All right, I promised that I was going to stop writing about controversial topics or inciting passionate debate, but I have to get this off my chest. My rankings of the best major fast food pizza chains are as follows:
1) Little Caesars 2) Papa John’s 3) Hungry Howie’s 4) Pizza Hut 5) Domino’s Pizza
There. That feels better. Now, please keep in mind that I don’t eat any from any of these companies that often, as I prefer to eat local and fresh. I’ve also seen what happens behind the scenes in random stores of some of those companies, and let’s just say it was boogerific.
I have a soft spot for Little Caesars, though, because their $5 Hot N Ready pepperoni pizzas got me through some tough times in college, and every once in a while I think about trying to house one of them for old time’s sake. Then I check my latest cholesterol count and I cry into a bowl of celery.
In the wake of what has turned into one of the sissiest bar fights to ever involve two hip hop stars, multiple people are now looking for pay days. For starters, a few girls have come forward to claim that they were injured during the bottle fight at a night club in New York City that was started by members of Drake’s and Chris Brown’s respective entourages. And the bigger news was that San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker was also partying in VIP – supposedly with Brown – and he was hit in the face with a bottle. Parker suffered some eye damage, but isn’t expected to miss the Summer Olympics. Nevertheless, he’s also suing for $20 million.
And now, a celebrity boxing promoter that you’ve never heard of has stepped forward to cash in on this beef jerky. Damon Feldman is offering $1 million to a charity that supports abused women if Drake and Brown agree to fight, with Rihanna as a ring girl.
The fight, he said, would feature three minute-long rounds with the participants donning oversized gloves and protective head gear.
Feldman is no stranger to publicity. He has put on fights featuring ex-baseball outfielder Jose Canseco, Lindsay Lohan’s dad Michael and Rodney King.
Feldman says he has not received a response from either Drake or Brown. (Via CNN)
Is this all it takes to get your name in the media these days? Fine. I’ll pay $1 million to a charity that supports blind orphans if Kate Upton and Mila Kunis accept my challenge to become my Mormon wives. Someone let me know when CNN has my article up.
Details are still trickling in regarding last week’s random night club brawl between the posses of Chris Brown and Drake, but what we do know so far is that Brown and his people have already been to the police and told a tale that makes everything sound like it’s all Drake’s fault. What we also know is that everyone involved in this stupid story is a total uber-douche, from Brown to Drake to dudes who rips their shirts off in clubs to Rihanna’s magical unicorn vagina.
But now we also know that France’s Olympic basketball hopes were very close to going down the crapper, because Tony Parker was also up in the club, getting popped in the eye by the flying projectiles.
“I was there with a bunch of friends when a fight broke out. They started to throw bottles about… I got it all,” Parker told a news conference.
“The cornea has been touched. I can’t do anything for seven days… But I was lucky. The injury won’t prevent me from competing the Olympics in any way,” he added. (Via Reuters)
It will take a nuclear Armageddon to stop NBA stars from hanging out with rappers, especially when a guy like Parker is both of those things. But hanging out with Brown is really the lowest rung on the ladder for a basketball player. I could name 100 hip hop artists I’d rather hang out with than Brown, including Coolio, Biz Markie, Snow, and MC Serch.
And I don’t hate Brown just because he beat the crap out of Rihanna or because he encouraged people to perform physical violence on Cher or because his music is drenched in autotuned sewage. Wait, no, those are precisely the reasons I hate him.
Despite what a bunch of pompous crybabies like myself predicted during the NBA lockout, a little forced time off eventually did nothing to hurt the sanctity of the league and the statuses and images of its stars. That has been clearly evident from the strong ratings, and it has been aided by unexpected blessings like Jeremy Lin popping up in the league’s favorite market. And as Sunday’s All-Star Game has come and gone, TNT had a ratings bonanza and David Stern cackled atop his throne of angel skulls.
Now we can go back to wondering what’s going to happen to Dwight Howard and Deron Williams. Will they end up together in New Jersey/Brooklyn? Dallas? Orlando? Turkey? A Whole Foods in Connecticut? A lube-soaked spooning embrace? Yes to all is my prediction, because that’s the easy choice and we have more important matters confronting us, like making fun of Chris Brown.
Because that’s the most important thing we can do today.
