Worst. Police lineup. Ever.

If you thought that something as silly as constant foot and ankle injuries leading to early retirement were going to stop former Houston Rockets center Yao Ming from dominating the world, you were dead wrong. Yao, after having spent some time adorably tickling a baby panda, has taken his place in the Chinese People’s Political Consultative Conference as a legislative advisor. He’s like the Bill Bradley of China, not because he’s a former athlete turned politician but because he makes his peers look freakishly small.

Of the 142 members of the CPPCC, Yao is the youngest at only 31-years old. Responded the 32-year old blogger writing about Yao’s monumental success, “Yeah, but can he make fart noises with his hands? I think not.”

“Yao said the new title shows trust coming from the people in the city. He had said before that once he decides to do something, he will try his best to accomplish it. So we can trust him that he can balance all aspects of his work and study, and do well in this job,” said Yao’s spokesman Zhang Chi.

But Zhang denied that Yao has any ambitions to have a “political career”.

“The responsibilities for a CPPCC member include offering political consultation, and supervision. What Yao wants is to use his influence to do good deeds for society but not to seek a political position,” Zhang said.

(Via China Daily, which needs new space bars for its computers.)

Good deeds like releasing 6 pandas into the wild and donating his personal three-penis wine to an auction benefiting the Special Olympics East Asia. I’m not saying that Yao’s young age and incredible accomplishments make him any better than most American basketball players, but if Yao and Rasheed Wallace both needed a kidney to live and I was the only match, I could probably be won over with a pet baby panda.

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Yao Ming may have retired from the NBA earlier than most of us would have liked, but that’s not going to stop him from using his Hall of Fame notoriety for good. First, he donated a few bottles of his very own wine and some custom shoes and suits to an auction that benefited the Special Olympics East Asia. Now he and his wife, Ye Li, have loaned their star power to the grand opening of the Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding in China’s Sichuan province.

The facility just launched the Panda Valley protection area, where rescued and rehabilitated giant pandas are being safely returned to their lives in the wild so they will hopefully start doing it and making more adorable panda babies, like the pair that Yao and Ye got to play with yesterday. Seriously, I can’t think of a better way to make a man feel better about his career ending early than by letting him play with baby pandas.

Except maybe red panda babies, because they’re probably the most adorable little things on this planet.

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What you’re watching is either a volleyball match between Chinese Women Volleyball TianJin and Army or one of those Powerade commercials where they CGI the ball to make it look like Michael Vick is throwing a football out of a stadium.

This video comes to us from Reddit by way of With Leather editor emeritus Matt Ufford, who labeled his e-mail to me “holy sh*t!” and suggested moving your cursor away from the video playbar so you don’t know when the play is going to end. It’s awesome, and a great contrast to my personal volleyball memories, which are me in gym class standing still while the ball drops in front of me and then suddenly figuring out I was supposed to hit it.

Burnsy’s reaction was almost as good as the video itself:

Was that the dad from Hangover 2 not caring for their ability to win immediately?

I probably have a few million first world complaints that I keep to myself for the sake of not being struck by lightning, but if I had to throw one out there, I’d say that Kate Upton doesn’t Tweet enough fun pictures of her and her friends. And no, it’s not because I like to sit in a dark room and photoshop myself into those pictures, despite what any court documentation might say. But when Kate does Tweet pics of her random adventures, it proves one of my oldest theories – life must be good for a gorgeous 19-year old supermodel.

Kate, a huge New York sports fan, recently toured the newest additions to Madison Square Garden and I’m sure it was the greatest thrill of her life. Must have been a million times better than those lame ass trips to Caribbean islands and sitting front row at anything on this planet that has a front row. But she Tweeted the pic of her and her friend Lizzy Glynn having fun so who am I to complain?

Oh, and if you weren’t aware, Kate was also photographed for Diddy’s new coffee table book about the female posterior, fittingly titled, “Culo.” I happen to have her contribution after the jump, as well as this week’s Wild Card Wednesday. Join me, won’t you?

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I probably don’t have to tell you this, but the World Weightlifting Championships were held yesterday in Paris, France, and when I think of freakishly strong people showing amazing feats of strength, I think of Paris, France. But easy jokes at the French’s expense be damned, because this event was about one weight lifter’s incredible personal achievement. That person is China’s Zhou Lulu and that achievement is breaking a world record for aggregate lifts to win the super heavyweight world title.

Lulu (above) lifted 146 kilograms in the snatch (hehehehe) and 182 in the clean and jerk (hehehehehehe) for a combined effort of 328 kg. The previous record of 327 kg was set in April at the European championships. I guess I should probably mention that Lulu is a woman, because the whole thing confused me quite a bit this morning.

What’s that, guys? You want to see more of Lulu and her competition at this year’s World Weightlifting Championships in the women’s super heavyweight division? Well, look no further, because these ladies are ready to put on a show.

(Recommended listening music here.)

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Links

My Two Days With Glee - We’re going to try to make Progressive Boink a thing again, I think. Check out Bill’s latest article, a rundown of Glee that will help you explain to your friends why you hate Glee, but haven’t been able to articulate it. [Progressive Boink]

Miami Marlins New Logo: Really Bad, But Not The Worst Possible - I think the “Home Improvement” logo idea is the best, and would buy a Miami Marlins: The Complete Baseball Season hat the minute they were stitched together. [SBN]

Kenyon Martin Reportedly Signs Richest Contract In Chinese Basketball’s History - I hope this isn’t followed by the story “Kenyon Martin Reportedly Has Second Baby, Doesn’t Know Which One To Choose”. Culturally-insensitive jokes about China, everybody! [Smoking Section]

The 8 Best Movie Baseballs - Everyone’s Hero or it didn’t happen. Come on, that movie features a boy named “Yankee”. [Moviefone]

Kendra Wilkinson Says The Secret To Good Marriage Is Having Sex In Different Locations - Totally agree. The secret to good marriage for me is going to be having sex with Kendra Wilkinson in different locations. [FARK]

The Ten Greatest ‘Simpsons’ Characters Who Appear in Only One Episode - If this list didn’t have so many qualifiers it could go on forever. Dinner Dog, for example. [Warming Glow]

Awesome People Hanging Out With Chevy Chase - This could be 50 pictures of him standing next to Alison Brie and I’d click through it. Actually, I’d click though that one first. Can somebody make that one? [UPROXX]

After 30 Years Of Making Music, R.E.M. Is No More - I like to think that one guy with glasses woke up last week and went “oh christ, I’ve been in REM for THIRTY YEARS” and just jumped through his closed window. [UPROXX]

James Cameron Bringing Cat-Monkey Pterodactyl Rape to Disney World - He’s probably just redoing the Tarzan treehouse, guys. The only place you get raped at Disney is in the line for Roger Rabbit. [Film Drunk]

‘Arrested Development’ Cast to Reunite - If there’s no news about the movie announced here, I’m never caring about an Arrested Development reunion again. Don’t Twilight Princess this thing, people. [Warming Glow]

The Last Words Of 25 Famous Dead Writers - Pretty sad that mine are going to be “hey guys”. [Buzzfeed]