience with child-support payments is any indicator, good luck with that, buddy. The police saw right through my disguise. In retrospect, a name tag that read "Not Matt" was probably too subtle.
dragged away from an altercation with a parking attendant?
The attendant told police that Henry became angry when asked to pay $5 for parking at Newport On The Levee, and he said the football player cursed him and asked if the driver knew who he was. According to the complaint, Henry stood chest to chest with the Bellevue resident and forced him to walk backward, before throwing a $5 bill to the ground saying, “You’d better pick that up, (expletive).” [...]
The attendant said he believed Henry intended to fight him before security arrived and the football player’s friend pulled him away… Police were called back to Newport On The Levee a short time later when the attendant said Henry and his friend had returned, and officers banned the pair from the popular dining and entertainment complex.
The attendant said Henry and his friend walked past him on their way to the parking garage and warned him that he should hope never to see them again. Officers told the attendant to file a criminal complaint, and the report indicated that Henry and his friend could potentially be charged with menacing or harassment.
See, Chris Henry went to college in West Virginia, where parking is free and unlimited thanks to the large number of front yards. City life — such as you're likely to see in Kentucky — cages a man like Henry. Five dollars for parking? What is this, L.A.? Word on the street says he raped a parking meter in Cincy for reading "expired."
Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry is being investigated for assaulting a 16-year-old boy, blah blah blah. Fucking shocker.
Police say the 16-year-old and an 18-year-old friend were walking along Wetherington Boulevard near Mt. Zion Road just after 11 p.m. Friday night when, they say a black Navigator or Escalade pulled up next to them. According to the police report, a white male jumped out and started punching the 16-year-old in the face. "From that, the victim tells us another gentleman got out of the vehicle the same vehicle and in their attempt to get away, was shoved to the ground by this African American gentleman," said Cloyd. The teen identified that man as Bengals receiver Chris Henry, and says receiver Reggie McNeill [sic] was also in the vehicle. The teen also alleges that they were throwing beer bottles at him as he tried to run away.
[Henry has] been arrested four times in the past year-and-a-half for marijuana and gun charges, drunk driving and providing alcohol to female minors. His run-ins with the law got him an eight-game, unpaid suspension this upcoming season.
If this is true, Chris Henry is a hero. I hate teenagers. (Chris, if you're reading this, I'll give you $20 to beat the shit out of the kids that hang out on my stoop.) And I think it's great he's hanging out with white people. That's the kind of racial unity this country needs: black and white coming together to beat the crap out of annoying teenagers.
CONTRADICTORY UPDATE: Commenter Scott points out that a rival station has a source that says the accusations were unfounded. So I guess Bengals players are the new bogeyman in Cincinnati. Kids get beat up by grown men, they just assume it was Bengals. Fair enough.
Because things happen too quickly in the world of the Cincinnati Bengals for me to keep up with all the time, let's take a moment to catch up with America's most potent high-scoring, wiener-sucking, law-breaking machine.
• Remember how Chris Henry tested positive for opiates and was going to get 88 days in jail? Well, actually, prosecutors tested positive for opiates and was going to get 88 days in jail? Well, actually, prosecutors need to do more tests before anything becomes final. So this is kind of a retraction. Until Henry fails the next test, anyway.
• As Kevin reported this weekend, linebacker A.J. Nicholson was arrested and charged with misdemeanor assault. Yesterday, even though Nicholson pleaded not guilty, reported this weekend, linebacker A.J. Nicholson was arrested and charged with misdemeanor assault. Yesterday, even though Nicholson pleaded not guilty, the Bengals released him. As usual, shoddy police work is to blame:
[Nicholson's girlfriend] insists she accidentally hit herself with a cell phone, and police misread what happened.
I suppose she accidentally dialed "911" when she hit her face with her own cell phone, as well.
So there's that. Steelers fans, before you get too excited about more arrests for your rival team, you might want to check your inbox: Pittsburgh's offensive line coach sent a pornographic email to every GM in the league, plus der Kommissar Herr Goodell. Man, sometimes "Reply All" can be a real bitch.
Cincinnati Bengals suspended wide receiver Chris Henry… blah blah blah… failed a drug test… going to jail for 88 days.
Kenton County (Kentucky) Attorney Garry Edmondson said that Henry tested positive for opiates [on a court-ordered drug test] and he will be forced to serve jail time… Henry is on probation in Florida. It's unclear whether the reported drug test results will force him to serve jail time there.
You just don't expect this sort of thing, not from a Bengal. And certainly not Chris Henry. With the exception of the four times he's been arrested since December 2005 and that time he puked out of a window when teammate Odell Thurman got a DUI, he's barely been in the news.
Personally, I blame Roger Goodell. His lassitude and refusal to discipline players has turned the NFL into a league of thugs. Awesome thugs who run really fast and catch footballs and crash into each in brutal collisions during weekly gladiator-like battles every September through February. Man I can't wait 'til the season starts.