UPROXX ‘Archer’ Open Thread: ‘Bloody Ferlin’ With Associate Art Director Chad Hurd - When I’m done catching up with ‘Breaking Bad’, I swear I’m spending a week watching nothing but Archer on Netflix Instant. [UPROXX]
Open Thread — Who Is the Better Character: Walter White or Raylan Givens? - And then, uh, I’m gonna start watching ‘Justified’. Man, I’m terrible at watching television while it’s actually on. [Warming Glow]
2012 Oscars Best Picture Bracket: Round 3 - I liked The Artist, but I’m hoping Midnight In Paris can pull off an upset here. It’s a Woody Allen movie MY MOM enjoyed! [Film Drunk]
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What If Male Superheroes’ Costumes Were Designed Like Female Superheroes’ Costumes? - They couldn’t be! Where would poor Rob Liefeld draw his pockets? [Gamma Squad]
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What To Expect When You’re Expecting An Apocalypse - Hopefully there’s some sort of movie or comedy or book or comic that could help me out here! At this point I think it might be better to assume everything’ll be all right. [Adult Swim]
The first extended look at Pixar’s “Brave”. June cannot get here soon enough - I don’t care how good it ends up being, I’m calling it How To Train Your Daughter In 3-D until at least June. [FARK]
New Dad Jay-Z Is Deeply Disappointed In RihRih For Reuniting With Breezy - I think our first goal should be to stop calling the deluded, violent sociopath “breezy”. [Bossip]
Does ‘World of Warcraft’ Make Elderly People Smarter? - I don’t know, but I’m interested in seeing how smart ‘Excitebike’ makes them, especially after I’ve beaten their asses at Excitebike. [The FW]
Whip Out Your Wands, J.K. Rowling To Write Something For The “Adult” Crowd - If she writes something more complex than “Harry said, then Ron Said, then Harry Said”, hell, I’ll buy it. [Pajiba]
Alison Brie And Danny Pudi Perform ‘Everybody Dance Now’ To Close Out ‘Community’ Season 3 Filming - Between this, the faux-Santa Baby thing and Trudy Campbell’s Charleston, Alison Brie is my favorite dancer. Sorry, Jabbazwockee. [UPROXX]
Chris Brown Has A New Pickup Line Sure To Make All The Ladies Melt - I also would’ve accepted, “my dancing looks mostly stupid but people say it’s cool, so date me or I’ll literally murder you”. [UPROXX]
Chris Brown Vs. Seagulls - I can’t wait for him to start abusing animals so people can be all, “what’s the big deal why don’t you forgive him??” [Buzzfeed]
7 Attractive People Landed Pilots This Week, Let’s Rank Them by Aesthetic Value - Worst part about the new Warming Glow — whatever aesthetic makes them decide Kate Moennig is less attractive than Kumar. [Warming Glow]
5 Things Tim Schafer Needs to do To Make His Fan-Funded Adventure Game Truly Great - Thing 6 – Change the name of it to ‘Lufia and the’ something something. Thing 7 – straight up Lufia game. [Gamma Squad]
7 WTF Endorsement Deals Featuring Rappers - If you like Beats By Dre, you’ll love being beaten by Chris Brown! etc. [Smoking Section]
Frotcast 87: ‘Ask a Porn Guy’ w/Seymore Butts, Lindy West vs. Penn Jillette - Again, is Shane from Shane’s World still alive, and if so, would she consider staying in my guest room for a few months? [Film Drunk]
Bill Oakley Tweets Top 10 ‘Simpsons’ Episode Pitches That Never Made It To Air For 500th Episode - “Homer gets a job as a ____. Is worried that he and Marge may get divorced. Accidentally hurts himself!” has been the plot of every episode since like, 200. [HuffPost Comedy]
TMZ asks the question of our time. Emma Stone or Rooney Mara who would you rather? - Mara, but only if she was Dragon Tattoo’d up. Emma Stone is pretty, but too Modern Drew Barrymore Faced for my tastes. [FARK]
Hipster Cat Is the Only Dubstep DJ You’ll Ever Need - Wait, now HIPSTERS listen to dubstep? Get your broad generalizations in order, Internet. [The FW]
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Watch the Trailer for ‘Marley,’ Kevin Macdonald’s Documentary About Bob Marley - Spoiler alert: Marley dies at the end. Wait, are we talking about the same movie? [Brobible|Alison Brie And Danny Pudi Perform ‘Everybody Dance Now’ To Close Out ‘Community’ Season 3 Filming |UPROXX]
2012 Oscars Best Picture Bracket: Round 3 - I liked The Artist, but I’m hoping Midnight In Paris can pull off an upset here. It’s a Woody Allen movie MY MOM enjoyed! [
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