Allow me to set the scene for you. 7-foot Detroit Pistons center Andre Drummond is going up for a dunk. The only thing that stands in his way is 6-foot R&B singer and all around terrible human being Chris Brown. He does about as well as you’d expect on the block, considering Drummond is … ugh, it’s impossible to write up a story about Chris Brown without just typing in all caps about what a piece of shit he his. HE DOES WELL ON THE BLOCK CONSIDERING DRUMMOND ISN’T HALF HIS SIZE AND BEGGING HIM TO STOP BLOCKING.
Sorry, everyone. Here’s the video, so that you may enjoy it in your own way.
All right, I promised that I was going to stop writing about controversial topics or inciting passionate debate, but I have to get this off my chest. My rankings of the best major fast food pizza chains are as follows:
1) Little Caesars 2) Papa John’s 3) Hungry Howie’s 4) Pizza Hut 5) Domino’s Pizza
There. That feels better. Now, please keep in mind that I don’t eat any from any of these companies that often, as I prefer to eat local and fresh. I’ve also seen what happens behind the scenes in random stores of some of those companies, and let’s just say it was boogerific.
I have a soft spot for Little Caesars, though, because their $5 Hot N Ready pepperoni pizzas got me through some tough times in college, and every once in a while I think about trying to house one of them for old time’s sake. Then I check my latest cholesterol count and I cry into a bowl of celery.
In the wake of what has turned into one of the sissiest bar fights to ever involve two hip hop stars, multiple people are now looking for pay days. For starters, a few girls have come forward to claim that they were injured during the bottle fight at a night club in New York City that was started by members of Drake’s and Chris Brown’s respective entourages. And the bigger news was that San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker was also partying in VIP – supposedly with Brown – and he was hit in the face with a bottle. Parker suffered some eye damage, but isn’t expected to miss the Summer Olympics. Nevertheless, he’s also suing for $20 million.
And now, a celebrity boxing promoter that you’ve never heard of has stepped forward to cash in on this beef jerky. Damon Feldman is offering $1 million to a charity that supports abused women if Drake and Brown agree to fight, with Rihanna as a ring girl.
The fight, he said, would feature three minute-long rounds with the participants donning oversized gloves and protective head gear.
Feldman is no stranger to publicity. He has put on fights featuring ex-baseball outfielder Jose Canseco, Lindsay Lohan’s dad Michael and Rodney King.
Feldman says he has not received a response from either Drake or Brown. (Via CNN)
Is this all it takes to get your name in the media these days? Fine. I’ll pay $1 million to a charity that supports blind orphans if Kate Upton and Mila Kunis accept my challenge to become my Mormon wives. Someone let me know when CNN has my article up.
Details are still trickling in regarding last week’s random night club brawl between the posses of Chris Brown and Drake, but what we do know so far is that Brown and his people have already been to the police and told a tale that makes everything sound like it’s all Drake’s fault. What we also know is that everyone involved in this stupid story is a total uber-douche, from Brown to Drake to dudes who rips their shirts off in clubs to Rihanna’s magical unicorn vagina.
But now we also know that France’s Olympic basketball hopes were very close to going down the crapper, because Tony Parker was also up in the club, getting popped in the eye by the flying projectiles.
“I was there with a bunch of friends when a fight broke out. They started to throw bottles about… I got it all,” Parker told a news conference.
“The cornea has been touched. I can’t do anything for seven days… But I was lucky. The injury won’t prevent me from competing the Olympics in any way,” he added. (Via Reuters)
It will take a nuclear Armageddon to stop NBA stars from hanging out with rappers, especially when a guy like Parker is both of those things. But hanging out with Brown is really the lowest rung on the ladder for a basketball player. I could name 100 hip hop artists I’d rather hang out with than Brown, including Coolio, Biz Markie, Snow, and MC Serch.
And I don’t hate Brown just because he beat the crap out of Rihanna or because he encouraged people to perform physical violence on Cher or because his music is drenched in autotuned sewage. Wait, no, those are precisely the reasons I hate him.
Despite what a bunch of pompous crybabies like myself predicted during the NBA lockout, a little forced time off eventually did nothing to hurt the sanctity of the league and the statuses and images of its stars. That has been clearly evident from the strong ratings, and it has been aided by unexpected blessings like Jeremy Lin popping up in the league’s favorite market. And as Sunday’s All-Star Game has come and gone, TNT had a ratings bonanza and David Stern cackled atop his throne of angel skulls.
Now we can go back to wondering what’s going to happen to Dwight Howard and Deron Williams. Will they end up together in New Jersey/Brooklyn? Dallas? Orlando? Turkey? A Whole Foods in Connecticut? A lube-soaked spooning embrace? Yes to all is my prediction, because that’s the easy choice and we have more important matters confronting us, like making fun of Chris Brown.
Because that’s the most important thing we can do today.
UPROXX ‘Archer’ Open Thread: ‘Bloody Ferlin’ With Associate Art Director Chad Hurd - When I’m done catching up with ‘Breaking Bad’, I swear I’m spending a week watching nothing but Archer on Netflix Instant. [UPROXX]
Open Thread — Who Is the Better Character: Walter White or Raylan Givens? - And then, uh, I’m gonna start watching ‘Justified’. Man, I’m terrible at watching television while it’s actually on. [Warming Glow]
2012 Oscars Best Picture Bracket: Round 3 - I liked The Artist, but I’m hoping Midnight In Paris can pull off an upset here. It’s a Woody Allen movie MY MOM enjoyed! [Film Drunk]
Unlaced: adidas Designer Robbie Fuller Talks The adiZero Rose 2.5 - My shoes are also unlaced, and I’m going to talk about argyle Vans. Yes, because of David Otunga, shut up. [Smoking Section]
What If Male Superheroes’ Costumes Were Designed Like Female Superheroes’ Costumes? - They couldn’t be! Where would poor Rob Liefeld draw his pockets? [Gamma Squad]
Steve Carell In Now On Twitter - I can’t wait to see him and Ricky Gervais make awkward jokes about each other all the time. #notgoodafterseason2 [Buzzfeed]
David Wain’s Reddit AMA: 15 Best Answers From ‘Wanderlust’ Director’s Q&A (PICTURES) - If my girlfriend ever ends up contributing to UPROXX, it’ll be nothing but interviews with Stella. [HuffPost Comedy]
What To Expect When You’re Expecting An Apocalypse - Hopefully there’s some sort of movie or comedy or book or comic that could help me out here! At this point I think it might be better to assume everything’ll be all right. [Adult Swim]
The first extended look at Pixar’s “Brave”. June cannot get here soon enough - I don’t care how good it ends up being, I’m calling it How To Train Your Daughter In 3-D until at least June. [FARK]
New Dad Jay-Z Is Deeply Disappointed In RihRih For Reuniting With Breezy - I think our first goal should be to stop calling the deluded, violent sociopath “breezy”. [Bossip]
Does ‘World of Warcraft’ Make Elderly People Smarter? - I don’t know, but I’m interested in seeing how smart ‘Excitebike’ makes them, especially after I’ve beaten their asses at Excitebike. [The FW]
Whip Out Your Wands, J.K. Rowling To Write Something For The “Adult” Crowd - If she writes something more complex than “Harry said, then Ron Said, then Harry Said”, hell, I’ll buy it. [Pajiba]
Insert your own tacky Rihanna joke here.
2012 Oscars Best Picture Bracket: Round 3 - I liked The Artist, but I’m hoping Midnight In Paris can pull off an upset here. It’s a Woody Allen movie MY MOM enjoyed! [
