Before the NBA Finals began, there was some talk about two adult film actresses who had pledged to perform oral sex on all of their combined Twitter followers if the Miami Heat won the championship. I didn’t bother looking to see who the two starlets were, because I knew that they weren’t Kayden Kross or Andy San Dimas, so it didn’t matter to me. I mean, I was at church and I don’t know who those girls are or… whatever, it’s Friday.

The actual ladies in question are Angelina Castro and Sara Jay (semi-NSFW) – pictured above in their own crudely photoshopped tribute to the Heat – and according to their Tweets from last night, drop yo pants, fellas. And bring some Purell.

Ew. Everything about this. Just, ew.

I’d love to see the guys who show up to this, though. Real winners in that crowd, I’d expect. Probably wearing Mike Miller jerseys.

But I’m not one to crap on honest-to-goodness sports fans, so congrats, Sara Jay and Angelina Castro! Congrats, Miami Heat fans! Congrats, LeBron James and Chris Bosh! And congrats Centers for Disease Control!

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Someone sent me the above image of LMFAO “performing” during timeouts at Game 5 of the NBA Finals last night, and all I could think was: “This is Miami in a nutshell.” It’s overindulgence at its finest. I mean, they were celebrating during the game. But it doesn’t matter now, because the Miami Heat are the NBA Champions and LeBron James and Chris Bosh finally have their vindication (of sorts).

I bring no ill will today, as the Heat earned this title, and I predicted it would happen before the season, so I’ll just sit here and be glad that for once in my insignificant life, I was right about something. But I can’t help but share the video showing how James, Bosh, and Dwyane Wade celebrated their title – presumably before they rolled around on mountains of cash with naked models.

I present to you: LeBron James, Chris Bosh, and Dwyane Wade rapping with LMFAO, or the most Miami Heat thing you’ll ever see.

IMPORTANT UPDATE: This GIF is also very Miami Heat.

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Like many Americans of prudent judgment and sound mind, I will be rooting passionately against the Heat during this year’s NBA Finals, and thus for the Oklahoma City Thunder. Why, you ask? Because I have a memory longer than the 24-hour news cycle, that’s why.

We live in a contrarian society, one that argues, overanalyzes and debates ad nauseam. So as soon as it became too popular or mainstream to hate the Miami Heat and LeBron James for all their ills and faults (both real and received), a sort of counter-movement started, making the case that rooting for the Heat and for LeBron was okay. Because they’ve suffered defeat and struggle, the line of logic goes, they’ve now earned the right to succeed.

Let me be clear: it’s not, nor will it ever be okay, to root for LeBron and the Heat. They brought this scrutiny and loathing – all of it – upon themselves. They are the sports version of the antichrist and DEAR BABY JESUS, KEVIN DURANT IS OUR ONLY HOPE.

We’re not even two years removed from The Decision, LeBron’s one-hour television special when he metaphorically urinated on his pseudo-hometown of Cleveland, trotting out kids from the Boys & Girls Club as props to serve as cover. We’re not even two years removed from Miami’s post-Decision victory pageant, when LeBron promised “not four, not five, not six” championships. We’re not even a year removed from the post-NBA Finals press conference last year, when Bron Bron ranted and raved about how the little people needed to stop hating him and should get back to their peon lives.

And yet people like Jeff Van Gundy, the former basketball coach and current ESPN announcer, believe there should be a “statute of limitations for [Miami’s] stupidity,” as he recently suggested during a telecast.

Yes Jeff, there is a statute of limitations for stupidity. It’s there for all of us. It’s called death.

So here are 11 reminders why rooting against the Miami Heat is and always will be the socially just and morally sound thing to do. The concept of hate in list form isn’t new, but it’s needed now more than ever. And why 11? Nigel Tufnel, the lead guitarist of the rock band Spinal Tap, understands.

Admittedly, this will be quite difficult without once using the word that begins with a “D” and rhymes with “moosh.” But I will do it for my wayward countrymen who don’t comprehend what is at stake here.

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Back on March 25, when the Oklahoma City Thunder hosted the Miami Heat, there was a brave sports writer somewhere out there who scratched his ass and burped as he shouted: “Potential Finals Matchup!” A bold prediction, indeed, as the Thunder and Heat were two of the top teams in the NBA at that point, but whichever omnipotent scribe was the quickest to get that phrase down on paper is undoubtedly patting himself on the back right now.

As for that matchup, the Thunder won handily, defeating the Heat 103-87. When the two teams met again two weeks later, though, the Heat proved with a 98-93 victory that they wouldn’t be pushovers if this was indeed a preview. Hopefully we can expect the same intensity out of both teams when Game 1 starts tonight at the “Thunderdome” in OKC.

Join us tonight for our Game 1 live discussion, as we make bold predictions – remember, I already picked the Heat to win the whole thing, so people better call me on it if I pretend otherwise – and snarky comments about officiating. I’ve also got some more With Leather t-shirts to give away*and we also have another super cool, exclusive badge to give away. Share your participation in tonight’s discussion on Facebook and Twitter and you can snare your very own Boshtrich badge. Remember, they say the Boshtrich has less fat but that you eat more of it.

See you all tonight, and please bring your hot sisters with you.

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Back in February we introduced you to an 18-foot tall LeBron James statue built by Florida’s Primetime Amusements to amuse honor LeBron and the Miami Heat. At the time I wondered how a statue of LeBron honored the Heat, and now two months later we have our answer: because he was only the first of a team of colossal monsters.

Well, a team of three. Nobody’s smushing together 18 feet of paper-mache and tubing to build a giant Dexter Pittman, but Golem Dwyane Wade and Golem Chris Bosh are alive and erect now. Bosh has got to be the easiest person to caricature in the history of pro basketball, you just roll up a ball of clay and pinch it in the front.

A little color commentary from Hot Hot Hoops:

With all three completed and finishing touches now in place, such as placing an NBA sticker right in the middle of LeBron’s headband while Hot Hot Hoops was present to take pictures of the trio, plans are still up in the air as to where exactly you’ll be able to see these on display. A logical place would be the American Airlines Arena but for now we’ll have to wait and see where the mega superstars will make their public appearance together.

Here’s a better look at the Extremely Big 3 with a wildly inappropriate funk soundtrack:

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With the NBA trade deadline just 7 days away, all of the media’s focus is on the big market teams and their needs, which begs the question – which chump teams are gonna get fleeced? The quick answer: probably none. The Orlando Magic currently have the 5th best record in the entire league, which absolutely baffles me after watching them stand still and take it hard against the 4-win Charlotte Bobcats the other night, but then that’s how the wonderful world of sports works. So they’re most likely not trading Dwight Howard, and every other team is stuck waiting to see what happens with that to make their own moves. Classic log jam, folks.

Common sense says that Orlando won’t get a Denver Nuggets-type haul at the deadline, so that means the Magic instead want to move some of their crap for another team’s lesser crap. Meanwhile, Kobe Bryant and the Los Angeles Lakers sure could use some help, as could pretty much any team that isn’t the Chicago Bulls, Oklahoma City Thunder, San Antonio Spurs or Miami Heat. Face it, your team is pretty much screwed.

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